horology | the darkling

wish it was you

i almost do - taylor swift

in my dreams you're touching my face
and asking me if i wanna try again with you
and i almost do

/

'i have so much of you in my heart' - john keats

-

seraphina

Seraphina thought she heard the door opened but she wasn't sure who it was until she saw the light. Michail had suppress the brightness so much that if Seraphina had slept with her back to the door, she wouldn't have noticed. But she was a light sleeper, especially prone to light. It was the years and years of sneaking out to her father's studies. Seraphina used to lie facing the window so her parents would think she was asleep; she was usually anything but, anticipating when she could sneak down stairs. Whenever the clock struck midnight, a streetlight would switch on in the streets; it was her sign.

But now, the light was an omen, an unwelcome one at that. He was so quiet that she questioned whether she was awake; but she knew that he was there. The blood in her veins boiled; she could smell him. He smelt of smoke and light magic. Safe. He smelt safe, like someone she could be happy with. But she was too enthralled with the idea of danger, too happy to wallow in sadness and self-hatred. He didn't deserve that.

But Seraphina knew that he wasn't here to apologise, he wasn't here to talk about stars or tell her story about his father. She wished he was. But she could sense the elevated heartbeat, the magic whirling around in his hands. News gets around fast in this place; Seraphina expected than in a matter of days, Genya or Konstantin would have told him about her. She couldn't picture that day very clearly; it was like she was looking through a screen. As if she was looking at herself from someone's perspective. Red eyes, white skin and black black veins. She shook herself out of the thoughts. She could hear Michail slowly creeping up to her, footsteps muted on the floor. He was moving fast, faster than she had expected. She wondered how it would look from the outside; a girl laying wide awake in bed, silently waiting for death. To be killed by someone you trust is the worst way to go but for some reason, Seraphina also anticipated it. It was like this was supposed to be the end for her. Maybe this was her fate for all the crimes she had committed. For being born as a pawn, as causing hurt to others and for the death of her father. For not being there to prevent it, for not visiting her mother afterwards. She wondered how her mother was; Dominica had written to her many times but Seraphina had never answered. Seraphina felt the mattress on the bed shift; had Michail gotten on the bed? She had assumed Michail would try to kill her with his powers; just a snap of his wrist and her heart would explode inside her chest.

Seraphina was feeling brave, or perhaps it was stupidity but she tilted her head back a little, trying to identify him in the dark. A reflection caught her eye, it wasn't her mirror. Knife? Yes, she could see the reflection now, its outline glistened at some hidden light. Seraphina smiled morbidly, did he want to see the life drain from her eyes? Sounds like some thing he would do. The sheet rustled; he had shifted his whole body onto the bed now. She wondered if he was going to turn her over, put his hand over her mouth and just stab. Seraphina closed her eyes. She could feel his knees near her back. He must know she was awake. Maybe he didn't care. She waited for the feel of the metal. Seraphina had pictured dying so many times it felt like a dream. She waited. But instead of a shoot of pain and then nothing at all, she felt Michail move. He lay down. Seraphina's breath hitched. His back was to her, she could feel his heat on her back.

She found herself wondering where the knife was. She thought of grabbing it and using it against him. Everything in her body was urging to find the knife, voices in her head whispering. They urged her to find it. Self defence they said He's here to kill you. She fought against them in her head but even she knew that they couldn't be kept at bay. The monsters in her head were stronger than her because she believed that they were. Because everything time she fucked up, they were there, telling her that she didn't deserve love or happiness. They could upset her, they could break her all she wanted but Seraphina wouldn't let them hurt Michail.

The voices started yelling now. Urgent. Muted but still there. She could hear them in the room. The corners of the room where shaking. Her eyes were blurring. Her world seemed to shake. She willed the voices to go, squeezing her eyes tight. Without knowing, she raised a hand to her face, trying to drown out the shouting. But instead, she felt like she was suffocating, ironically drowning her own shadows.

'Seraphina?'

She didn't know how much she was shaking until he called her name. His voice felt like a lifeline, thrown to her out at sea. She opened her mouth but no sound. His voice was soft.

'Seraphina'

He turned. If he wanted to kill her, she willed that he do it now. She was tired. She wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. Where was the knife? She looked around wildly, untied hair crowning her face. It must have been near. It wasn't in his hand though. She flinched when he laid a hand on her arm. She didn't realise how cold she had become. The thick blanket insulating her couldn't shield her from the cold.

'Seraphina'

He sounded concerned now, or was she just kidding herself? The voices were still there, shouting. She put both hands on her face. She flinched again as he pulled her towards him. She wanted to curl up and die.

'Seraphina'

Her back was still to him. The corners scared her.

'Seraphina'

He was whispering now. In her ear. Safe. He smelt safe. She was so cold. He wrapped the blanket around them. His lay his over her waist. She could feel the knife at her feet, sharp edge facing her body. He didn't have it, it wasn't in his hand. She found the courage to opened her eyes.

He was so warm. His kefta dug into the back of her thick night gown. Even though the thick fabric, she could feel his arm around her. The corners of the room started to stop shaking.

'Seraphina'

He sounded kind. Like he would see her for who she was. The voices in her mind wavered. He gently ran his hand up and down her waist; it felt genuine. Her breathing eased.

For a minute, she just lay there, breathing. It was felt strange to relax, to finally be able to let her muscles stop tensing. She listened to him breathe.

'Michail?'

Slowly, she turned to face him. His hand didn't leave her waist. He was laying on his arm, looking at her. Like he recognised her from somewhere. He looked so young but so damaged; bags under his eyes showing signs of drinking. She wondered if she had driven him to this. Something else that she would pay for later on. His eyes were beautiful.

'Yeah?'

'Why didn't you do it?'

He tensed but didn't let go. She blinked. His face had gone melancholy. Michail knew what she was talking about. There was no doubt about it. The knife at her feet was cold. She wanted to hear the words. But she knew she could never say it back.

'I... I don't know. Why didn't you?'

Seraphina didn't know either. She could have. So easily. She could have just let the voices win. To let them take control like the did with the Lantsov king. But she didn't.

'I don't know either'

Michail sighed and pulled her closer. Seraphina kicked the knife off the bed. It landed with a soft plink.

'Well, I guess, no matter how shitty we act, we're both good'

She tried to accept his words. But there was a nagging sensation that he was never wrong. That one day, all the goodness inside of her will just leak on. And the only thing left would be her monsters. But she said nothing because for the first time is a long long time, every since she had moved to the Little Palace, she had never felt at peace. But there was something about Michail. Michail acted like he had been through this all before. Michail knew how to love and he knew what loss felt like. A feeling inside Seraphina's guts told her that Michail understood.

Seraphina wished, with all her heart that Michail was right. And that one day, she could be good. 

'Seraphina?'

His eyes were staring into hers. She felt like she could lose herself in them.

'I'm getting married in a week and I want you to be the maid of honour'