Twin Flames

Chapter Thirty One

Gasping for air, my chest heaved up and down. My mind riddled with unwanted thoughts and memories of the past. I couldn't help but hate myself for thinking about the past. Even though it had been years, that betrayal from those I loved most was something that I was still living in. My eyes kept flickering to the book and letter that was sprayed across my table. I knew I couldn't run from it forever but all I wanted to do was avoid it.

I picked up the letter and saw my sister's iconic handwriting. It was pretty and curly, everything about it screamed femineity. I remember begging her to teach me how to write like she did when we were in Primary school, only for her to laugh saying it was 'mission impossible'. She called my writing chicken scratch. I tore open the envelope and in it was pages. I hated feeling like I was at her mercy when she was alive and the fact that she was dead still causing the same feelings only made my hatred grow. It was then that my eyes flickered across the page.

My Louise,

I bet you don't remember me calling you that when we were kids? I can't remember the last time I even referred to you as mine. But whether we like it or not we were each others. You are my twin and you were always my sister, I just forgot it along the way.

The sins that I have done to you are unforgivable. I can't even count the bad ones on both my hands. I have done sinister and horrible things to you that I will regret until the day I die. I would never be able to admit these to you when you were alive because of my pride. At this point, I know I am dying and I know that I don't have a lot of time in this world it only seems right that I admit my sins to you, my better half as I don't believe in God. I don't even think I can write every sin I committed to you and others. There are not enough tree's in the rainforest for the wrongs that I committed. Me dying? Well Karma does eventually come and bite you in the ass.

The first thing I need to admit is that the problems in your relationship with our parents was my fault. They never hated you, they were annoyed and disappointed in you because I would always badmouth you in front of our parents. I would lie, I would say terrible things that you would do in school (half the time it was me who did those horrible things), I would always tell mum and dad that I was looking out for you and that I will keep you on the straight and narrow. It only added to the halo our parents had given me. They didn't like you because they didn't know you. They didn't take the time to know you because I was the one that told them that you liked your space. They were scared you would act out in school. Even when I was at University, mum ignored you because she knew about my relationship with Jordan and I was scared you would react badly. Mum wanted to shout at you for being selfish but I held her back because it would ruin my plan.

My second biggest sin was taking away the man that you loved? Would you believe me if I said I loved him too? He was smart, handsome, confident... You know all this anyway. When he chose you over me, I was heartbroken. No one had ever chosen you over me. It killed me and it knocked my ego down. I couldn't stand by and watch. So from the time you were together I was waiting for the moment to snatch back what you had snatched from me.

How my mind worked at that young age at such a sinister level is beyond me. I don't know where I get it from, although I'm pretty sure you would say mum, but she isn't as bad as you think. From a young age, I would look at you and it was like looking into a mirror. Except the mirror you held, showed me all my insecurities, the things that I didn't have that were embedded into you. Instead of it making me a better person, it tore me a part, made me bitter, made me jealous. I didn't love myself as I loved the thought of being you.

You were kind, you were always willing to help anyone and everyone. You did charity events, you volunteered, you were involved in the community. You didn't do it for any other reason other than being a good person. So when our parents were told about their golden child, I took the credit and stole their affection. I was never the type to do good things quietly, I wanted the attention, the affection. I was selfish and didn't want to share.

You were patient. You never raised your voice at our parents, when they nagged (yes nagged), you didn't say anything, you brushed it off and took it in your stride. I couldn't believe it, if mum had spoken to me the way she did I would have blown a gasket. If Dad had ignored me the way he did you, I would have cried for his attention. I could list a thousand reasons why you were better than me but again, not enough paper in the world to list them.

The first person to see through my house of glass mirrors was Jordan. He wasn't fooled by what I portrayed. I tried to be like you, tried to get his attention. At school and especially at University, but he never looked my way. He never looked for another woman he was always yours. He will be forever yours. There is nothing he wouldn't do for you. When you left him and never spoke to him again. He changed.

Even though he was always cold and aloof towards me, it got worst. I thought without you in our lives things would have gotten better. He would eventually learn to love me and my baby. But he wouldn't and he didn't. He has never loved me and he will never love me. Any affection that he had for me was because you were my sister and when you disowned our family that small bit of affection disappeared. Again, my ego couldn't handle the rejection and so I clung as hard as I could and pushed through with our marriage.

Your last words haunted me. "I hope you get everything you deserve in this marriage because let's face it you deserve it." How true these words were? I got married and there was no love or affection, the wedding wasn't the grand event I imagined but it was a small court house wedding with immediate family. I was distraught and ended up in an early premature labour.

I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl but she was still born. Her little lungs could not take in the oxygen and she died before she entered the world. It was then that your words rung in my ear. If only that was the bad part. Jordan had my daughter tested for DNA samples and it was then that he found out that the child was not his but was a one-night stand after he had rejected me.

I admitted the truth that day, that we had never slept together, we had never had sex, that he was still only yours. I remember how bitter I was. The man I thought so hard to get, wouldn't even touch me. Not on our wedding night or throughout our marriage. The only kiss we shared was a peck above my upper lip because he could not even bare to touch me.

It was then that mother told me the news that you were pregnant with his child. I was angry at the world, angry at you, it was then that I started to hate Jordan. I begged mum for her to force you into an abortion. Why did you get to keep your baby when mine was dead. I threatened to kill myself if she didn't do it. It was then that we hatched the plan to tell you Jordan forced the abortion. We hoped that this would be the last cord cut between you.

And we were right.... But we were so wrong.

Mother started to feel guilty, she no longer looked at me the same way. I don't know what happened at the hospital that day but she refused to speak of it but her eyes were filled with tears whenever your name was mentioned. Jordan worked all the time, he hardly came home, he preferred to stay in his office. Then there was dad who never quite got over you leaving our lives.

Then there was me, the girl who had everything she thought she wanted. It was then that I was planning to divorce Jacob and start over in Europe. I didn't want to live like this anymore. However before I could speak these words out loud. I found out I had cancer. I truly got what I deserved.

Jordan stayed with me, not out of love or loyalty for our marriage, but for our parents who begged him not to leave when I was sick. It was then Jacob broke the glass ceiling of my life and told my parents what I had done to him and to me. Mum passed out. Mum and Dad have never been the same since. They treated me coldly, they were quiet and reserved. They cared for me like any parent would but at this point it was out of obligation.

I know I am dead now, but I don't want to haunt you like you haunted my life. I want you to be happy. I want you to be in love. I know you will be happy with Jacob, he deserves you and you deserve him. Don't let my selfishness spoil the rest of your life because you don't know how long you have.

I am truly sorry for everything I have ever done to you.

All my love and regret,

Katie.