My Gangster / TMNT 2012 Reader x Raph

CHAPTER 16: The Lovers

Y/N

Nightmares continue to haunt me every moment I dream. Not even sleep provides an escape from the traumas of my life. Often, I lay motionless and stare at the ceiling in Raph's room. Even when exhausted, I try to stay awake for as long as possible to avoid the inevitable nightmares that await. Not that being awake is any easier.

Flashbacks and panic attacks plague me in my waking moments. I never even knew what a panic attack was until I asked Donnie about my symptoms. I thought I was going crazy or dying, but he told me I was having a panic attack and it's common for people who've been through trauma like me. He gave me a cold orange to hold on to, I guess it's supposed to ground me. I'm also told to name things that relate to my five senses, like that I can touch my jacket, smell the orange, and see the tv. I've tried many tips he's given me, but these panic attacks continue to return.

The flashbacks are worse. Images replay in my head, sounds replay in my ears. My body enters fight or flight and I can feel the same intensity of fear that I felt enduring the abuse as I do when I get a flashback, although I am safe here. I am safe in the lair.

Raph runs his fingers through my hair, hushing me gently as I cry. I feel ridiculous crying like a baby when there's no real threat, just flashbacks and panic attacks. I'm pathetic, unable to calm myself.

He grabs me a tissue and lets me wipe my tears and blow my nose. He hugs me tight, holding me close. Hearing his heartbeat through his plastron calms me. I sniffle, feeling my own heartbeat begin to decline to a normal rate. Deep breath in, deep breath out. A wave of embarrassment washes over me. I cry over my nightmares like a silly baby. Raph tries to validate my feelings, telling me that I'm safe, strong, and brave and it's okay to feel my feelings.

Leaning in, he kisses me softly on the lips. I melt into the kiss, feeling my anxiety lower and a sense of peace relax my body and mind.

"Eww, what are you dudes doing?" Mikey asks, standing at the doorway of Raph's bedroom.

Raph jumps up, covering his mouth. "Shut up, Mikey!" Raph orders, in a whisper level voice, but the anger is still present.

Miikey's eyes widen. "Are you two like..." He trails off.

"I swear, if you tell the others, I'll beat the green off of you!" Raph threatens, closing the door so the three of us are alone and away from eavesdroppers.

Mikey looks at me, then Raph, then both of us. "Woah, does anybody else know?" Mikey asks.

"No, and we'd like to keep it that way." Raph replies.

"Actually," I say, "I told April while we had our girls day out." Raph turns to me, eyes widened in surprise. Mikey asks a million more questions, each too quickly asked after the last one to be answered. My brain jumbles trying to figure out how to respond and Raph groans.

"Mikey, just go to bed." He says.

Mikey frowns. "But dude, I had a nightmare where an evil pizza was chasing after me with a pizza cutter!" He says.

Raph glares at him. "I told you, you'd stop having pizza-related nightmares if you just stopped eating so much pizza before bed. Full stomachs cause nightmares, doofus." Raph says. I giggle at the absurdity of their conversation, appreciating the distraction from my own nightmares.

"You can always come to me about your pizza nightmares if you want, Mikey. I'll probably be up trying to avoid my own nightmares, anyway." I say. Mikey thanks me for "being such an awesome dudette and future sister-in-law" and returns to his room before Raph can yell at him for calling me his future sister-in-law.