Because She Loved Him

One Breath At A Time.

Anna was waiting at Frida and Benny's for them to come home from the studio, she'd changed her mind about being at her house, she didn't want to see Bjorn and he would surely come home at some point. She was sure that the grief would hit her very soon and she would be insensible so she wanted to get things sorted before that happened. Things had to change she realized that now and things had to change quickly for the good of all of them.
There was no doubt in her mind of the path that she would take, she had been considering it for some time even before the events of yesterday, there was also no doubt in her mind that regardless of everything she still loved Bjorn, she always had and she knew that she always would, she was doing this because she loved him. She knew that this was the path of no return but contrary to what he believed, she did listen to him and she did understand him as no one else would and she wanted him to have everything he desired. She knew that some would judge her for the way she was reacting but honestly she didn't care, she knew she was doing right by Bjorn, by Abba, by Benny and Frida and her kids. All of them. She didn't know how she would survive but she would, just like now, one breath at a time.
Her thoughts were interrupted by Benny banging on her car window, she realized that she'd been so lost in thought that she'd entirely missed them coming home "for God's sake Anna what are you doing? It's freezing out here."Benny demanded crossly, he opened her door "come on, come indoors" he said in a far gentler tone "don't be nice to me Benny, "I'm hanging on by a thread as it is" Anna sniffled "Ok, get your bloody arse indoors, I'm not in the mood to freeze to death" Anna couldn't help her giggle "thank you Benny" she linked arms with him as they walked across the lawn "how is he?" she couldn't resist asking "quiet, hungover,confused, apologetic" Benny answered softly " he's probably at yours right now" "perhaps, more likely he's gone to her. I need to talk you both" she said "I know, we both know Anna. Let's get in"
Benny as usual was right, left alone at the studio Bjorn had listened to the day's work and it was a hard reckoning for him when he realized that they done more without him, achieved more today than they had done in weeks. He listened to Anna over and over and knew she sounded amazing, Benny's production on this was spot on. Bjorn sat back in his chair with a frustrated huff, he didn't like feeling redundant but he was wise enough to know he'd bought this on himself. He sighed, he couldn't put it off anymore and actually he didn't want to, he wanted to go home. Back to the familiar, make it right with Anna and bask in the love of his children. He'd had enough of this weird day and he wanted to make things right.
The drive home was spent debating Anna's feelings and the argument that they'd have before they made up, he marshalled his responses to everything he could think of and as he pulled into the drive he was conscious of a sense of relief, he would be welcome here even if they fought like the furies. He got out of the car and was surprised to see the house in darkness but when he looked at his watch and realized that it was after 9 he wasn't surprised, the kids would be long in bed and he felt guilty when he thought that Anna would be exhausted as well, the kids had been poorly and Anna had been up and down in the night for days. He let himself in quietly and kicked his shoes off, he crept to the kitchen and had a glass of water because he was still parched from all the alcohol he'd imbibed and then when his thirst was quenched he crept up the stairs and made a beeline for their bedroom. It was pitch black and Bjorn guessed that she'd dropped the shutters, fortunately he could find his way in the dark perfectly and he made his way to her side of the bed but frowned when he couldn't hear her breathing. He reached down to touch her and his hand felt nothing, his stomach rolled again and he grabbed for the bedside light turning it on so he could see but his eyes did not find the person that they so feverishly searched for, they didn't find anything because there was no one there. The bed was neatly made, undisturbed, he looked around the room and nothing at all had been disturbed, he wondered if she was elsewhere so he headed into Linda's room and it just got worse because there was no Linda. He lost what little calm he had left, put all the lights on and raced into Christian's room, nothing there either but an empty cot. He galloped back down the stairs, throwing all the lights on and calling their names only to be met with profound silence. He went back upstairs to check again but nothing, absolutely nothing. He sat on the bed defeated "Jesus Christ" he whispered "Oh Jesus Christ" never had she not waited for him before, never had she not given him the chance to explain himself. The shock left him mute and unmoving for an age, he wasn't even thinking and when he did think the pounding refrain was "where are you?" and endless thoughts of the things he could remember saying to her yesterday and over the past few months.
