Basorexia - J.MAGUIRE

[1.22] hospital

Ciara stood in her garden, arms crossed tightly over her chest as goosebumps brushed against the baggy fabric of her green jumper. It wasn't exactly cold but what she had just seen would leave her with goosebumps for a good few days. She stood completely mindless, not realising until it turned dark how long she had actually been standing outside for.

As she finally snapped out of the constant reliving of all the events (her Mammy coming home and screaming, the thudding on the stairs, the blaring sounds of the sirens of the ambulance driving away, the sight of Cal laying in the back and looking completely lifeless) she took a step forward. She walked slowly, almost without a purpose even though she distantly knew what her destination would be. She appeared at Chelle's front door without an idea as to how she had gotten there in the first place. But she could not knock, she could not bring herself to stop hugging her body so she could reach for the bell or even the white plastic that coated the door.

Luckily, as if fate itself was working behind the scenes of her life, Diedre happened to open the door as she headed out for her nightshift. "Chip?" she stammered, as was rather startled by the ghostly looking girl at her doorstep. The words sounded distant to Chip, blurry and did not even have a meaning.

"Is Michelle in?" she asked softly, her lips barely parting for words.

Diedre, her concern for Chip only growing with every passing second, turning and yelled into her house, "Michelle!"

They waited a few seconds for Michelle to appear but instead it was James, body immediately flooding with pure concern for Chip upon just glancing a glimpse of her face. He couldn't see into her eyes, as they were currently trained onto the shoes that most definitely weren't hers on her feet. They were far too large and a dull pink, completely clashing with any sort of clothing she would wear. "She went out," he cleared his throat, having not talked in a long while.

"Oh," Ciara muttered before simply turning and walking back up the road, leaving their gate open without even realising it. She did not turn back to her house, instead continued into town. James rushed to pull on his shoes, grabbed his coat and then pushed past his Aunt to run after her.

"Chip?" he called, not even having to run in order to catch up to her. She was moving uncharacteristically slow, as if her body just simply did not know how to function anymore. "Chip."

He received no response, even after waving in front of her face to try and get her to snap out of whatever trance she was in. "What's going on?" he asked quickly, concern biting at his every word. "Hey, stop for a second."

"I can't... I can't. I need Chelle, or Clare or..." she mumbled as she stepped out onto the road, not even checking her path. James acted quickly and grabbed her arm, pulling her out of the way of a car that was forced to swerve out of the way completely.

"Chip," he whispered, looking directly into her eyes as both hands lay on her shoulders. They were still in the road, just not in such a dangerous position now.

"...James."

Upon realising who was in front of her, Ciara's body just finally gave up. She simply fell into him and sobbed uncontrollably, causing a rather startled James to catch her and attempt to comfort in any way he could. He rubbed his hands up and down her back as she sobbed, simply allowing her to get everything out without even questioning what was going on or pressuring for information. She sobbed and sobbed, holding tightly onto his t-shirt as if it would keep him there - like he would even think of moving an inch in that moment.

After the sobbing had lulled just a little, to the point where Ciara could catch her breath and actually realised her surroundings instead of being completely numb to everything in existence, she gently pulled away from him and let go of his shirt. He instantly unwrapped his arms from around her back and averted his eyes as she wiped her face of any tears or trials of eyeliner traipsing down her cheeks. He did not say a word, only followed when she started to walk again.

Chip fumbled in the deeper pocket of her jeans and pulled out a pre rolled cigarette, putting it between her teeth as she went into her other pocket for the lighter. Her hands shook so much that she physically could not light the lighter. Before she could get too frustrated with it, James gently took the green tube from her hand and lit the end of the cigarette for her while it was still in between her teeth.

She took three long drags of the cigarette, figuring that she looked like an utter mess right now to anyone who happened to walk past. She didn't really care though, there were more important things. She could not describe how she felt about everything, about her brother and the fact that James was just wordlessly there for her without even needing an explanation. They walked for a few minutes until she stopped at a wall, sitting on a patch that was not moss covered. He followed suit and sat next to her, watching her pink shoes swinging in the wind.

"My brother's in the hospital," she sniffed, her voice heavy and thick with the tears of her breakdown earlier. "He um.. collapsed on the stairs. They think he's had a... an aneurysm or something," she whispered, immediately taking another inhale of nicotine to keep herself somewhat steady. "I don't think I'm ever going to see him again and it's all my fault."

James, whose eyes had been wide since she had started to talk, felt his gaze soften at her last confession. "Chip..." he whispered back, as she stubbed the end of the cigarette out on the wall. He, unable to voice how truly awful he felt for her in the moment, instead wrapped an arm around her back in a hug that had her resting her head against his shoulder.

"We had a massive argument, like huge. I don't think I've ever seen him so furious. I was so angry I didn't hear him pass out on the stairs and hit his head so hard that it cut his forehead open," she paused to clear her throat and eyes of the tears that had started to make themselves known. "I can't let what I said to him be the last thing, I can't..." she trailed off, thick tears falling from her eyes at such a rate she could feel her mind start to scream for any sort of liquid to replenish the stores.

"It's not your fault," James almost instantly countered as he rubbed her right arm with the arm he had wrapped across her back.

"Yes it is," she nodded as if to reiterate the fact to herself despite the multiple times her brain had already screamed it to her. "If I had heard and rang the ambulance earlier then he wouldn't have been there for so long until Mammy got home. He could die because of me..."

"It is not your fault," he repeated but this time was met with silence, Ciara was not in the mood for arguing. She appreciated what James was trying to do but really did not believe him, she could only see it all as her fault. So instead of pressing, he asked a different question so as to keep her out of her own thoughts as much as possible, "Did you want to go to the hospital?"

"No... No, I don't want to see him however he is," she responded quickly without so much as a second's hesitation, knowing that was the reason she had refused to go in the ambulance with him and her Mammy. She did not want to go to the hospital, see him in the hospital room, or have to wait for him to come out of surgery or whatever. And eventually have to leave without him. It was too familiar to her Dad and she wanted to avoid thinking about that by all means necessary. "I don't know what to do and I just really don't want to go back to my house right now."

"Well i'm sure Michelle's back-"

She shook her head, lifting it off his shoulder and therefore halting his speech. "No, I don't want her to know. You can't tell her, promise me J," she urged, eyes filled with such desperation that he had no choice but to agree.

"I won't," he responded quickly, releasing some of the immediate tension that had tightened up her shoulders. "I thought she was your best friend?"

"She is, I just don't really want to have this conversation again, plus she'd use drink as a solution and i'm not at that right now," she paused, actually thinking about her response for a second. "Maybe later though," she shrugged softly, scratching for another hit of nicotine.

"Is that a wise idea?"

"Aye, course it is James."