Because She Loved Him

Darkness Fallen.

Bjorn watched Benny's retreating back with a frown and pondered their conversation, he was sure that there was more to come but he could admit that he felt better now they'd had a row. At least they had made a start on clearing the air but equally he knew that Benny had never before been so angry with him and Bjorn was coming to the conclusion that he deserved it. There was a lot of truth in what Benny had to say and he'd also been right when he'd told Bjorn that it was what he'd come here for.
His attention was taken by his own voice booming at him across the sound waves, he winced as he could hear the anger, the entitlement and the drunkenness. He sounded selfish and querulous but then the words caught his ears, he could hear Benny attempting to placate him, he heard himself shouting the odds, he felt himself go cold as he heard his own voice telling Benny that he was a washed up drunk who couldn't write anything decent to save his life just like Lena had said, there was so much vitriol pouring through the headphones all from himself that he didn't know if he could listen to it all. If he didn't know that it was his own voice he would have denied saying any bit of this. He heard Anna trying to reason with him, pleading with him to calm down, telling him that she loved him, he heard Frida comforting Anna and then he had turned on her accusing her of being a terrible mother who had abandoned her children. His heart splintered because he hadn't meant to say all this, none of it was true, Benny was right he was a bastard of the first order. Benny walked back in to get his diary but avoided Bjorn's eyes. Bjorn stopped the tape "Christ Benny, I didn't mean it. You must know that I didn't mean any of it, if anything you've been carrying me for the past 6 months" he admitted honestly but Benny wasn't backing down "Oh it gets better Bjorn, that's just the start" he told him with a definite edge to his voice and he pushed the play button as he left the room.

