To be Frantastic

Session #6: Forgiveness

-"Connor... you have been staring at the ceiling for the past five minutes. What's wrong?"

Dr. Kellerman's words pretty much echoed in my mind, ringing in corner I wasn't quite aware of.

How long have I been here, in her office? How long have I been listening absent mindedly like she says? Do I even care anymore?

-"You know, I'm not meaning to give you any pressure or anything..."—she said—"But at this point I was expecting you to be more..."

-"... Happy?"

-"Yes."

Dr. Kellerman stood up from her usual seat, grabbed a chair and sat down beside me, no papers in hand. She took off her glasses and looked at me with sympathy, with those inviting eyes that lure me to trust her every time I feel like I need someone. She knows my mind better than myself, and she has that magic touch with words that can drive me back to reality.

-"You know, since you already told your friends and your family about your sexuality and your condition, I figured that you would feel like there is a huge weight off your chest."—she said tenderly—"Unless of course, they might have not reacted well...?"

-"Oh, no! My parents and my siblings were more than accepting and supportive! In fact they made me feel bad for not telling them sooner... I am really lucky to have them as my family..."

And I meant what I said, they really have been nothing but the best. But they weight on my chest is still there, and I can't really put my finger on why.

-"... I guess I'm just so scared."—I said out of the blue—"I'm just so scared to disappoint everyone once I tell them the truth..."

Dr. Kellerman got a bit closer with a more serious expression.

-"Why disappoint?"

-"Oh, you know, leaving O2L and all... I guess I can't imagine how I would manage if my viewers hate me... I can't imagine how I would manage, now that Troye no longer talks with me, how it would be to lose them, too..."

Dr. Kellerman nodded, and then clapped her fingers, like when she does when she has understood something I haven't yet.

-"Connor, have you told Troye you are sorry for what happened?"

-"I... well, yes, on the phone..."

-"And in person?"

-"What's the point? I don't think he'll forgive me..."

-"I'm sure he already has."—she said, standing up and walking towards the window while looking at the sunny day—"You, however, haven't."

-"Me? Why should I have to forgive him? He hasn't done anything wrong, I'm the one that's been an ass."

-"No, Connor, he hasn't done anything wrong. But you need to forgive yourself, before being able to accept him forgiving you."

I chuckled a bit, because it didn't make any sense to me, what she was saying. However I knew already from personal experience and trial and error that she was a hundred percent right, and that I would find out eventually.

-"So you're saying I'm angry at myself?"

-"Yes."

Dr. Kellerman turned around and placed both her hands on her desk.

-"We have come a long way here since you first arrived. You've come a long, long way. But being human, you've made mistakes. However at this point of the road it's ok to admit that you've made mistakes, and that you have gotten past them. However you can't go any further if you don't tell yourself that it was ok to make those mistakes. You have to understand... that now the worst part is over. And from this point on, you will rise, and you will get back to those who love you, and I'm sure that Troye will be there, as soon as you are ready to open up. But that, like always, is up to you."