horology | the darkling

monster

past life - selena gomez 
i'll never let you figure me out
sitting here, talking to myself
thinking how I used to use you
only thing I'm used to

/

'if I had one wish, you would stay forever' - perry poetry

-

irina 

It was a week until her wedding and for the first time, Irina wanted to run. She promised herself she never would; ever since she ran from her family, Irina swore she would never run away with her tail tucked between her legs. She had to be fearless in the face of danger, in the face of discomfort. After all, nothing could defeat the great Irina Andreyev. But marriage. Marriage felt alien, perhaps because she never thought she would foolishly bind her life to someone else's. They would just bore her, drag her down with their incompetence. But she hoped Michail was different; he had proven himself worthy. Irina had to admit that she had doubts about his ability to lead: he had let the Darkling, Seraphina and even Irina herself walk all over him. But something inside him had changed drastically; it was like a switch had flipped inside his mind. In his pretty little head. Irina preferred him now, obviously. She loved the ambition in his eyes and the better-than-thou attitude he held in his posture. She could see herself being comfortable with him. But there was something at the back of her mind that refused to acknowledge that he could ever truly love her. Not even love, just like her more than as a friend and a companion. She shook her head, dislodging the thoughts from her mind. That was the old Irina, the one that couldn't stand the bullying, the one who lay awake and cried until 4 in the morning. She had been reborn since then: the new Irina stood up to the harassment, she burned them all down. But she could feel the fear creeping into her mind, poisoning her thoughts. She wondered if she was good enough. No, I'm better. But Irina kept wondering, loading up her mind with all kinds of bullshit.

Then, she thought of Konstantin. And, oh my, did the thoughts in her head went wild.

She wanted to see him so badly. She never forgave herself for what she did to him but if she took back her words, she would wrong. Or worse, she would be seen as weak. And Irina would never let that happen, even if it meant destroying the only person she ever truly loved. She called it an act of self perseverance but she knew that he didn't deserve any of it. He had never done anything wrong except tried to save her. He should have known that the only person who could save her was herself.

But she missed him more that she could ever find the words to admit. She missed his laugh, his smile and how his pale eyes always seemed to capture the sunlight. She missed his dry sense of humour and his ability to listen without judgement. Irina missed the days they would spend by the lake, just talking about life, discussing the the birds or cramming for tests. Those were the good days. They could be good again, just go to him. Tell him everything you've just told yourself. Tell him that you're wrong, that you always have been and that you love him. And that you know he loves you too. She couldn't do that. Could she? Irina fiddled with the corners of her bedsheet and analysed her options.

Konstantin had always been there for her. He always understood. She had screamed and swore and told him to leave her the fuck alone but he never did. He stood there, muscles relaxed and face calm. He absorbed her criticism like a sponge and made sure that they were never reflected back onto her. Konstantin had always been a gentleman like that. He loved her. And as much as she wanted to deny, she loved him.

Her feet had swung down from the warmth of her bed faster than she could have resisted. Her toes softly padded onto the marble floor. The moon was calm outside, silvery blue light reflected on the mirror in her room like an eerie silhouette. Irina wasn't sure what she was doing but she knew that for the first time, she knew exactly what she wanted. She wanted Konstantin.

The door to Konstantin's room was rather difficult to find. The corridor was twisted and winding around white Greek columns, absorbing the sound of her rapid breath. His door was beckoning, so pristine. She leaned slowly on it, willing the door not to creak, not to give her away. She could feel her heartbeat in her ears, the blood rushing through her veins and her power humming through her body. The room was fully dark, except for the crack in the door. Konstantin's face was to the door; it was a miracle that he didn't wake up. Konstantin's face twisted; his nose twitched and eyelids flickered but his eyes didn't open. Irina close the door swiftly, soft bang as the wood clicked against the door frame.

He looked so peaceful she almost wished she didn't come. She wondered if he would be happier if she didn't exist. He seemed to be happy with Seraphina; Irina had seen the way the two got on. They were practically inseparable, smiles dotted his face whenever she was around. Irina remembered when she had been his sunlight. His eyelids flickered again.

Suddenly, a wave of sadness rose from the knot of her stomach to the crown of her head. It gripped her so suddenly that she didn't realise she was out of breath. Tears rose to her eyes so fast that it blurred her vision, distorting the reality in front of her. Irina clutched her mouth with both hands, terrified that Konstantin would wake up. If he saw her there, what would he have done? Would he have forgiven her? Scream at her to go away?

She had been horrible, a monster. Everything, everything she ever did to Konstantin crossed her mind, slowly, painfully and one by one. Ever lie she had told him, every single time she had made him feel like he wasn't enough. She was selfish; all Irina had done, all she ever did was protect herself. Even if it meant harming the person who care about her most. Konstantin. Her Konstantin, if she could even call him that anymore. Some part of her wanted to believe that he still loved her but after everything, she wasn't sure if she could even love herself. So, Irina just stood there, masked in the shadows in a room of a boy only she had the power to build but instead she chose to broke him. The stars took no pity on her; they knew that what started to unravel was only the consequence of her actions.

Irina, in a storm of swishing dark hair and navy nightdress, slipped out of the room. She felt warm liquid start to stream down her cheeks. The only person she had loved. The only person who truly understood her. It was a hurricane had started to ravage through her mind, through her memories. Irina closed her eyes and willed them to leave her alone. Her back slowly slid down the marble walls until she was a tangle of tears.

Footsteps. In the distance. Irina heard them; it was years of paranoid, years of waiting to see if she would be able to come out of her hiding spot under her bed. Irina had grown quite good. Immediately, her tears ceased. She could never cry, never in front of others. To the hoi polloi, she always had to be Irina the Fearless, Irina the Leader, Irina the Solider. But when she was alone, no matter what she told her reflection int he mirror, she was always Irina the Coward. Irina the Shameful.

Irina dipped behind a white column twice the size of her. She wondered who else would be awake this time of night. She recognised the sound of those shoes anywhere. It sounded like her fiancé. Cautiously, Irina peered around the curve of the smooth marble, to see Michail. He looked guilty but determined. That piqued her attention, she had seen Michail determined before but never like this. In the dim light, a reflection caught her eye; it was so subtle that she nearly missed it but her eyes were used to the dim light. She couldn't identify it thought. Her eyes were too hazed from the tears.

Michail crept up to a room and pushed on the door. It gave away easily, as if melting under his touch. Irina knew exactly whose room that was. She had eyed it once too many times, jealous of its proximity to Konstantin's room. She wondered if she had been the fool all along, to trust anything he had ever said to her. She should have known that he would succumb to his undeniable sentiment for her. She was stupid enough to let him convince her that she could be better that Seraphina. Everybody, even Konstantin would gladly take Seraphina.

There was nothing and nobody in the world who could ever want Irina. That night, she lay awake in her own bed, haunted by the thought that her soon-to-be husband was already cheating on her.