𝐁𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐃 {𝐒𝐢𝐦𝐨𝐧 '𝐆𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐭' 𝐑𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐲}

19 | family

It seemed as if everything kept going around me and I was just stuck in a constant loop of self-pity. My brain was on autopilot and before I knew it, we were already in Russia.

I felt numb to pain, and anything that required me to use any type of emotion, I failed at. I was so out of it, that I was desensitized to my teammate getting shot.

When I saw Gaz laying on the ground surrounded by 141, I stood there staring, doing nothing.

After falling out of multiple helicopters and being shot at in the water, this might be Gaz's last fight.

War was scary, is scary. There isn't a world without war whether that be a sibling war for who gets the last slice of pizza or a world war that changes the trajectory of the future.

War isn't something that goes unseen, but it's also something that not a lot of people acknowledge. It flies past our eyes until we actually open them and see what's happening.

We're blinded by what's going on in our own lives that we never see what's happening to make our lives the lives we have them as.

"Cuda! Get the medical pack!" Price yells, his voice strained.

I finally blink out of whatever trance I was in, coming back into reality so fast I didn't know what hit me.

It hit me that my friend was bleeding out on the floor and I was doing nothing to help him.

"Okay! I'm going!" I say, scrambling as I step over to Price. I kneel down, grabbing the zipper to his backpack. I try to open it quickly, but it gets stuck on the fabric. I tug and tug at the zipper, but it just makes it worse.

Now, I was crying. Again, "It– it won't open," I sobbed, frustrated. I tried one more time before screaming at the top of my lungs then falling back onto the ground.

I cover my face with my hands before Ghost's knee pushes me aside and König comes up behind me, pulling me away from the backpack.

I twist my body, jumping into König. I bury my face in his chest as he wraps his arms around me. He falls onto the ground, allowing me to melt into him. The voices behind me were muffled, panicked.

Not a day went by where we didn't experience some type of loss. I didn't know if Gaz was going to survive, but selfishly, I didn't have the strength to get up and help.

König kept me in his arms while behind me, Price was trying to stop the blood pouring out from Gaz's body. We were in the middle of battle, but nothing was more important than saving the life of one of our friends.

I could hear the explosions of bombs outside the building we were settled in, yells and screams from men that were fighting with us. Their sacrifices helped us protect our dearest friend.

Not once did I think I would be crying over the same people that captured us and forced us to join their team. They were cruel in their methods, but somehow, I found the light in all of it.

They weren't just my teammates in battle, they weren't my friends either, they were my family.

I push off König, wiping my tears before I spin on my knees to face Price and Gaz. Ghost was on the other side of them, holding his hand over the wound.

"Let me help," I croaked, "I need to help him."

Price sits back on his heels, his hands covered in blood, "You can't. It's too late."

My lips part to say something, but my tongue was stuck in place.

Price snakes a hand under Gaz's shoulder, pulling his body into his lap before he folds his body over him. He hugs the body of his closest friend, his chosen family.

This was the first time I'd ever seen Price cry.

It was a quiet sob, a sob that he wanted nobody but Gaz to hear. It was a cry not from a boy, but a man who has bottled up these emotions for far too long.

I felt useless. I could've helped, but I was selfish. Too god damn selfish.

"Blake," König says from behind me, placing a hand on my shoulder to tug me back. I resisted, continuing to stare at Price as he held Gaz in his arms.

"We have to go," Ghost says, his voice deeper and more serious than normal.

"Leave me here," Price says, picking his head up to look at Ghost, "I need a few more minutes."

Ghost looks over to Soap who nods, "Okay. but no more than five minutes."

Price nods, then turns his head to look back at Gaz.

König comes up from behind me, shaking his hands under my arms before he picks me up so I was standing on my feet, "Let's go."

I couldn't help but keep my eyes on them, even if König was dragging me out of the door.

—
One year later
—

"And... how does that make you feel?"

I swallow my handful of peanuts before talking, "Well sad of course, but it's over now. I've quit that life."

She nods, writing something down in her notebook, "Why did you join the army?"

"It wasn't the army. It was a private corporation, wasn't some damn army."

"Gotcha. What happened when you were in this... private corporation?"

I hum, "I don't know. Guns, explosions, death," I say before laughing at my own joke.

"Right," She mumbles. She writes one more thing down in her notebook before closing the book then placing it on the coffee table in front of her, "You know you're allowed to open up here right? I can tell you're tense."

I shake my head, "I'm not tense, I'm just... what's the word... numb? I guess."

"Numb. Good, okay. What makes you feel numb?"

I drag my teeth across my bottom lip, bringing it into my mouth before I look out the window, "I guess I've just lost so much that I don't have anything to really have emotions for anymore. Nothing excites me, nothing saddens me. I do get mad though."

She nods slowly, "If you don't mind telling me, is there anyone or anything in particular that you've lost that makes you feel numb like this."

"Well, I lost my friend Chimbo in battle, um... I've lost my friend Gaz, I got a child taken away from me... and... I've lost my love, Simon."

"And that's why you're here correct? Because you've lost Simon."

"Yes ma'am."