Basorexia - J.MAGUIRE

[3.53] exposure

James and Chip had been in his room for the better half of an hour. Initially, they were both just cuddling in bed whilst going through the pictures he had recently taken on his camera. Then a rather deep conversation about James' life followed, which somehow then turned into a passionate make out. His hands were all over her back, never straying too far down or anywhere he thought would be uncomfortable for her. They mostly resided in her hair, fingers curling around strands or just threaded through her now insanely fallen ponytail.

It wasn't until he lost track of all thoughts and let his hand down to her thighs that she flinched away and broke any and all contact. He frowned, thoughts still clouded in a haze, while she avoided eye contact completely. "Sorry, did I do something?"

She slowly pulled herself up and sat up at the end of the bed, pulling off the covers completely. Despite her jumper, she could feel the bumps against her skin begin to form and send chills up and down her arms. He sat up too, back rested against the headboard while he patiently waited for her to respond. She anxiously flattened her hair back from her face, tucking the fly aways behind her ears."No no not at all. I just- I don't want to do that sort of thing yet... I'm sor-"

"There's nothing to be sorry about Ciara," he smiled reassuringly, starting to feel awful for his momentary lapse in judgement.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, I'd never force you into anything you weren't a hundred percent okay with."

She started to play with the rings on her hands, turning them three times before she moved onto the next one. She would count out each turn and found it, plus the feeling of the metal moving against her finger, rather satisfying and insanely comforting. "It's just... Well the whole confidence thing and I um.... There's some things I don't want you to see."

His gaze softened exponentially, eyebrows slanting as his forehead creased with worry. "Chip are you?"

She immediately shook out of her counting state and stammered, "Oh no no not that, shit sorry. No it's not that. Just like um, stretch marks and other things that just aren't pretty. I don't want you to see them until I'm somewhat okay with them.... Does that make sense?"

"Yeah it does and okay," he replied softly, leaning across the bed to tuck a piece of hair back behind her ear as he continued. "But just so you know and for future reference, there is nothing on you or about you that will not be pretty to me."

She smiled brightly, "You always say the right thing, how in the hell do you manage that?"

He shrugged and whispered back, "Maybe it's the English."

"I doubt that," she chuckled softly, both smiling into the soft and juxtaposing kiss that followed. "Also, I know that look in your eyes. Don't feel bad, okay?"

The front door opened wide and with a loud thud that could easily be heard in James' room, considering his bedroom was on the first floor. They both froze, colour draining from their faces. As they heard Michelle's footsteps, Ciara jumped out of his bed and lunged for her discarded jacket which had previously been hung on the back of his door. She grabbed her boots and James her bag, then headed for the window. And of course, as she had half her body out the window with a singular leg still in his room, Michelle burst in the room with news that she was so desperate to tell him. Only she saw Chip, the messy bed and her fallen ponytail and quickly pieced it all together. "You two?" she gasped, hand clenched tight despite the fact it had flown to her mouth in shock and partly nausea.

Ciara slowly tucked herself back into the room and let her bag drop to the floor, her boots had already been thrown out of the window but she didn't have much care for those right now. The look on her best friend's face physically made her nauseous, she looked utterly disgusted. "Chelle I-"

"Don't," she interrupted, raising her hand to stop Chip's words instantly, She just didn't want to hear them or all her undoubted excuses. Michelle spun out of the room almost as quickly as she had entered it, left James' door wide open and stomped upstairs. Ciara flinched as she heard her door slam shut so forcefully that a framed picture on James' wall shook.

Chip didn't even look at him before she ran up the stairs, pulling out her fallen pony tail as she skipped the top step as it had started to pull uncomfortably. She knocked on the door gently, then when it came without response, knocked harder and yelled through the wood. "Chelle!"

"Fuck off!" she yelled back, voice somewhat muffled by the wood but she could so clearly hear the fury that shook her voice.

Ciara's shoulders tensed as she leant her head against the door, not feeling able to open the door and invade her privacy as she would if they weren't in the midst of on argument. "I'm sorry okay but I-"

Suddenly the door swung open and Chip nearly fell through the gap, managing to catch herself before she knocked into Michelle's head. "How could you? This is like, betrayal!"

Chip's brow furrowed as she echoed, "Betrayal?"

"You'd choose him over me," she responded, significantly softer than before. It wasn't anywhere near to her usual tone of voice but at least it wasn't the previous yells that sent such waves of sadness through her mind.

"I've never said that?"

Michelle scoffed, pulling a cigarette from her pocket which she quickly lit, "Aye you have. I asked you not to do this because of how it would affect everything and you did it anyway. You chose him over me!"

She stammered, "I-"

"How could you do that? Throw away our years of friendship for that dickhead?" she retorted, eyes full of fury whilst Chip's had started to swell with tears.

"I'm not trying to throw anything away, Chelle, you're still and will forever be my best friend because you understand me more than anyone else and... I love you more than anyone else,"she trailed off, voice soft and downhearted. They barely used the love word, even though they both knew it was felt deeply every single day. They just didn't need to ever communicate it, both knowing of its existence anyway. So when either used it, it was either when the other needed comforting or when completely and utterly trashed. Only this time it wasn't either of those, instead a pouring of the soul which she heartbreakingly shut down with a scoff. pause.

"I asked you not to Chip. And you did so anyway, behind my back," she pressed, stressing the importance of that breach of trust. Chip knew she was the one in the wrong and all she could do was apologise, but Michelle didn't seem to want to hear it. After a silence when she took a deep inhale from the half forgotten stress cigarette between her fingers, she asked softly, "Did he know before I did?"

Ciara frowned, unsure as to what she was talking about, "Did he know what?"

She hesitated then looked her up and down with an expression that told her all she needed to know, "About you..."

Chip swallowed deeply, knowing this would pretty much be the nail in the coffin. Ever since she had gotten sick, she had always assumed Chelle would be the first to know. That, when she was ready, she would tell her first. Because she did tell her absolutely everything without judgement. It was just the disordered thinking that prevented it, the stupid and undeniable thought that she would tell everyone and just laugh. She knew it wouldn't be true but couldn't prevent her reluctance to tell. It was a cycle, a vicious one, and it was only one she escaped with Rosa's help. "He found out before you did, yes. But I didn't tell him. He just...pieced it together. Saw some things when he took me home once and just knew... I don't know. I didn't intend for him to know, I wanted you to know first. Please, trust me on that. I was going to tell you alone, but then Erin wouldn't let me leave and I-"

She scoffed but to her it sounded like laughter of disbelief, "How can I trust you Ciara? You went behind my back, doing the one thing I asked you not to do. You lied to me. Doesn't exactly paint the picture of trust, does it?"

"I- I'm so sorry Chelle," she apologised, tears now slipping down her face. Chelle had tears down hers too but neither acknowledged them, as always.

"Fuck. Off."

The bedroom door was slammed shut in her face but Ciara remained standing, her feet glued to the floor. It wasn't until she heard James finally climbing the stairs and felt his hand on her shoulder, that she snapped out of numbness. She turned and fell into his chest, tears rolling down her face while soft sobs escaped her lips. Unable to do anything else, he just hugged her tight with one hand and placed the other on the back of her head.