Basorexia - J.MAGUIRE

[1.24] loss

After Cal's funeral and wake, the girls had walked Ciara and her Mammy home. Ciara walked with her arm interwoven with Orla's, using her as a support to keep her upright despite the dizziness that had plagued her for days. Mammy went inside almost immediately when they got home, closing the door behind her for Chip's privacy. She simply did not know what to say to them all to express her thanks to all of them so she simply hugged everyone in turn. They all left and walked away after their hug goodbye and her whispered reassurances that she would be okay (Michelle slipped a lovely bag of something strong for Ciara to smoke later into her pocket during their hug.) James was the only person who remained, having purposely lingered behind as he knew the truth of all that was going on in her head and wanted to fully make sure she was okay.

She hugged him tighter than all the others, her chin nestled on his shoulders. "Thank you, J," she whispered so softly that the sound sent shivers down James' spine. "For everything. And I'll be okay, before you ask."

He smiled softly and nodded as they broke the hug, still standing as close as they had been before. For a moment, she was still. The thoughts were still, the debilitating grief for her brother was long gone. That was until the sun moved and a glare caught the mirror of Cal's car, ruining her eyeline and effectively breaking all focus she had. Ciara turnt then and opened the door, gently closing it behind her.

She stared at herself in the mirror for a moment. A loose black dress clung to her body in all the wrong places, gracefully covered up by one of Cal's suit jackets - the one that he had worn to their fathers funeral. She stared into her own eyes and struggled to see anything in them, they just looked blank and emotionless. Tears stained her pinkened cheeks, dark smudges of makeup surrounding the corners of her eyes but she made no effort to fix them. "Chip?" her Mammy called softly from the living room. Ciara forced herself away from the mirror and walked into the kitchen, then living room and simply just stood there.

"Aye Mammy?" she whispered, gently clearing her throat.

"Watch a movie with me?"

Chip, unable to deny her Mam such a simple thing after the day that they'd had, nodded and went to sit next to her. She paid no attention to the movie and barely even noticed when her Mammy took a pillow to her lap. When Chip was a child, she would lay her head on her Mam's lap while they watched whatever was on the tv and she would greatly enjoy the feeling of her hair being played with. Now that she was older, the feeling was comforting and reminded her greatly of her childhood - a thought that warmed her stomach but also caused great tears to cascade down her cheeks.

The two silently watched the credits of the movie neither of them had been watching roll up the screen, disappearing into darkness. "I've found you a new doctor," Mammy announced abruptly, voice echoing around the deathly silent house that still smelled of bleach from when Chip had cleaned up the blood on the staircase late at night - she just could not bear to see it anymore.

"What?" Ciara mumbled, abruptly sitting up and not even caring to fix her hair even though it now seemed to have a mind of its own.

"She's a specialist."

"Mammy I don't need or want to see a different doctor," Chip enthused, making direct eye contact with her Mam as she genuinely thought it could help to get her point across even further.

"He told me," she admitted gently, watching as Ciara's eyes flickered back and forth as she tried to get a grip on reality and the conversation. It always happened when she was rather overwhelmed and was usually fixed by a gentler tone or further explanation, however Mammy did not have the chance for either of those at that moment.

Her reply could not even be regarded as a mutter,  "What?"

Mammy took a deep breath, keeping her voice steady despite the emotion biting at her throat, "He had a moment of consciousness and told me. He wanted nothing more than to help you get better...I can't lose you too Chip."

Ciara scoffed, "So you're guilt tripping me? Thanks Mammy, I really appreciate it." She stood and stomped out of the room, heading directly for the hallway and her shoes.

"I'm not trying to guilt trip you," her Mammy responded as she appeared in the door frame that lead to the kitchen, completely ignorant to Ciara's battle with her boots.

"It seems like it," she scoffed once more, not knowing how else to quickly realise the irritation that was gnawing at her every thought. She shrugged on her jacket, hand instantly going to her left pocket to check if her lighter remained in its usual place.

"Where are you going?" she queried with the softest desperation hidden in her voice but Chip could pinpoint it exactly, the nostalgic tone sending her straight back to childhood. She suddenly felt small, insignificant in the grand scheme of worldly things.

She shrugged, "Out."

"To where?"

"Doesn't matter, you wouldn't listen if i told you anyway. You never do," she huffed, reaching for the door handle.

"I listen to you Chip."

She recoiled from the door and turned, face painting almost a masterpiece of opposing emotions. "Like you listened to me about the pills, about how I don't need help, about how I really really do not want to see a new doctor?"

"You need to go to this doctor Chip," Mammy beseeched, keeping her tone completely calm as to not flare up Ciara's misplaced fury even more. She knew the conversation would take such a turn, it was inevitable.

"I don't need to do anything Mammy," she scoffed and once again turnt for the door handle, her hair flying up at the back.

Mammy then called, "You need to eat." Ciara's entire body halted, unable to move, breathe or even blink. She shuddered involuntarily as she turnt back around, never once thinking her Mammy would say something that she knew would be so incredibly hurtful.

Ciara simply just looked at her mother, all fury and vexation wiped from her face. The emotionless state behind her eyes returned, only this time paired with such a raw and broken sadness that she felt tears prick the back of her eyes. "You think I don't know that? You think I don't spend every waking moment with that exact thought zooming around my mind making everything else seem like nothing? You think that I don't see someone eating without care and wish that it could be me, that I didn't have to suffer through all this? You think that I'm not sick of being told that I need to eat, that I'm stupid for not doing so? I'm sick of the scales that I can't escape, I'm sick of the numbers and the work outs and the need, the need to cut down on everything and count everything that goes into my body. I'm sick of the cigarettes and the drink and everything else I have to do to even be able to just about cope with my existence. I'm sick of the headaches, the nausea, the fact that my hair just falls out. I'm sick of not having my period and therefore not feeling like I'm actually real or like other teenagers. I'm sick of the shaking and the dizzy spells and the aches in my knees from running and stepping all the time. I'm sick of the constant lies and secrets. I'm sick of not feeling comfortable in my own body and physically crying at the sight of myself in that stupid hallway mirror that you just cannot avoid! And most of all i'm sick of not being able to escape this and feeling like it's going to be my life forever, i'm going to be seventy and counting fucking calories? What's the point?"

Stunned into silence from Chip's outburst could not describe her Mammy's reaction. She had completely frozen, but for the tears that fell down her face in quick succession. She had no idea it had gotten this bad, that her child was suffering so awfully and she had no idea whatsoever. She cleared her throat, snapping her mind back to the present and away from all the thoughts that plagued her mind, "Ciara, sweetheart... I'm sorry... I just don't know what else I can do to help you,love."

"I don't think I can be helped Mammy," she whispered, desperately fighting the deep frown that so wanted to make itself known. She lost the battle and the frown opened the floodgates. Her Ma rushed forward and hugged Chip tightly, the two women falling to the floor where they stayed for a long while. Ciara sobbed to her heart's content and her Mammy comforted her in all the ways she knew how, while also fighting her own battles within her mind.

And that evening, where her Mother had cradled her as if she were once again a child, forced Ciara to (for the first time ever) actually consider taking the path to recovery.