Bjorn went hot, then cold and back again as he listened to his own words damning him. Listening to it as a sober sensible man he couldn't imagine from where he had dredged these words, the sewers of his mind that he'd had no idea were there clearly. He could only listen horror struck as he heard himself lay into Benny over and over, accusing him of not being able to write anything decent for him to write words to, that couldn't be any further from the truth Benny was a maestro and only getting better with age. He heard Benny fight back, but nowhere near what he'd deserved. Anna hadn't said anything for a while but suddenly he knew what Benny had really meant when he'd told him that he'd eviscerated Anna, it seemed that the lions share of his anger and frustration had been dumped solely on her head and this time she'd never said a word, he knew that the fight had finally gone out of her and he truly broke as he heard himself tell her that she was crazy, useless, couldn't sing, that she was dragging them all down. He listened in disbelief as he accused her of not working hard enough, hiding behind children that he had never wanted, that she'd forced him to have. He'd accused her of being paranoid and he'd said he was fed up with dealing with her stupid phobias. He did have issues with all of those things but nothing like he'd portrayed and not even for the reasons he'd said, even though he knew he'd been awful to her since Christian's birth he would never have actually said those things out loud but then he realized he had been for months, oh not like this for sure but a slow, steady drip of criticism and arguments. He heard himself tell Frida off for always defending Anna, always finding excuses for her and then he called Frida a second rate jazz singer and there was where Benny ended it, telling him to get out and sober up. He heard himself talking to Lena, and heard her laughing and then the slam of a door and there was no more from him. There was a silence and Bjorn thanked God that it was over but it wasn't. He heard Anna say "I guess that's that, he doesn't love me and he doesn't love the kids. He told me he didn't want the kids and I didn't believe him" there was no emotion in her voice and Bjorn felt like there was an earthquake inside him. He heard Benny trying to defend him, still his brother despite everything and Bjorn cried as he heard him say "Oh Anna darling he does love you, he loves the kids" Bjorn could hear the emotion in Benny's voice "he's just confused and having a midlife crisis" Is that what this was? Bjorn wondered Is this what was making him react so badly? He saw himself through others eyes for the first time in a very long time and he hated what he saw, he couldn't believe this of himself  but then he heard her voice "I wouldn't mind if it was just that Benny, he's seen me through a ton of crisis. I would have stood by him through anything. I love him but he doesn't love me, I've felt it for months. I'm holding onto something that just isn't there"
Bjorn slumped onto the desk and cried for everything he'd said, everything he'd done, the visions of him shouting at her, pushing her away, ignoring the children over the months. They tortured him over and over again. He could hear the mumbles of the tape in the background as he fought to regain his composure he heard Frida say that he was lashing out but he would never be unfaithful to her. He'd never felt smaller or less of a man than in that moment because he realized exactly what true, good friends he had, still trying to defend him, to find an acceptable reason for his behaviours. He hoped that they could because he couldn't, he couldn't justify the unjustifiable, he sat for an eternity listening to the finished tape clicking around, his eyes were open but he saw nothing except what was inside his head.
Bjorn got up and left the studio, walked past Benny without saying a word and left the office, Benny frowned because he'd expected another fight at least and he got up and went to the window to watch Bjorn come out of the front entrance and run across the car park to his car and then watched him roar out of the car park amid much tyre squealing and burnt rubber. Benny was immediately concerned, much as he was furious with Bjorn he was also worried for him because he knew that once Bjorn really realized what had happened his world would implode, he wasn't the man he'd been showing to them all for the past months which explained the patience and forbearance that Benny and the others had shown him. Benny scowled at the thoughts running through his mind, Stig and Lena had an awful lot to answer for. Yes Bjorn was his own man and made his own decisions but certainly he didn't get into this state on his own. There was no doubt in Benny's mind that Bjorn loved Anna, he'd just got muddled in the humdrum and pressure of his life and caught up in something that he just hadn't seen coming.
He'd had his head turned by something that was out of his own ordinary and Benny knew that Bjorn would regret this eventually and whatever happened he would regret this and the damage it had caused for a lifetime.
For his part Bjorn drove aimlessly for a while, not really seeing where he was going and when he did find himself in his own driveway he had no memory of where he'd been or how he got there, this time he did go inside, he called out for Anna and the children in the hope that she would have calmed and returned but the silence gave him its own answer.
He tore through the house frantically checking every nook and cranny just in case they hadn't heard him calling for them but there was nothing, no sign of them. He found himself sitting in Anna's chair and thinking what she would do, where she would go. She would go somewhere where she was loved he decided so he swallowed his pride and rang her father
"Is she there with you?" were his first words, no hello, no pleasantries Ingvar's quiet "no" stopped Bjorn in his tracks "I thought...I thought.. I don't..." he stumbled "it's a misunderstanding, I didn't mean any of it" he righted himself "All I know is she and the kids are safe" Ingvar growled "you better have good reason for this boy, because she loves you. She always has and she always will. You better remember that she'd never knowingly do anything to hurt you" he sighed "I don't know what's gone on between you two but you better sort this out Bjorn. If I find out any of this is true I'll make sure that your life isn't worth living you understand me?" Bjorn came to a realization "Ingvar if I can't make this right I've done that for myself, my life won't be worth living. I don't like the dark" and with that cryptic comment Ingvar was left with nothing but a dial tone.
Bjorn prowled the house and eventually found himself sitting on the floor on Anna's side of the bed, he didn't bother to put the lights on for he may as well get used to the darkness. How long he sat there he didn't really know but when he finally came out of his tangled mind and looked at his watch it was past 1am and he was aware he needed the bathroom, he leaned up and turned the bedside lamp on but as he moved to get up he noticed a sock poking out from under the bed he picked it up without thought only to realise it was one of Christian's "so small" he murmured hoarsely it was smaller than the palm of his hand and Benny's words came back to haunt him, how could he have not known that Christian had cut his first tooth? Why had Benny been the one to see it and not him? Why hadn't he shared this with Anna? There was no answers that Bjorn could live with but there they were, he'd lost sight of what was most important and now they were all gone because he'd told them he didn't love them, he heard his own voice telling them that he would be better off without them over and over again. It wasn't true, it had never been true, he did love the kids and now he had what he himself had said he wanted, now they were gone he knew just how much he did love them.
He remembered what Benny had said, that Anna had filmed everything for him so he wouldn't miss out and after he'd been to the bathroom he went downstairs and found the camera, the film in there was half used so he went looking for film reels he hadn't seen before and he was ashamed to find several labelled from Christian's birth to a fortnight ago none of which he'd seen. He set up the projector and put the first one on, it was dated the day of Christian's birth and there she suddenly was in all her tired, sweaty glory, the pain in his chest was all too real as he set his eyes on her for the first time in days. It didn't matter that she was only in the film he drank in the sight of her like he hadn't seen her for years and not just days, he watched her eyes and saw the love for him that everyone else had spoken of, he saw her love for their children and their little family, he saw himself hugging her and holding Christian but not for long enough, he was in and out of the room talking to family, friends, press. He could see for himself that his focus wasn't where it should have been at least not all of the time, he watched her reach out for his hand several times but he'd ignored it, he hadn't meant to ignore her but there had been so much going on and he couldn't remember seeing her reach out to him, the film darkened and then started again a few days later and Anna had captured him unawares with Christian in his arms and Linda snuggled next to him and he could hear himself telling stories to them both, he was feeding Christian a bottle and he remembered Anna's determination that she would try something new for her and pump her breast milk so that he could be part of it. He couldn't remember how many times he had fed Christian but whatever it had been it surely hadn't been enough. His eyes were burning with tiredness and unshed tears by the time he'd worked his way through so many beautiful moments that he'd missed, in many of them Anna had given a commentary and her voice soothed the darkness in his soul. There wasn't an ounce of condemnation for him in her voice, the commentary was directed at him making him part of whatever was going on on the screen she chatted away about how he'd have something to chat to them about when he got home, she told the kids how much Papa loved them and that he was sad that he had to work but Papa was making great music with Uncle Benny and when he was finished he'd come home and spend all his time with them. He'd watched Linda, so like him in looks and confidence talk to him through the camera and he wondered at the damage he'd done because she should have been talking to him not a camera. How used to him not being there had she got to be so confident with the camera and talking to it as if it were him? He didn't like the answer to that either but his attention was taken in the end by Anna as it always should have been and finally he noticed her gradually becoming quieter though still putting on a fine show for the children, she lost her glow and became thinner. He saw Benny and Frida in this very house supporting Anna like he should have been, he saw Christian cuddled up with Benny and Linda with Frida and vice versa, she had captured the moment that Benny had spoken of when Benny discovered Christian's first tooth and had laughingly allowed Christian to chomp furiously on his fingers and Bjorn felt the worst kind of heel when he realised that those very fingers earnt them all millions and yet there was Benny caring more for a baby that wasn't his than any damage he might cause. He saw Frida cuddling Anna when she was thick with cold he assumed that Benny must have been filming at that moment  and looking at the dates on the film he knew that this was when he was yelling at her for not trying hard enough, when he was giving her a hard time at home but never once did she complain he remembered, despite his accusations he knew that Anna was the only one who understood what made him tick and had the patience to cope with his nonsense. He knew that she allowed him to be who he was without complaint. He watched the rest of the films with an eagerness that he should have shown months ago, he should have watched them on the very day they were filmed with her and used that time to talk with her and make sure she was well and coping, he should have made sure that she knew how much she was loved  because he loved her. He did love her and he couldn't imagine how he'd allowed it to get to the point where she even had a smidgeon of doubt, he hadn't even been kind let alone the supportive loving husband she'd needed and his regret burned him.

