Because She Loved Him

Unthinkable

Dear Agnetha,
I'll give you credit for your stubbornness but you must know by now that you look like a pathetic fool to the world and him. Pathetic, you and your children that are making him less of a man. Your children are probably as crazy as you. Do you think you can keep them safe? Did you like the presents? I watch you all the time, I make sure you stay away from him. Out of sight out of mind isn't that the way it goes Agnetha? You'll never know when I'm around. I want him Agnetha and you won't stop me. He's going to be mine soon and I'll take everything that you think is yours. Except the children, we don't need your brats holding us back. He doesn't love them and he doesn't love you, you forced him to have kids. He did it to keep you quiet, he thought he needed you for ABBA, now he knows how wrong he was. He feels nothing for you but pity and he tells me every time we are together, don't you ever wonder where he is night after night, day after day? I'm going to replace you in every way there is, that's what he wants. He thinks of me when he's with you, I know because he tells me so, if you think you can hold him you've never been more wrong, if you try, your brats that you think are more important than him won't be around for you to worry about.
Think about it Agnetha, when did he last love you? You took him for granted and now you'll pay the price

Anna wondered how it was possible that the letter writer had known every one of her fears, had picked apart her weaknesses and it wasn't just in this letter, it had crept into all of them. She'd broken after the last one and told Frida some of it and sworn Frida to secrecy, there was enough fissures in the band already and she didn't think she could bear to see Benny and Bjorn fight anymore than they already were. It broke her heart for she was coming to the conclusion that she was only adding to the woes of the three people she loved most in the world other than her children. Perhaps they would all be better off without her, especially Abba. She knew that the kids loved her and needed her, the letter writer was right they were a constant source of irritation to him much as she tried to keep everything on an even keel for him. The kids deserved to be loved all the time not just when it suited or for photo shoots, she didn't doubt that Bjorn loved them in his way but she was starting to wonder if it was enough, if they were doing the children damage by going on like this but she loved him to the ends of eternity and back. Leaving him and Abba was unimaginable to her, she wouldn't survive without him. He was her 'one' and she knew there would never be anyone else for her as long as she lived but the unthinkable was starting to invade her mind. Perhaps she was the one holding onto nothing but dreams and her dreams at that. His dreams were different to hers now that much was clear. Maybe someone knew something she didn't and Bjorn really didn't love her anymore, maybe she'd finally outworn her welcome.
She found herself wondering whether if deep down she'd always suspected that this would happen, that she was not destined for life long happiness, she'd always dreaded losing him and now it seemed that she was facing her worst nightmare. She was at a loss for what to do if truth be told, she felt that she had exhausted every avenue but she took strength from remembering that she had married him, he had chosen to marry her and she took her vows very seriously. She had meant them then and she meant them even more now so she put that letter away in a box under her bed with all the others and her notes of all the other strange things that had happened to her, she wiped her face, brushed her hair and left it loose as she knew Bjorn loved it and got herself together.
That evening Bjorn  came home earlier than he normally did, he ate dinner with them and actually played with the children much to their delight. He was quiet with her but he was at least engaging with them all finally and her sense of relief was profound, so much so that when the children had gone to bed and they were in the kitchen with him sat at the table and her loading the dishwasher she ventured a personal conversation for the first time in weeks her "how are you?" was tentative but determined his eyes met hers "tired" he sighed "I'm tired Anna" "can you stop for a while? Take a little break from the album? Benny and Frida have but we haven't. It might help you" she offered. "You'd like that wouldn't you?" he sneered quietly "do you want the album at all Anna? Do you want Abba?" "Bjorn, I love you. I don't want to fight with you again. I love Abba, I want the album to be the best it can be for my personal pride and yours. I know how important it is to you and because you want it so much I've worked whenever you've asked and I've given it everything I have for you. I do love it all Bjorn but not at the cost of us and our family. I love you more, I want what's best for you, us" Anna felt a weight lift from her chest as she was finally able to say what she had been longing to say for so many weeks. The silence was profound and not at all comfortable, it felt like waiting for a guillotine to fall and fall it did."If you loved me Anna you wouldn't fight with me all the time, you'd let me be. If you loved me you'd let me work without nagging me to be home for the kids, they are too young to remember whether I'm here or not and you spend enough time with them for both of us" he paused to take a mouthful of his drink "I wonder Anna, I wonder if it would have been different if you hadn't had the children" For a moment Anna did not know what to say "we had the children Bjorn" she whispered eventually "not just me" he shot her a look "how much choice did you give me Anna? You were obsessed, you used to love music as much as I did and now...." He left the sentence hanging "I do love the music Bjorn, I love making music with you. I love you" she repeated desperately "I wouldn't change having the kids for the world because they are us, they came from us, together. We made them, you do love them. You do!" she protested "you wouldn't really be without them, not really. This is just a rough patch that every marriage goes through, you're stressed, tired and I try to keep it all peaceful for you" "You really don't see it do you? You don't understand me anymore, you're so focused on the kids that you don't see me anymore" he sounded bored "what is it I don't see?" she whispered "that I'm different, that I need more. I deserve more Anna." "I do see you Bjorn" she protested "I see you as no one else ever will, I see you because I love you, just like you see me as no one else ever has or will. That's special Bjorn" "I'm tired of the fighting Anna, there's more to life than this." "But we haven't argued, not recently" Anna protested"I've kept the kids away from you, I've done everything you've asked of me, I've not complained when you're late home and except for tonight it's every night. I understand you Bjorn and I am trying"
Bjorn scowled when he couldn't refute the truth of her words and her "I miss you" pulled his heartstrings much as he fought it. He realised that he'd been avoiding her because Lena had taken up every minute he'd had and it was easier not to face Anna. Lena represented a path away from the humdrum, she promised much and it was like a drug to him, the temptation of freedom, to be the star he was destined to be. He didn't want to be held accountable for his actions, much less face his own reflection in Anna's eyes.
Anna was the one who made the last move, settling herself on his lap, craving their connection that had always been so intense and special. " I miss you" she repeated "I love you, I need you" she whispered in his ear while unbuttoning his shirt "we love you, we'll get through this"
He was helpless against her as he'd always been and his fevered mind calmed and focused on her, the sense of belonging washed over him as he pulled her top over her head and buried his head between her breasts "Oh Anna I'm sorry" he groaned as he pulled her hips closer "I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't imagine..." his sentence tailed off when Anna kissed him with all the love she held for him and inwardly rejoiced that they were finally reconnecting. Her heart swelled with love for this man, the only man she'd ever had eyes for, they both lost themselves in the lovemaking that was unique to them, speaking without words.
They neither of them could ever have known that Anna's loving of him that night would lead them down the road of no return, nothing could stop their unthinkable destiny.