Basorexia - J.MAGUIRE

[2.28] temptation

The next day, after destroying the scales and all they were worth, for once Ciara did not rush to weigh herself first thing in the morning. Despite the change in her routine feeling like it could cause tears if something else went wrong, she actually felt rather good about the change and even managed to eat a piece of fruit for breakfast - vastly different to her usual nothing. Now that's not to say that she didn't have the urge to get rid of it as soon as she swallowed but with her Mammy watching her like a proud hawk, she couldn't bear to break her heart like that.

​​But later in the day, as she stood in Erin's bathroom washing her hands, the guilt started to eat at her brain. She was without distraction of people or other thoughts now so the part of her mind that told her what to do was overpowered by the evil gremlin that counted the calories. Her gaze somehow, as if it was a goal in a treasure hunt, fell onto a scale tucked away behind a cabinet filled with various bottles in the bathroom. And in a bid not to lie to herself, Chip could admit that she was tempted.

So incredibly fucking tempted.

She pretty much froze after turning off the tap, just staring at the clunky plastic hidden away. She knew it would do more harm than good, that it would and could quite possibly reset all the progress she had made - to her it felt like a lot of progress, given how she had been beforehand. But she just couldn't put it out of her mind. She must have stayed stood, staring at that scale for a good few minutes before she managed to pull herself away from the situation. But the entire time she was sat in Erin's bedroom, the pull to soothe the need to weigh herself just got greater and greater until she simply could not take it anymore. She practically ran out of that house, after giving some excuse about her Mam and went straight home without even looking back.

Chip had hoped her Mammy was home, for distraction, but it seemed that she had gone to the shops to refill the fridge. And now without Cal, Ciara was stranded on the island that were her deprecating thoughts that wanted more than she was willing to give. So she picked up the phone and dialled a number that she had pinned onto the board in the kitchen months ago, waiting for the right opportunity to use it.

The various ringing sounds and how prolonged they were instilled her with the complete opposite of hope and she almost hung up the phone until a voice echoed down the receiver, "Hello?"

"Eoin?"

"Chippers?"

She paused for a sigh of relief, afterwards whispering, "Can you help me...please?"

The brief pause that followed had Chip doubting absolutely everything. It felt like years, years of silence that allowed her mind to run absolutely haywire with guilt and overthinking every little second. "You still live where you used to?" he eventually asked, only having paused for a second to process what was going on.

"Aye," she sighed, tension falling from her shoulders.

"I'll be there in fifteen," he responded and Chip was then and there so incredibly glad that the conversation had taken the route that it did. She simply did not have the energy to deal with the fortress of lies in her head anymore.

As he had said, Eion arrived fifteen minutes later on the button - not that she had been watching every passing second on the big clock in her Mammy's bedroom in an attempt to stop her mind. After a hug, making him a drink and a rather quick catch up on everything that had been going on with her since they had last spoken, Ciara awaited him to give some sort of all knowing advice that would just 'fix' whatever problems were in her head at that very moment. Instead he sighed softly and asked a question she hadn't expected to ever be asked, "Do any of your friends know Chippers?"

Ciara had never even thought of sharing that with them. Of course she worried every single day that they would find out and therefore repercussions would occur. She thought her disorder was something to not be discussed, something to keep hidden and be deeply ashamed of. She thought they wouldn't understand and just thought she had a shit body image and just wanted to be skinny, but it was so so much more than that. "No."

"Does that not get lonely?"

Ciara shrugged. "Not anymore than the usual."

His brow rose, "The usual?"

I'm perpetually lonely. Surrounded by a love that I'll just never be able to grasp.

She paused, filtering the immediate response her brain had come up with out of thought instantly. "Just general loneliness. You know?" she cleared her throat of the instant awkwardness felt after her response, playing with one of the rings on her fingers to soothe it away, "I'm just so fucking tired," she whispered as she dropped her head down onto the table, finding the wooden surface to be much cooler than the warmth of her head.

"I was too Chippers," he paused, placing his hand over hers and comfortingly drawing circles on it with his thumb. "But eventually, if you keep working hard at everything, you'll get to the point where you actually have energy and see food as a fuel. I have days too, don't get me wrong. Like yesterday, I almost had a breakdown because there was too much butter on my toast but then after calming down and sorting myself out, it didn't seem to matter anymore," he shrugged, watching as Chip picked up her head with a distinct confusion focused between her brows.

"Are you not so incredibly overwhelmed by everything else without the calorie thoughts?" she asked softly, nerves biting distantly at her tongue.

"No," he smiled softly, reassuringly. Ciara had never thought there would be a day like he was describing. "It's actually peaceful. Feel like I'm actually living again, you know?"

"Aye," Chip whispered back, lying her socks off. She truly had forgotten how freeing it felt to live life not with the hope that the next day would be better. She desperately hoped she would reach that point but right now, the reassurance that she would have help from someone who had suffered the terrors of the same thing was just enough.