He left the house without any clear idea of where he was going, he found himself outside her parents house but there was no sign of her car, he went to her sister's, still no sign of her, the kids or the car. He went to his parents, his sister and finally Benny and Frida's but found no sign of them, he couldn't bear to face anyone so he lurked in the car. By 0300 he couldn't stand to go back to that dark and empty house and he found himself in the only place he knew, the only sanctuary that he had left to him at the moment, the studio and there he surrounded himself with the sound of everything familiar.
Unbeknownst to Bjorn while he had been in the studio earlier that evening Anna's visit to Frida and Benny's had been emotional and to the point, she'd told them of her plans "you must understand that I have no choice" she responded to their protests "he's made it very clear over and over again that he doesn't want me, that he regrets having the kids" she sighed "I'll finish the album and I'll record when you want me to. I won't leave you all in the lurch. I can record in a studio where he doesn't have to deal with me, he doesn't want to and I don't feel safe anymore" she explained some of the things that had been happening to her, the letters, the dead animals, dead flowers and most of the other weird things and they were at least more sympathetic than Bjorn "Anna, darling this is huge! We don't want to do this without you, and if someone is threatening you we can't just leave you!" Frida sniffled "don't you see that I have to leave? I can't see him with her everyday it would kill me but I want him to be happy because I love him and I always will" she wiped her eyes "if I disappear and get out of the public eye whoever it is wont find me and it wont affect Abba, no one is bothering you" "how long have you been planning this?" Benny asked "since I got the last letter and since he told me I was holding him back" Anna admitted " and I am, all of you. I'll record for you, I always will from wherever I am but I won't go on tour" she insisted "the kids need me and Bjorn doesn't want me there, we've been fighting about this for months and you can't disagree" "I don't Anna" Benny said "none of us want to do this bloody tour, Frida and I wanted a break to try for a baby but Stig and Bjorn have ruined that. They are the only ones who want to do it but we have a contract that we are stuck with" Anna looked even more distraught if that were possible "I'm so sorry, I want that for you both more than anything, you'll be amazing" and finally the storm broke to such a point that Benny and Frida were seriously concerned for her "What else aren't you telling us?" Frida asked "there has to be something else Anna, what is it?" "I can't tell you all of it, it isn't fair to you two, you love Bjorn too" "Yes we do but he's an arse hole at the moment" Benny leant forward and grasped Anna's hands "Anna, whatever this is it will pass" "it won't Benny, I love him but I'll give him what he wants, a life without us" "Anna, you can't mean it!" he protested " it won't pass Benny because I'm pregnant and he'll never forgive me, he never will" her sobs became the silent kind that ripped your very soul and she was incapable of speech for a while "he told me over and over again no more kids, over and over again that he didn't want the ones he's got. I didn't mean to but I think when I was ill I threw up for a few days and I  just didn't think! I was so focused on him and now he won't trust me or believe me. He'll think I did it on purpose to spite him and I didn't" she heaved a juddery breath "but I want it enough for both of us, it'll be the last thing I ever have of him" her words were so honest that they even bought a tear to Benny's eye "Anna, you can't hide it from him" he said gently "if I don't Benny he'll resent me forever, he'll resent the baby like he does Linda and Christian and we shouldn't have to live like that, he should have the life he's chosen with no hindrances and I need to be with the kids"
