To be Frantastic

Chapter 23: Take me to church

Today's screams... people are happy because of us. Because of O2L. I wonder, how it would be. What would come of us... of them, if we were to... fall apart.

What would be of them if I were gone? Maybe much, maybe less? I can only pretend I don't care. But in reality, it's driving me insane.

Ricky fears that at this rate, O2L will break up before the end of the tour.

Shelby's words plague my mind, drive me insane. She remains a close friend to me and to everyone else, and she does her best to get involved just enough to help us out. But she can only do so much, and there is so much damage between these four walls...

When I walk across the hallway back to the hotel from the venue, all I hear is people screaming. Connor, Connor, they say. Come look ever here, come look over there.  Be my six out of six. Complete my second life. I can't wait for your video on Monday, I can't wait for either of those videos. I watch O2L because of you. I watch you because of O2L, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I keep forgetting what it is like, to be at the other end of the lens. I sometimes have memories, of back when I was still young in Minnesota. I remember being so lonely back then, I had very few friends. To me it didn't really meant that much, but to today's me, that makes a whole deal of sense. I was afraid of a lot of things, and I wasn't doing well in more ways than one. Dr. Kellerman said that this... what I have, it's been going on for longer than what I think. She says that I might have been depressed for years, and I hadn't noticed until now.

And to be quite honest, the only reason I noticed was because the guys at the house started to notice changes in my behavior. Something as silly as a blackout, or skipping dinner, oversleeping, snapping at the slightest of details... not noticing the pain from a leg wound. Many moments from my life come back to me now, from when I was younger... bruises I hadn't noticed were there. Pounds I didn't remember losing. Days over days in which I didn't sleep at all, and all I did was blame the coffee, and then entire weekends in which I wouldn't leave the house because I was so, so tired.

I have been this way probably since forever. And not once could I realize it on my own.

-"Connor... please, tell me... tell me you are alright."

My little illusion broke, and I was once again inside my hotel room in New York City. I was sitting alone on the floor of my hotel room, all lights out wearing only my pajamas, on Skype with Troye, my best friend in the entire world, who is still here for me even when he's not even in the same continent as I. Digifest New York. One of the four most eventful YouTube conventions of the year, with Playlist Live Orlando, Vidcon and DigiFest UK. This year, Digifest NYC coincided just right with the O2L tour, in the middle of our month of travelling. Tonight we are staying here, and tomorrow early in the morning we're off to Hartford. But for tonight, I am allowed a good night's sleep. Even if I can't have it.

-"Connor... talk to me... talk to me about the show... tell me how things went, please... you look so... so sad..."

I looked back at Troye from the other end of the world. He looked at me with caring eyes, and I must have looked horrible, because he was worried sick. I don't know what to say or what to feel. I don't know how to make him stop feeling this way. I don't think I know anything at all.

-"Yesterday you looked so good, you looked like you were doing well..."—he said—"What happened at New York? Why are you so down?"

I tapped my fingers and closed my eyes. I have no idea of how I look at the moment, because I have avoided by all means looking in the mirror. Sometimes I need a break from myself.

-"I don't know what is wrong with me, Troye boy..."—I said—"Ever since Birmingham, what Shelby told me has been on my mind, and it's..."

I gave a couple of gentle knocks to my head, so that he could get the picture.