After him

4

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Doctors

Since the weekend, I'm feeling sick. It's already Tuesday and I'm not in school. My grandparents took me to the doctor, and the doctor filled a paper for me to the hospital. So now, basically I'm in the hospital. They made me a room and I'm in this fucking room. —I hate it— I really hate the hospitals, because all my life.. I was here. The door to my room, opens and ma walks in.

"I know, you're mad at us at the moment" ma says, taking a seat next to my bed. "But we don't want you, more sick than you already are" she says and now I notice the tears on her cheeks. Slowly I sit myself up and stretch my arms out for her, to come to me. She stands up and sits on my bed. I wrap my arms around her and finally she breaks. Her sobs breaking my heart, piece by piece. I just wished, that I never made them cry.

I hate being sick, I hate that really. But I accepted it, long ago. I hate to be sick and to be the reason why my grandparents cry. "I'm sorry" I whisper, holding my tears back. "No" my grandma pulls away from me and looks mad at me. "Don't you dare, to try apologize!" She says pointing her finger at me. "Of course I will cry, in the end you are my granddaughter. My baby, after my son died" she says, stroking my head/hair. I lower my face and look at my hands. I'm fidgeting with them at my lap.

"I just want to be..normal" I whisper, causing my Ma to gasp loudly. "You are Normal" she says and I can see the sad smile on her face. She stands up, kisses my head and leaves my room. And I let my tears out. I pull my knees to my stomach and wrap my arms around them. I hate to be the fragile girl, to be sick and all that stuff. "Why am I not, normal" I sob and try to be quiet. My phone sits next to me, I can hear it chimes. But I don't have the courage to grab it and answer it.

It's already dark outside, I look at the time it's 8p.m. And I'm still waiting for my doctor, to come in. I stand up from my bed, walk to the bathroom and look to the mirror. I face the sick girl, the girl who's gotten sicker. "Sunny" I hear the voice of my doctor, Dr.Yang. I walk out of the bathroom and see him already looking at me. "Hey fighter" he says, as I take my seat on my bed. Dr.Yang, knows me since I was born. He lives here, it was far away for us but he always came to us, for me.

"I need to talk to you.." his voice serious and his eyes, not showing any emotion. I nod, letting him know that he can continue. "I was hoping, it would never be that way..but it is" he sighs as he also takes a seat on the chair in front of me. "You've gotten sicker, Sunny" my heart, is already broken. But these words, they shatter it down. "Your heart, is sicker. I know, you feel it too. That's also the causes of your panic attacks, lately.." he says, taking a look in his folder.

"Am I going to die?" My voice shaking, causing him to look up and breaking his work mask. "I..I don't know..Sunny" he says, moving closer to me with the chair. "Yes or no" I say, looking at my hands that are in fists. "Yes" his answer Echos in my ears and my vision becomes blurry. My breathing getting caught in my lungs. "Sunny, calm down" he says, standing up and putting his hands on my shoulders. "Sunny" I can clearly hear him, but my mind doesn't want to hear him.

It's like, he is there but at the same time not. My heart, I can hear it beat in my ears. I feel Dr.Yang, laying me down. As I try to breathe in and out. I feel myself relaxing already, Calming down. As I see my vision better and my breath is okay, I look at the ceiling and say; "Can you please, leave me alone" with that he says 'Ok' and walks out of my room.
How am I, going to tell Aiden? We had dreams together, we had dreams to go to the same college. To buy a big house and to be best friends forever.

To watch the other of us, marry the love of their life's. To watch over the kids, from the other of us. How? And then, it hit me. How am I going to tell, the other people. The people I met... I can't, I can't die. I don't want to die. I want to be a Mom, I want to have children. I want to experience, love. I want to built a family. I can't leave my dreams. I can't leave everything behind. No! I started to cry again. Rolling under the blanket and letting my tears go. How do I say goodbye, to the people I had on my side all my life?

I don't wanna say goodbye, I don't wanna leave everyone behind. I can't. I'm to young, to die. Yet. I just wished, I had someone else's life. But then again, I wish no one this life. But..I don't want this life. How am I going to, let anyone know? I don't want to. I..I want to life. I want to be a healthy girl. But how do I? I hope Dr.Yang doesn't told this to my grandparents, yet. I know they need to know it too, but not now. Not tomorrow. I just need time, time to accept it.

If..if I just had another chance.
Maybe there is a another chance? Maybe. I need to ask, Dr.Yang tomorrow. "Everything will be okay, Sunny Harrison" I whisper to myself and feel myself already tired. I hope, I will wake up tomorrow. Good night, Sunny.. maybe it will be your last night and last sleep for ever..

{***}

Herr we go again, the chapter ended.
I'm not breaking hearts..yet. 🤓
But I will definitely cry with you all, if she dies..😔

The song is not needed, I was just hearing it while I wrote this chapter. It made me Emotional.. 🤍