Because She Loved Him

Last Goodbye.

Numbness was all that Anna knew and for that she was grateful, she focused on the kids and what she had to do to make sure that they were all safe and happy. She was grateful to Benny for sorting as much as he had, she was out of the tour contract even though it was bittersweet. She would miss it very much but Bjorn was right she was a burden when they were touring and they would be better off without her, they wouldn't have to worry about the kids or getting her on the plane and no one would have to worry about her and the fans or the people who wanted to hurt her and her children, she felt alone but actually didn't mind it so much as she thought she would, obviously she was better off by herself. She had listened to every single word that Bjorn had said and even though it felt like the end of her world his could now begin and she would make sure that the children had every bit of her love and attention and she would be enough for all of them, she would pour all the love that she had for Bjorn into their children. Bjorn had given her so much, two beautiful children that had been borne out of love and God willing another little one as a beautiful last goodbye. She was not bitter contrary to what everyone may think, she had wanted peace and somewhere to be safe and now she had both. No one would think to look for her where she was going, whoever was writing those terrible letters wouldn't look for her anymore nor threaten her children, they wouldn't harm anyone left in Abba because she was gone. She had promised Benny that she would still record for Abba, not with Bjorn of course for he had his new life and wouldn't want a reminder of his past but she did wonder if once she was out of sight whether she'd be quickly out of mind and knew it would be easier on Benny and Frida if she just let Inger do it all, she was great at what she did and would be a worthy replacement
She shrugged, she would cross that bridge when she came to it, for now she needed to settle down and get the kids settled and secure and get herself sorted out. Benny had been more than generous with her Abba money but she was determined that she would only spend the minimum, the rest she would put away for the children and their future, she refused to take anything from Bjorn at all. He didn't want them so that was that. In this moment she didn't see the illogical nature of her actions she saw herself doing what was best for everyone, Benny and Frida wouldn't have to get stuck in the middle of fights, they wouldn't be made uncomfortable or made to take sides, the kids wouldn't be left here, there and everywhere she would be with them giving them a stable home and they would never have to know their father didn't want them, she would come up with something to tell them something that would make them sure that Papa loved them but couldn't be with them for a while and hopefully by the time they were old enough to ask questions she may have come up with something believable for all of them.
The driving force for her flight was those threats to her, the children and Abba but the fuel for that force was gleaned from the sight of Bjorn choosing Lena in front of her very eyes, he may not have said so in words but he'd looked straight at her, taken Lena's hand and turned his back on her. It was a sight she would run from for the rest of her life but one that she would never be able to escape.
She had been in touch with her parents and had long, tearful phone conversations in which they had tried to persuade her to come to them but she'd refused for fear of their safety, who knew what this maniac would do? It was best that she went far away and they visited her, it was best she went far away for everyone's sake because she loved them all and she didn't want anyone to be harmed because of her, if they were it would be the end of her and she desperately needed to protect her children so really for her it was a forgone conclusion, she couldn't bear to hear Bjorn say yet again that he didn't want the children and God only knows what he would say to an accidental pregnancy, she never would have done it on purpose but she thought that Bjorn wouldn't see it that way, only a woman would truly understand why she wouldn't have chosen to be pregnant right now because two pregnancies in such a short space of time would be hard on her but she was strong, she could do it. Bjorn would think that she had done it on purpose to tie him down more, he would resent her and she wouldn't be able to bear that either so for her she was out of choices.
She had coasted for a few days, debating what she wanted to do, she couldn't face going home because she knew Bjorn would be there and she just couldn't face his anger or his total horror about more children but perversely she also wanted to be somewhere that she felt close to him and for her the only place she knew that she could hide in plain sight because no one would ever think to look for her there was Verum, anyone who really knew her would understand why she would go there. She and the kids stayed in a hotel in Stockholm for a few days while she found somewhere to go, she didn't have much stuff with her she'd collected a few of the kids favourite toys and some photos but bought a few new things because she couldn't stand to go back to the house where she'd been so happy and perversely where Bjorn had been so unhappy so really she took nothing. She used her own account and not their joint account, she would take nothing from him, in her head she'd taken enough from him and she was done. She had to rely on herself now and the irony of it didn't escape her, not so long ago she was one of the most famous women in the world, millions of fans with a lovely house and a husband who she adored, now she was a single mother of three who would have to budget and get a job once she'd paid for somewhere to live and a husband who hated her. Once she was settled she'd give him what he wanted and set him free so he could work, write, sing and play with Abba and whatever else would come his way until his heart was content, she couldn't think about him and Lena yet, she knew that the grief and agony would come eventually but she hoped not before they were settled, not before she had somewhere safe to be.