Benny's mind was racing at a thousand miles an hour and he felt that Frida's must be too. Abba without Anna? It was unthinkable but equally she couldn't tour, by the time they toured she would be heavily pregnant "we won't tour without you Anna, Abba can't be without you" Frida voiced his thoughts unwittingly " you can and you will" Anna said firmly "you'll be much better off without me, no plane worries at least" she tried to smile "and no freaking out to deal with" she took a sip of her tea "I'll buy my way out of the contract and Frida you need to talk to Inger to replace me, she's done it before. I don't want Bjorn to know anything until it's done, he said I'd be better off with the kids and he's right. I'll miss you very much, I love you both and Abba more than you could ever know" she paused to wipe a tear away "I do love Abba whatever he says, I'd like to record stuff for you , I would like to do that" Benny cleared his throat "is there nothing we can say?" "No" was her short answer "how will you live?" Frida asked on the verge of sobbing herself "I've always had my own account for the royalties from my solo work, I have a small inheritance from my grandfather. I don't need much, we don't need much. I won't take anything from him" "we'll transfer your share of Abba royalties to your account then" Benny said "no Benny, they stay where they are, he wants the riches and the fame he can have them, I don't want them, they've cost me too much but maybe I'll write something good enough for Abba and you can record it" she smiled tiredly "you were always good enough" Benny grumbled "you're just stubborn" "where will you go?" he asked "far away, where he won't have to see me or the kids, we won't interfere and I won't tell you two where I am, it wouldn't be fair on you if Bjorn starts asking" At this point Benny finally put his foot down "Absolutely not, no, no NO!" he thundered and both Anna and Frida jumped "if you are set on doing this and we can't persuade you not to then you will go somewhere that you are familiar with and you will tell us where you are. I will not tell Bjorn and neither will Frida if you don't want us to. Those children are loved by us too and so are you and there is no way on this planet I will even consider allowing you to disappear from everyone. Those children don't deserve to be uprooted and lose contact with everyone they love. We will be part of their lives understand?" Anna nodded speechlessly "You will give me your bank details and I will sort out your royalty payments in a way that Bjorn won't notice. As if I'm going to allow you to live as a pauper would!" he grumbled crossly "I will deal with Stig and get you out of this ridiculous contract, the rest of us will have to go" he fell silent as his mind sorted through the ramifications "when things are settled Anna, you must give him a chance, promise me? This will pass, he does love you. Perhaps some distance will bring it all into focus for him" "he won't want that but I'll promise for the kids and for you. I'd never stop him seeing the kids if he really wants to"
There was silence for a while "where are the kids Anna?" Frida asked quietly "with Papa, Mama isn't feeling so well, I booked us a cottage for a break away, I thought it might help us you and Frida went away and you came back ready to face the album. It was supposed to be a surprise for him, instead it's a surprise for me" she looked so sad that it damn near broke both their hearts as they listened to her talk "will he be happy with her? Please tell me he will, that this is all worth it?" she asked "I can't tell you that, I won't tell you that because it isn't true, when he gets his head out of his arse he'll be a miserable as sin" Benny snapped "and he'll deserve it too but this will work out in the end" Frida moved to hug Anna "you have to believe that it will Anna, you two are meant to be. We've only just got married and one day Abba will sing as two married couples and that's when we end. I want babies too and I'm not as strong as you, I can't do it all like you do" Anna smiled "you have Benny, he loves you, you'll never be alone and I clearly can't do it all either or we wouldn't be sat here. I'd like to sing again with you one day, if he'll let me. He'll be relieved when he realizes he won't be responsible for me anymore, Abba will fly high without me and I'll be cheering you on and supporting you all the way but for now I need to keep everyone safe, I need to mend myself and I need to look after the kids"
Benny felt like an old man as he got up and tugged Anna to her feet "Ok, we'll deal with it but only on the condition that you stay in touch, daily  and I mean it Anna. I'll do my best for you but I won't accept anything less". Easygoing Benny was gone and Anna agreed to his conditions with something like relief that they weren't going to cut her off, she couldn't imagine not speaking to them every day anyway and she was grateful. Frida got up and joined the hug "how will you live?" she repeated softly "I won't "live" without him Frida, you know that but I'll survive one breath at a time"