Because She Loved Him

Cold Comfort

Bjorn woke up feeling rested although he had to admit his head was aching, he revelled in the peace of the morning, it was just getting light and normally by now the kids were bouncing on them he could say for sure that he was grateful for the respite. He was aware of a weight on his right which in itself was unusual, Anna always slept sprawled all over him from his left, he opened his eyes fully and looked at the ceiling only to realise that it was not a ceiling that he recognised, at that he was fully awake and he felt his stomach roll, a sensation that he was unfamiliar with, he frowned as he focused fully on his surroundings. It didn't take him long to recognise Lena's apartment, he'd been here a few times for drinks, food, when he'd needed time out and even though he had been here very late in the past he had never before been here for the whole night. Memories of the day before were tickling at the edges of his mind and he was conscious of a heavy feeling in his chest, he was disturbed from his thoughts by Lena waking and stretching herself against him and stayed still as a statue as her nails dug into his chest and his mind went into a whirl "morning lover" she whispered huskily "I knew you'd be amazing, I wasn't wrong. I knew I'd get you in the end" she snuggled closer while Bjorn was still wondering what the hell had gone on, how would he ever explain this to anyone let alone Anna?
He didn't respond for a while as vague memories came rolling back of him and Lena in intimate contact, of them drinking copious amounts of wine, laughing and joking and him feeling free and happy. Last night he'd got what he wanted, this morning he wasn't anywhere near as sure. Was this what he'd planned? He didn't think so, he hadn't expected it to ever get this far. He sighed as he remembered how easy it had all felt, no fire and if he admitted it no passion, he'd never imagined in his wildest dreams ever being unfaithful to Anna and yet here he was. He couldn't quite remember all of it but enough to bring him to the obvious conclusion and because he didn't know what to do he let Lena touch him until he cleared his throat and asked "how did I get here? How long have I been here?" "We came home last night in a taxi" she purred "we ate, we drank, we talked. We solved all of your problems" she giggled in a way that grated him, then she looked over his shoulder and told him "it's 1045"
At that his blood ran colder than ever "1045??? I was supposed to be in the studio at 0800!! What the hell were you thinking? Fucking hell! How am I ever going to explain this?!?" Lena blinked at him "you don't explain anything, you're the boss. You do as you like, without you they are all nothing" and even though he knew that he'd lapped those words up when she'd said them before, this time they discomfited him so he didn't respond "I need to go!" he spat as he jumped out of the bed, secretly horrified when he discovered he was naked and when he looked back at her so was she "fuck!" he mumbled "fuck! Where are my clothes?" he asked "wherever we dropped them Bjorn" was her rather unwelcome answer "fuck!" he said again as he hunted his way through the apartment picking up his clothes from wherever they had fallen and shoving them on haphazardly. He was no more than half dressed when Lena came out in all her supposed glory "what's the hurry Bjorn? "she asked "you said we had all the time in the world" he grimaced "perhaps I did, I don't remember. I certainly don't have time now, I need to get to the studio!" "I don't think they'll be expecting you today" she said and there was a tone to her voice that made him look up "what makes you say that?" he enquired "you told them how it was, how it was going to be. You told Agnetha everything that you told me. You told the other two what you told me" he could see that she was gleeful "you showed them who was boss" Bjorn suddenly wasn't feeling as good about this as he thought he would "everything?" he questioned hoarsely " everything and more" Lena confirmed "it was fantastic, their faces!" she giggled "You told Benny he was a drunk who never wrote anything decent and you'd been carrying him for years, you told Frida that she was a shit mother who abandoned her kids and if it wasn't for you she'd still be a second rate jazz singer" Lena was crowing " all of them washed up and second rate, you were on fire! Long overdue if you ask me!" "I didn't" he said "what??"she demanded "I didn't ask you Lena. I never would have said those things" "but you did" she protested "and you've been saying them to me for months. It was past time you told the right people and not just me. Now they'll do what we want" he couldn't argue with her because it was true, he had said those things to her "bet the desk was recording" Lena said smugly "you can play it back and hear everything that was said." Bjorn wasn't at all sure that he wanted to hear his own voice saying those things out loud to the other three but he knew Lena might be right "bring it home when you come back tonight, I'm sure I missed bits and I'd love to hear it all again" Bjorn frowned at her attitude and cleared his throat "where is my car?" he enquired "outside the wine bar we go to in gamla stan" "shit" he spat "how much worse is the day going to get?"
By the end of this coming day, he'd have only the slightest idea of how much worse it was going to get.
He stalked to the phone on the wall and called a taxi to take him to the wine bar, he checked his pockets "my wallet?" he questioned impatiently "on the bedside table, you needed condoms" she giggled again. In amongst his rising horror he was conscious of a sense of relief that he had no right to feel, at least that was one worry off the table, he couldn't remember using a condom, or how it had ever got that far, he didn't remember getting that far at all. He finished dressing and was vaguely aware of Lena planning and plotting their next move and he remembered similar conversations in wine bars and this very apartment but he'd never thought he'd be facing this as a reality,  he said he wanted it but did he really want it? If he did want this new world why was he feeling so unsettled?
The taxi came and distracted him from his thoughts and for that he was momentarily thankful, he left Lena with "I'll see you later on" and was then ferried across Stockholm to gamla stan where he collected his car. Once he was in the familiarity of his own car, his own space he fancied he could smell Anna's perfume and when he looked in the mirror he could see a toy lying on the back seat. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, he was good at talking the big talk, good at making excuses for himself, good at blaming others and now here he was facing the consequences of his actions. He started the car and the radio came on, wouldn't you know it SOS was playing and he was sharply reminded of what they could possibly all lose if they didn't get it together. He talked himself into believing that they'd got over worse and that he'd apologize, everyone would be glad that the air was cleared. He had never failed to talk Anna round, she always forgave him everything because she loved him and he was convinced that this time would be no different. With this in mind he drove towards the studios in a buoyant frame of mind , feeling a sense of relief that he'd got his point across and that Abba would go on to bigger and better things.