She drove the 3 hours to Verum in terrible weather, it rained all the way and honestly it matched her mood because for nearly the whole way there she wasn't sure if it was the rain on the windscreen blurring her vision or the tears that no matter how much she tried to stop them for the sake of Linda poured down her cheeks the further away from Bjorn she got. Arriving in Verum, she found herself a small bed and breakfast and booked them in for a week, hopefully in that time she would fine somewhere to rent. She'd made herself short of money with her determination to cut all ties so she would only be able to rent something simple and work up towards something better, she'd have to find a job before the baby came so that she could build up some money, she had wiped out everything she had financially to get out of her tour contract but she had no regrets.
Her royalty money from her solo work would come into her personal account soon and while she wasn't as popular as she was it would certainly help, the Abba money would go into an account for the children she would not have Bjorn say that she was living off him regardless, that Abba could do without her but she couldn't live without Abba.
Rocked by grief, rage and pregnancy hormones Anna couldn't recognise that she wasn't entirely rational with her decisions, her only thought was to protect the kids and herself from any more fallout, to make sure the kids never felt or saw anything like they'd been through again.
By the end of the week she'd secured rental of a tiny cottage with 2 bedrooms and it was within sight of the church where she and Bjorn had married and the children had been christened, she could just see the top of the bell tower over the trees at the end of the cottage garden and this gave her comfort. The cottage was untidy and needed work hence it's cheap price she supposed, the garden was a jungle but the landlord had told her that his mother used to keep it well with vegetable patches and flowers, he said that the garden has been pretty much self sufficient and this fired something in Anna, she'd always loved gardening and the thought of growing her own fruit and vegetables caught her imagination and would save them money. It would also mean that she wouldn't have to go out so much, she would set up deliveries for meat from the butcher. She signed her lease Agneta Johansson, she had no wish for people to be aware of her presence and the way she looked at the moment she was sure she was unrecognisable, she returned to her roots with the way her name was really spelt and her mother's maiden name and it made her feel safe. She wasn't unrecognisable but the landlord recognised that there was trauma in her eyes and decided to leave well alone. Verum had always been proud of it's adopted daughter and now he would ensure that Verum would protect her for as long as she needed, he visited the vicar that married Agnetha and Bjorn to discuss the matter before that day was out.
Blissfully unaware of these goings on behind the scenes Anna and the children settled into the cottage rapidly and the landlord sent in a couple of gardeners to clear the jungle in the back garden so that she at least had a fighting chance of gardening the way she dreamed of but other than that let her be, Anna registered Linda at the local school and by the end of the first fortnight Anna was thankful to be settled, it had not all been plain sailing, far from it Linda crying endlessly for her papa nearly broke Anna and she wished more than anything that she could ease her daughter's pain and call Bjorn but he'd made it so very clear that the children were a burden to him and hindering the life that he wanted and she would shield her children from that unsavoury reality until her dying breath, she would make sure that they felt loved by both parents no matter what lies she had to tell. Thankfully Christian was young enough to forget this trauma for she was sure that he felt the absence of his father keenly, she fancied that she could read it in his eyes.
It wasn't until Linda had gone to school and had got over the transition period and Anna was finally home alone with no-one to distract her that she had to finally face the silence that she'd been running from and when she did the grief for everything she had lost, the love of her life, Abba, her home and her own life as she had known it hit her with the force of a tsunami and she was grateful that Linda was at school so that she could grieve in peace. There were days when she drowned under the weight of her grief and she was lucky to have the children because they made her fight her way up until her head was at least above the water. She hadn't been aware that a human had the capacity for so many tears and they seemed to be neverending and she felt like her heart and soul were shrouded in blackness, there was no light for her she could see nothing but darkness and it was ironic to her that she'd always been afraid of the dark, now it was everywhere she looked.
In amongst all of this she'd put the baby to the back of her mind, it was safer where it was but she was starting to show quite a little bump now, she hadn't yet seen a doctor in Verum and she knew she had to gather the courage to go and register with the doctor and have a check up but it all seemed too much and too scary, she was calmer inside the house or garden where no-one could see her and then came the day that the baby moved for the first time, suddenly she realised how fast time was going and it forced her into facing the doctor.
Gossip travelled fast in Verum and while the doctor would never break a confidence he was aware of Anna's presence, he was more surprised to realise she was pregnant when he did see her but just the same as the landlord he saw the suffering in her eyes and chose to remain silent until she was ready to talk, if ever she was, he took on the register of her and her children and thankfully found that despite a lack of prenatal care the baby was strong and healthy and perhaps even a little big for the vague dates he'd been given, she however was run down and tired so he prescribed some iron tablets and some gentle sleeping tablets that wouldn't harm the baby but she knew that she wouldn't take the sleeping tablets for fear of not being awake if the children needed her but she had to admit it did make her feel better to have the option, it made her feel like she had some control.
She was doing well for the most part, the money from her solo work was coming in, her share of the abba royalties that Benny sent religiously was not into her account as she'd told him, it was going into an account that she had opened that was specifically for the children, not for her. They were the product of a broken home and they deserved the best start in life, she was a good mama, if nothing else she was a good mama and the children would not suffer for her mistakes and she'd done Bjorn a favour, several in fact because she loved him. She'd jumped before she was pushed and saved him the last goodbye.