Because She Loved Him

Absolution

Bjorn spent what little remained of the night at the studio and fell into a fitful snooze in the chair at some point and that's where Benny found him at 0730 when he turned up early to get into the office and start getting things sorted for the difficult days that were to come. Benny shook him awake roughly "what the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, it took a while for Bjorn's brain to catch up "I didn't want to be anywhere else" he mumbled "what's wrong with you? You look like hell" Benny knew of course but if he didn't react like he normally would then things would get more difficult very quickly and he needed to get some things sorted before that happened. Bjorn dragged his hands down his stubble "I fucked up Benny" "Again? You're doing a lot of that lately" Benny said emotionlessly "and that's another thing, yell at me! Give me hell, don't be so bloody reasonable! Why is everyone being so reasonable??" Bjorn demanded "because that's what you wanted, you've been running us all into the ground for months and we have to do it your way or not at all, you can't be angry that you have everything as you wished it" Bjorn felt the hot tide of shame for the 2nd time in 24 hours "that isn't how it was" Bjorn protested but even to his own ears he sounded unconvincing at best "you have your way Bjorn, now you must deal with it as you will. I have some stuff I need to do in the office" and with that Benny was making his way up the stairs "wait!" Bjorn called and Benny halted but didn't turn "I'm sorry for yesterday, it really wasn't how I planned for it to happen" "I'm sure you are" Benny responded "but the fact is you did plan for it to happen at some point and the only reason you're sorry is that it got out of your control because you were drunk. It still got you everything you wanted, you're unsettled because you can't control how people view you now and you didn't get the reaction that you wanted. I know you Bjorn, you were closer to me than my own brother, I call you my brother. You expected people to run around after you and do your bidding and accept everything that you present us with, well we are but you expect too much if you think this hasn't changed everything forever. Things will never be the same again, we will work, we will tour, we will sing. We will give you what you crave, Abba will continue. Trust is a valuable thing, to be treasured and protected, not abused and stomped on and that Bjorn is what's eating you. You know but you'll never admit it to anyone, you know what you've done"
The worst of it was that Benny was right Bjorn reflected as he watched Benny walk up the stairs and Bjorn didn't know how to get himself out of it.
He left the studio without saying another word and headed back home with the surety that Anna and the kids would be back there but when he got there her car wasn't in the drive,  he went in anyway, the car could have been in the garage, but it wasn't and the house was as still as a grave. He trailed through the house checking regardless but the silence made his ears roar, he didn't like it. He hated it but what he could hear was the voice in his head that told him this is what he craved, this is what he'd asked for. This was his doing and he didn't know what to do, which way to turn, she would come back she had to because she loved him, he knew that. He went to have a shower and change his clothes but when he was done it didn't make him feel better, all he could see was the kids toys neatly in their box not all over the floor or stuffed in the shower, he remembered yelling at Anna about the mess that day and his regret bloomed, he wouldn't moan again. He'd laugh and clear it up himself, he'd help her, he would..... and for the first time the tears threatened.
Suddenly he couldn't stand to be in the house anymore, he needed to be somewhere that he was wanted and Benny was cross with him, he couldn't face his parents or sister asking awkward questions and for a man who thought he had the world at his feet with a million friends he found that he had nowhere to go so he drove himself to Lena's but pulling up outside her flat didn't give him any comfort, instead he felt guilty and his thoughts were clearer than they had been for a while. What had he been thinking over the last few months? Before he could analyse it any further he realized that Lena had seen him and was waiting for him on the step, the sight of her smiling face was balm to his wounded soul and he wondered what the harm would be just to have a few moments of relaxation and care, he needed to regroup and make plans. Anna had already gone and she wouldn't know that he'd been with Lena. Decision made he went to greet Lena but when she hugged him it felt all sorts of wrong and he fought back a tide of guilt, everyone else had abandoned him when everything he had said was true, but that nagging little voice in the back of his mind that told him he'd abandoned them not the other way around was loud. He ignored it out of stubbornness and spite and went with Lena into her apartment.
His time with Lena soothed his mind, this was what he needed. Peace, a place to forget his troubles, to be the man he thought he should be, that he was entitled to be and he deliberately pushed everything to the back of his mind thinking that he would deal with it all when he'd had a rest.
He didn't leave Lena's again for the rest of the day and while nothing untoward happened this time her carefully orchestrated conversation had its desired effect and by the time he finally did leave after dark, his ego was fully stoked and his earlier rage against his world was reinvigorated who did they all think they were? Holding him to ransom and making him feel guilty, it was ridiculous. Anna would come round eventually and everything would get back to normal, he had a right to feel the way he did and to express those feelings as he saw fit. Without him Abba would be nothing, besides Benny had said that Abba would continue, they would sing
so that meant that Anna would be forced to face him eventually without him chasing her, she have to bring the kids with her and then they could sort it out.
For the second time that day he went home and still there was nothing, no sign of anyone at all let alone Anna and the kids and he was damned if he would ring anyone and let them know that he didn't know where she was. An unwanted frisson of worry started in his chest, they hadn't been apart for this length of time for a lot of years and on the very rare occasions that they had been they had known where the other was and where Anna was the kids were, he talked himself out of searching for them, because she was the one who had gone off in a huff. Experience told him she'd calm down eventually and let him explain so for now he'd enjoy the peace of the house without the kids and being nagged, he knew that they were due in the studio tomorrow and he resolved to be there early so that he'd be sure to see everyone but especially her and make a start on sorting out this unholy mess.
Seven in the morning found him outside the studio in a foul mood having had the worst night's sleep of his life, far from the quiet soothing him, it had the opposite effect,  he tossed and turned all night and was haunted by the lingering perfume of Anna still on her pillow, he had woken from fitful dozes several times during the night swearing that he could hear the children but of course when he went to their rooms there was nothing there, consequently by the time he actually got to the studios he was in a towering rage because he was overtired and wracked with emotions and feelings that he didn't want to face. His own culpability for this disaster was starting to stare him in the face no matter how much he tried to ignore it.

