Because She Loved Him

Freedom Man.

Bjorn woke with a jump, he had a cramp in his arm and a crick in his neck. He groaned as he lifted his head, he looked at everyone, Agnetha was fast asleep on his shoulder, Linda was absolutely fast asleep on his chest and Christian was wide awake and smiling safe in his mother's arms. He looked at his watch and realised they had been asleep for just over an hour. He shifted position and Linda woke. He put a finger to her lips and gently shushed her. Linda clambered off him and he got off the bed carefully. He stood and stretched and turned to take Christian out of his mother's arms so that she could rest.
He took Christian and Linda downstairs for a while. He gave Christian a bottle and fed Linda. All the while he was debating why it was he felt so unsatisfied and unsettled and he really couldn't put his finger on it. He knew that he was picking fights with Anna for no reason but he couldn't seem to help himself.
It wasn't that he didn't love her, he did but there had to more to life than this. He was a star, a famous man with the world at his feet and he couldn't seem to come to terms with the two sides of his life. He also couldn't understand Anna's attitude towards ABBA, this was what they had worked for, the success and adulation, she'd had issues with some of the fans from the very beginning but as far as Bjorn was concerned these issues came with the territory and Anna would have to learn to deal with it, she was holding the band back and that made him unreasonably angry if he did but realise it.
The following weeks were fraught as Anna struggled to get better, Bjorn struggled with the kids and everything just seemed to him to be falling apart around his ears, he couldn't write and Benny wasn't helping at all. He was enjoying the break so he told Bjorn, he'd taken Frida away for a short holiday on their boat and he'd seen his kids. He was recharging his batteries and told Bjorn many times to use this time for good but Bjorn had got himself into an immoveable state and was focused on what he wanted to the detriment of everything else that was going on around him, his hidden resentment was eating away at him.
By the time Anna was back on her feet there was a silence surrounding them that hadn't been there before and despite her efforts and entreaties to make it up to him he was remote and uncommunicative so
she thought that she would wait until he'd been back at the studio with Benny for a few weeks, she promised herself that she would not nag him about being home at a reasonable time she would just let it be and then once he had settled back into his creative rhythm and got his muse back she would work hard at their marriage and being more what he needed her to be. She loved him and she was willing to compromise, she did realise that her issues since Christian had been born had multiplied but she was feeling better and coping better, she was even feeling the urge to sing again and it had been a while since she'd 'wanted' Abba. She had been lost in thought a lot during her illness and she had even come to the conclusion that while she may not agree with Bjorn's attitude she did understand his creative drive ,indeed it was one of the things that she had fallen in love with about him and that hadn't changed. She had decided to be more supportive and not interfere with his time at the studio, she would go in when they asked for her and stay out of his way letting him do what he needed to do until he'd got it out of his system, she hadn't been married to him for all this time without working out how he ticked. She hoped that the time away would have cleared some of his writer's block and she was aware that she had been hard on him at certain times but never once did she doubt that they would make it through whatever this was.
Her return to the studio at Bjorn's request weeks later was a welcome one for her, she knew that Frida had been in a couple of times without her and it made her feel like she was being left out but the other three had excused it as her being busy with the kids and that it had taken her a long time to get better. Frida had visited of course and they'd had a couple of lovely girlie days but Anna had found herself missing the studio, she and Bjorn connected in a different way again through music and she felt they needed that now.