The last film flicked to an end  and the darkness surrounded him, he didn't deserve the light and so he sat on the sofa thinking over everything for the millionth time and still he could make no sense of his own behaviour over the past few months especially with Lena. His insides curled with shame as he thought of the closeness that he had allowed to develop with Lena, Anna wasn't blind and she had to have known, that's what she was referring to in the tape, of course it was. He'd like to be able to say that he hadn't been unfaithful to Anna, he had no memory whatsoever of the deed and he was relieved that he'd felt the crawl of revulsion when he'd woken up next to Lena but it must have happened, he'd been naked and they'd used condoms Lena had told him so but whatever had happened had been entirely inappropriate as was him sharing private stuff with her and becoming emotionally close to her, relying on her to stroke his ego. Clearly his ego needed no further stroking and he resolved to go to Lena's in the morning at a reasonable time this time and end whatever this disaster was that they had cooked up between them. 

With some sort of vague plan in mind he went back up the stairs and settled on Anna's side of the bed where there was still a hint of her scent  but his eyes did not close, they stared into the darkness the sight driving him mad until in the end he rummaged in her bedside drawer for something of hers that might give him comfort but what he happened upon was many sheets of paper, he couldn't see them but he could feel them and curiosity made him sit up and turn the bedside lamp on, he pulled out the papers and frowned when he saw writing that he did not recognize but once he'd read the contents of all of the letters his face wore much more than a frown, the rage that Bjorn felt coursing through him was really like nothing he'd ever experienced. These letters were addressed to Anna by name but they were violent and threatening in the extreme, some of the words written were private information that few knew, they threatened his wife and his children and this could not be bourne. Why had she kept this from him? he demanded of the silent house but then he feared very much that she had told him and he'd accused her of paranoia and exaggerating how bad things were for her but clearly she wasn't, he had the proof in his hands and it made him want to throw up "Oh darling girl, I'm so sorry" he whispered "I should have listened to you" he dug deeper in her drawer and found her notepad that she used to write ideas on in the middle of the night when inspiration struck either of them but other than a couple of pages of song thoughts the pad was full of writings about the strange goings on around her she'd written of being left out of Abba decisions, dead animals being left around the house but never when he was here, she wrote of the letters and how terrified she really was, clearly she'd destroyed some of them, she wrote of being sent dead flowers and things being left in her car and she'd written at length about the day her tyres were slashed and how she thought she would die but Bjorn had come for her. Bjorn started putting all the pieces together and realized that far from being paranoid Anna was being targeted as were the children and here he was with no idea where they were, whether they were safe and there was nothing he could do to protect them. It was all his own stupid fault he knew and now was far too late to realise that he was the one who had lied, not Anna. He did love them all and he wanted them back more than he wanted his next breath but he had no idea where to start and a different kind of darkness had fallen.