His irritation knew no bounds when he saw that Benny's car was already in the car park, he had hoped to be here first, since when did everyone get up so bloody early around here? he demanded silently, quite conveniently forgetting that he'd been demanding the very same thing from everyone for months, he also saw Frida's now why would they come in separate cars? he wondered. The only car he didn't see and yet realised was the only one he was looking for, was Annas little car. There was no sign of it and he was conscious of his heart beating a strange tattoo in his chest with a odd flushing sensation that made him feel distinctly peculiar, two full days and 2 nights of no Anna and no kids was not what he had imagined it to be, he hadn't realised how much he had relied on seeing her here today, seeing the kids. His world felt all sorts of unsettled and even if it was his fault, he didn't like it one little bit.

His stubborn resolution to not ask about Anna made as he walked down the corridor held firm until he walked in the door and realised that Benny and Frida were at the desk working on vocals that once again he hadn't heard before, this time it was the doubled backing track for 'If it Wasn't For The Nights' the track itself had been completed some while ago but the backing vocals had been giving them issues, nothing had sounded quite right but it certainly sounded right now, He resisted the urge to roll his eyes at them all as he strode into the office "Morning" he grated "early birds again I see" Benny's ironic smirk was quickly hidden "turns out you were right, we are very productive earlier in the mornings" he said " I wouldn't get too used to it though, at this rate it won't be long until we're done. We just need to write a couple more, get them laid down and that'll be it" they were interrupted by Gorel coming in with armfuls of paperwork "You're here at this ungodly hour too?" he asked "surely there's no need for you to be here as well?" he asked "Well as you say, lots to do, we need to keep moving. Making sure everything works the way you want it to" Gorel avoided eye contact with him though and after dumping a few bits of paperwork in front of Benny she scurried out saying " I'll carry on with the venues as agreed"

Frida inadvertently chose that moment to walk back into the studio "Morning Bjorn" she said easily, she didn't avoid eye contact but her eyes were carefully blank and her smile definitely didn't reach them. Benny and Frida swung straight into conversation about the vocals done that morning and as he listened to them he was faced with the very real realisation that Anna was avoiding him and if what he heard was anything to go by working better without him as well and suddenly he couldn't hold it back anymore "Has Anna been in this morning?" he asked although he was sure he knew the answer "yes, she was in good shape today" Benny said "is she still here? I missed her this morning" "No, she's gone, she had to go" Benny told him "Why did she have to go?" Bjorn demanded "I need to see her, to sort things out" "In her mind Bjorn you've sorted things out in the way that you wanted and she has to live with your decisions, she has to live with the things you said to her and the things she had to see today" "Wait a minute, what decisions? I haven't made any decisions" Bjorn protested                      "Everything you told us the other day was a decision, everything you've said in the last few months was a decision" Frida interjected quietly "Now we will work with them in the best way we can, Anna included"  " I don't know what you mean!" Bjorn growled defensively "It doesn't matter now" Benny said "we have stuff we need to sort today, we have visitors at 0900" He looked at his watch "and I don't want to start any arguing before that happens" "Who's arguing?" Bjorn snapped "I can't get a sensible word out of anyone and I can't imagine why Anna feels the need to avoid me! it was just an argument, we've had millions of them!" "Is that what you really think?" Benny asked with genuine interest "I don't think it, I know it" Bjorn retorted "it's ridiculous, all this drama over nothing" "but it isn't nothing is it Bjorn, it's definitely developing into an everything" Benny picked up a newspaper and gave it to him "this is the nothing Anna woke up to this morning" Frida went and settled next to Benny and put headphones on to listen to Benny as he worked and Benny focused on the job at hand leaving Bjorn to focus on the paper and there in lurid colour covering the majority of the front page of the newspaper was a picture of Bjorn embracing Lena in broad daylight on her front step and a headline screaming about Bjorn's new woman. Bjorn thought he would be sick right there and then, he turned the page with shaking fingers and more horrors awaited him in the shape of a picture of him leaving Lena's after dark, unfortunately they were backlit by the light on the front porch and the street light, there was no mistaking him. There was also no mistaking the fact that they were kissing. 

For all the wrong reasons Bjorn was in the place that he'd wanted to be, front page news in probably every paper in the country and across the world, it was at best a hollow victory and at worst if it was absolution he sought, there was none to be had. 

Not for him.