When she arrived at the studio it was like coming home and she was determined to give everything she had and work until Bjorn was happy, she loved what she had heard so far of the stuff that he and Benny had been working on and she settled on her stool with something that felt a great deal like joy. She and Frida were settled and ready to practice coffees in hand and Anna felt the buzz "I'm so happy to be here Frida" she shared sipping her coffee "I mean it, I just needed time. I'll give it everything I've got now"
Frida grinned at her helplessly "of course you will, we knew that Anna, we never should have worked so hard straight after you had Christian, we'll know better for the next one and do it differently" Anna's eyes grew big and dropped automatically to Frida's midriff "Frida.." she started "god no Anna, not me you" and Frida laughed but Anna detected a wistfulness in her eyes "You want Benny's child Frida, I know you do" she whispered carefully Frida's eyes flashed fire "I'm no good Anna, a terrible mother. I have two and..." she trailed off uncharacteristically lost for words "and nothing " Anna hissed determinedly "you're with the right man now and it's as simple as that. Your kids adore you and you're a wonderful mum, Benny's kids adore you. You've given them a stability they've never had" Frida gathered herself "Anna I'm a 33 year old workaholic, even if I did want kids Benny wouldn't want any more, I'm talking about you. It won't be long until you have another one"
Much to Frida's consternation tears welled in Anna's blue eyes that were swiftly blinked away "Bjorn says no" she whispered "I always wanted at least 4, he doesn't want any more and I'll never force him, he's the only one that I want children with. I want my children to be loved and wanted, he had enough trouble loving Christian but he loves him now" Frida wondered who she was trying to convince for it sounded very much like she was defending Bjorn as she always had and indeed always would. They were interrupted long before Frida was anywhere near done and both Benny and Bjorn were stopped in their tracks by the fiery glare that Frida unknowingly sent their way "Now what?" Bjorn muttered "I suppose she was moaning again" Benny took a breath to remonstrate with him but was beaten to it by "shame for you the headphones are on Bjorn" Frida snapped "she was defending your sorry arse like she always bloody does. Let's just sing" and she turned her back on a chastened Bjorn "nice one Bjorn" Benny sighed after he turned off the audio "you're an absolute arsehole at the moment. I shall be bloody glad when this album is all over, I wish we could scrap the whole bloody thing"
Bjorn was shocked that Benny would even think that let alone say it "you can't mean that Benny" his shock could clearly be heard "right now Bjorn I mean it" Benny looked grim "it feels like this damn record is cursed. It isn't worth the damage it's causing" The silence that enveloped the room after Benny's uncharacteristic outburst was the kind that sucked the life out of the atmosphere and not for the first time Bjorn was left feeling uncomfortable in his own skin, like he didn't know his own self . Perhaps wisely not another word was said that day other than song discussions and Bjorn was able to forget his discomfort with the minimum of effort, far less effort really than it should have taken as he lost himself in his world of music and he was able to put his earlier unease out of his mind.
The silence continued once they were home, hidden behind the children but there nevertheless and it took Anna to break it, determined as she was to make everything right again "I thought today went well" she ventured quietly once the children were settled in bed "I enjoyed being back in the hot seat, it felt good" she thought for one horrible endless minute that Bjorn wouldn't respond to her "it sounded different to what I had in my head" Bjorn answered eventually "but it did sound good" he allowed "your voice is lower, we might have to change a few things" "Pregnancy hormones change a voice, are you saying I sound bad? she questioned. Bjorn for once got some sense in his head "No Anna I'm not, it's just different we can work with it" he attempted to rescue the situation but the silence was telling and he knew he'd done damage when her quiet "I'm sorry, I wish you'd told me at the time. I'll do better tomorrow" reached his ears "I love you" she kissed the top of his head "don't work too late. Goodnight"
She took herself upstairs determined not to let him see her cry again because cry she would, she got herself in the shower both to give herself an excuse for going up so early and to hide the evidence of her tears, Bjorn had no patience with her tears anymore and she would give him no excuse to make things worse. In the safety of the shower her silent tears trickled their unstoppable way down her face as she realised this was worse than she'd ever thought, he didn't even care enough to tell her when she wasn't getting it right anymore, they'd always been fiery in the studio and he'd always been the one to push her to be her best and he'd yelled and pushed till they got there, it was what made them so good. She realised they now had a situation that had her full attention, for the first time she felt that her marriage was truly in jeopardy despite the fact that she still adored Bjorn with every fibre of her being and she had no idea what she would do about it.
Bjorn on the other hand had no inkling of what was going on above his head, he was caught up in the happenings of the day remembering seeking respite from the censure of Frida and Benny and the guilt he felt every time he looked at Anna by finding comfort in the kindness of Lena. She didn't glare at him, she listened to everything he had to say and agreed with it too. She didn't challenge him or frustrate him and he liked that. It was just easier with Lena, he could forget his responsibilities, she demanded nothing of him but his company, he'd taught her how to make better coffee, she still couldn't do it well but it was at least drinkable. He could discuss things with her that he knew he shouldn't but he needed someone that was on 'his' side, she was good for his ego he knew that much and he shoved to the back of his mind the knowledge of the damage it could do if their liaison was ever discovered. Nothing physical had yet happened, Bjorn had the sense to resist that but he was emotionally invested and lapping up the attention. With Lena he could be the man he thought he should be. The famous man who had the world at his feet, the man who could enjoy the trappings of fame with no responsibilities, no ties. With Lena he could have what he wanted, the man who had freedom.