His arrival at the studio was at first as normal as every other day, he fetched a coffee and made his way into the studio to find an unexpected silence, he rolled his eyes. Here he was four hours late, there should have been people here, the other three should have been here working, they all needed to grow up he considered  it was just a row like any other they'd had. He stomped into the studio and was bought to a stop by the sight of Benny and Michael working at the desks and he could hear vocals that he was sure he didn't remember hearing before and they sounded good, really good. The sound bought a smile to his face, Anna was here, they'd sort all this out, he'd never breathe a word about Lena and he'd find her another job away from Abba, he wandered into the control room "morning" he tried carefully "afternoon" Benny replied in a non committal tone "how's it going?" Bjorn asked "sorry I'm late" "it's going really well" Michael said "we've managed to lay a whole track this morning" Bjorn's eyebrows shot up "Yes, we've had a fantastic morning" Benny said and Bjorn could hear that Benny genuinely meant it "oh, well I'm glad, sorry I wasn't here to help" Bjorn felt a bit discomfited "that's ok" Benny said "we got a lot done, you had other things to deal with" "about that" Bjorn started "I didn't mean for it to happen like that" "Ok" Benny replied and he saw Michael nod. The lack of response puzzled Bjorn, he had expected at least remonstration from Benny, another row to clear the air, this calmness unnerved him "I'm sorry" Bjorn tried again "we need to sort it out" "there's nothing to sort out Bjorn, you've said everything you needed to say. You've sorted yourself out, perhaps you'll be easier to work with now you feel better" Benny replied as he continued to work, the thing was Bjorn didn't feel better, he felt worse. He knew he'd been difficult for the last few months and an unfamiliar hot shame flooded over him "Benny I am sorry. The things I said, I don't remember some of them and I didn't mean them" "Bjorn, let's be honest here, you did mean them, you can't unsay any of them. You have what you want" Benny said politely "but I..." he started only to be interrupted by Michael playing what they'd been working on that morning and Bjorn was treated to Anna in full voice soaring over Chiquitita and Frida meshing with her as only they could. He sat on a stool with a thump "I haven't heard this, I'm sure I haven't. This is beautiful" "glad you agree, we have the take. We were going to work on it this afternoon if you'd like to join us, we'll likely finish this today vocally if you want to lay your backings down now you're here"
For the first time in their long friendship Bjorn couldn't read Benny at all, he couldn't tell if Benny was angry, sarcastic or what was going on. He did know that he was hugely unbalanced but he said "yes I can do that if I could just finish my coffee" it was an uncharacteristic question as Bjorn fought to find firm ground. "Of course" Benny said and he and Michael carried on as normal. To Bjorn it was certainly disconcerting as he watched the two work from the other side of the desk so to speak, he drained his coffee and then settled on the stool "are the girls taking a break?" he asked through the microphone "yeah, they've worked hard. They're done for the day" came Benny's response, that made Bjorn feel even more off balance, never before had they worked separately when recording, yes when he and Benny were mixing or writing but never while recording "oh ok" he stopped himself asking how Anna was instead "we normally work later than this" "Frida is still here, Anna came in early to get it all done for us" Benny said expressionlessly. Bjorn was silenced, he'd missed her? She'd worked for Abba regardless of yesterday? "Has she gone?" he asked quietly "a while ago, she and Frida even laid down the backing for King, it's fantastic" Benny got up from behind the desk and came through into the studio, sitting on the stool next to Bjorn and sorting out  his microphone "better do our part" he commented putting his headphones on.
This time it was Bjorn that was off his stride, he had no one to hide behind. Benny was note perfect and on his game, it took several takes more than usual for Bjorn to get it right and given what he'd put the others through recently for the slightest mistake Benny never said a word and that somehow made it all so much worse, Bjorn was chastened and as Benny got up to go into the mixing desk Bjorn put a hand on his arm "Benny, this is too weird, I'm sorry" Benny looked at him "You've got no reason to be sorry, you never have. You always get exactly what you want, you've said what you needed to say and now we move on with it. Let it go Bjorn, you've got what you want" Benny gave him a half smile "let's get this mixed. I've got things to do later and Frida and I want to get going on time"
Bjorn was left sitting on his stool knowing that Benny was right, he'd got what he said he wanted and now he had it it was cold comfort, he was disturbed from his thoughts at the sound of Frida chatting with Benny like nothing had happened, perhaps he'd get somewhere with her so he hopped off his stool and went to join them all at the mixing desk "Hi Frida" he ventured "you sounded great on Chiquitita, I'm sorry I missed it" he saw a flash of something in her eyes when she looked at Benny and then there was nothing "Afternoon Bjorn, thank you. We were in good form this morning, don't worry about us, you had other things on your mind. Will we see you tomorrow?" "Absolutely yes" he hurried to say "I won't be late again, Frida I'm sorry for yesterday. It wasn't supposed to be like that" "Oh I wouldn't worry too much Bjorn, things have a way of happening just as they should. See you tomorrow, are you ready Benny? We shouldn't be late darling" "Yes, I'm done for the day" Bjorn watched them hug and kiss as they always did and was aware of jealousy, he'd had that yesterday and suddenly it seemed a lifetime ago. A lot had happened since then and given the weird reaction he'd had from everybody he suddenly wasn't so sure that he'd get the reaction he'd been expecting from Anna.
Cold comfort indeed.