Daytona Baby [N.H]

55

Niall Horan

"So that's what I've been up to," Liv finishes with a sigh. I couldn't tell if she felt better or worse, though I knew I felt the latter. Maybe it was naïve of me but I told myself everyday we were apart that she was happier without me; now knowing I was wrong makes it feel like all the suffering I endured without her was a waste. 

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I let my head fall so I could look at her. The city lights cast shadows across her face and I took the moment to drink in her features. I could never forget her but the months apart made the internal picture I had of her blurry. She must have sensed my gaze as she turned to meet my eye, her lips turning upwards slightly.

My eyes felt heavy and were loaded with tears threatening to spill out. I've never cried this much in my life. I don't know what it is about her but she pulls out this emotional side of me I never knew existed. I don't think I hate it, either. Makes me feel normal, if only for a moment.

"It's okay, baby," she mumbles softly, swiping her thumb under my eye to catch the tears pooling over.

"It's not, Liv." It comes out as a heavy breath.

She laughs quietly, clearly trying to lighten the heavy mood that's been hanging over our heads since we reunited.  "Okay, maybe it's not completely okay but I get why you did it. For the most part, anyways. And you're here now."

It felt nice to have her say that. The past few days I could see her battling herself with how to act around me. We've had countless conversations about everything and I've answered all the questions she's thrown at me. She might say she forgives me but I know a part of her resents me for what I've done and I don't blame her one bit. Today was the first day she let her guard down more. However, I don't think it was by choice; it's exhausting having to push something away when you want nothing more than to keep it close forever. I know that feeling all too well.

"Thank you, sunshine." I lean forward to kiss her cheek and just as I get to her lips she pulls away slightly to ask, "for what?"

"For laying with me right now. For letting me hug and kiss you. For letting me talk to you. I don't deserve it, I really don't." She's got me at her complete mercy.

She stares straight into my eyes for a long time before ever so quietly, as if she's embarrassed to even ask, murmurs, "you really do love me, don't you?"

My eyebrows instinctively furrow and the words immediately fall from my lips. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I love you more than anything." She smiles and I continue. "Does it not seem like it, now?" I know my past actions don't exactly paint the best picture for her. It's easy for me to see the dramatic change in my own words and actions because Liv never knew any different. I mean, a year ago I would've suckerpunched myself for ever calling a girl 'sunshine' and now it's my favorite word.

"I see it, especially the last couple of days. It's just hard I guess, because when we were on tour sometimes... you know..."

She didn't need to say it for me to know she was talking about all the times I was a complete ass in an attempt to convince myself that I didn't care. "Why did you stay? Why didn't you leave me?"

"Losing you wasn't an option for me." Liv stated confidently. "I've never felt this way about somebody... I don't even know, I was just addicted. I used to tell myself that if you left me and didn't come back the next day, then at least I had you that night, you know? I loved the way you hurt me, as pitiful as that sounds. I really thought it was worth it. Hopefully I was right."

I had no words so I settled for caressing her hair. I couldn't even begin to process that someone could feel that deeply for me, let alone the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on.