To be Frantastic

Session #5 Trust

-"Ok, Connor, once again with me, ok?"—said Dr. Kellerman—"First, a deep breath in..."

I inhaled deeply, with my eyes closed and my head laying back on the headrest of Dr. Kellerman's patient chair.

-"Don't hold your breath for long, don't force too much air in... just enough to feel fresh, and then, exhale... from your nose, remember, never from your mouth..."

I obeyed and released the air through my nose. It felt relaxing, I'll give you that. But how is this supposed to help me?

-"I know that breathing exercises aren't your idea of useful tips against panic attacks, Connor"—she said—", but believe it or not every little bit helps. And when I'm not there to help you, you'll need to learn how to dominate these events by yourself."

-"Thank you for teaching me this, doctor... I really appreciate it."

We were both sitting down on the floor of her office with our legs crossed, as if in meditation stance. The one thing that wasn't quite meditative like was that my head was resting on the chair's headrest, because Dr. Kellerman thought it would be best to try to keep me as comfortable as possible. This is the last session I'm having this month, because I'll be leaving for the tour... tomorrow.

-"Don't hesitate to call me on the phone whenever you need help, or even just to talk."—Dr. Kellerman told me—"Panic attacks are no joke, even for people who do not suffer from anxiety. It is crucial you keep me updated if anything were to come down."

We stood up from the floor and took our usual places again.

-"Thank you, doctor... I feel like... like..."

I was going to say something, but I'm not sure if it's a good thing or if I'm crossing some sort of line...

-"What is it, Connor?"—she said—"Remember this is a place where you can say whatever comes to your mind. It's my job to listen."

-"... It's just that it's very easy to trust you, doctor."

At my statement, she grabbed her glasses and put them on, right before grabbing her notes and started writing down some things again. Great, now she's found something else wrong with me.

-"I thought that you no longer felt difficulty in trusting people..."—she told me—"Have you already told your friends that you're gay?"

-"Well... not, not quite..."

-"Connor..."

-"Ok! I haven't! But it's not an easy thing to bring up! It was tough work alone telling Zoe, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to tell anyone yet! It's a pretty huge deal, I mean I've known for a while now probably but it still implies a life change! And I'm about to leave for tour for God's sake! I can't drop the O2L guys a bomb such as that! It's almost as bad as it is, imagine if I told them that or that I have depression! They wouldn't take—-"

-"Did you just say you haven't told them you have depression?"

Well great job me.

-"Connor, you lied to me."

-"... I'm sorry... I just haven't... I don't want to... I don't know... I'm scared because... because..."

-"Because you don't know if you can trust them with how you feel?"

That made me feel angry, because I would never think that I can't trust my friends. Trust is the main quality I search for in my friends in the first place. And despite that... I think she's right.

-"It's not that I don't trust them... I just..."

I made a brief pause. Dr. Kellerman seemed expectant to whatever I had to say. I had to choose my words wisely... to somehow say the truth now that it's out, without making me appear like the coward I am.

-"... I think I have forgotten how to trust entirely. Because if I let them know... I might get them hurt..."

Dr. Kellerman wrote one more thing down and then put away her notes. She crossed her fingers and gave me a firm, but comprehensive look.

-"This is a problem. Not trusting your friends, for whatever the reason, will cause you to build up stress that is not necessary in your life. This is something I can't help you with..."

I felt terrible, because well, it's a wicked thing to think about your friends. That you can't trust them with something as big as this, because if you can't trust them, then who can you trust on? Dr. Kellerman seemed to have this same thought, because she added.

-"Give yourself time, Connor. I am sure that you know, inside your head, which friends are your real friends. The ones you can trust. If you can trust me because I have a medical diploma, then you can trust your friends because they are precious to you, and you are to them, and you know that. It's not something you've made up in your head. Those people, for the next month or so, are going to be around there all the time. And in the bad moments, they're everything you have. Keep that in mind, when you're having another attack, and the only ones you can trust your life on, is them."