what now? | outerbanks

• one •

Sarah

I place flowers and a photo at the foot of the cross we made for my father, knowing that, this time, it's real. He won't come back like he did before. He's gone forever.
Tears well in my eyes and my breath gets caught in my throat. I don't know what to think. How am I supposed to feel?
He was my father.
Things changed between us, of course. He was a horrible person. He hurt people, including me. He ruined our family. He stripped me of everything I thought I knew was real.
But for sixteen years leading up to that switch, he was my dad. He carried me from the car to my bed even when he knew I was faking sleep. He brushed my soaking wet hair after bathtime. He woke us up early on special weekends to take us to the local donut shop. He held me tight night after night while I cried because I missed Mom.
Nothing, no matter how much bad he did, can take those years away.
I feel nauseous as I replay the last year in my head. Staring back at him after everything, part of me thought he even looked different. Like his face had changed over time. Physically, he was a different person.
I think that makes it easier to understand, to deal with the fact that my dad, who once was my whole world, my best friend, ended up being a murderer. I try to imagine that the man who shot innocent victims is a different man who gave me my name. That the gun wielding hands aren't the same ones that wiped my tears when I cried.
I say a silent prayer as I stand to walk away from the memorial.
When I turn around, Kie is right there, waiting for me to need her. She stands in front of me with a worried look, and it only takes a second before I fall into her arms and choke out a sob. She crouches down with me and engulfs me in a hug. I've needed a hug like this for a long time.
She brushes my sun-damaged hair out of my face and rubs my back in an attempt to calm me down. "Hey, Sarah, shhh. It's going to be okay. I've got you."
I look past her and see the others watching us. They're standing there helpless and stunned. They don't know what they're supposed to do.
Kie does.
She feels my breath quicken. She takes a quick, warning glance at John B. Her eyes say, She's not okay. "Sarah, focus on my breathing," she says. "Just follow my breath." Her fingers find their way to my wrist to check my pulse.
Suddenly, it's too much contact. I feel constrained. I can't breathe.
I push her hand away and stand up, shrugging her off of me. I stumble my way past her and everyone else until I'm standing face-to-face with John B.
My eyes are crazed. I can feel it. They flit around his face. Between his eyes, to the dirt on his brow, to the confused frown on his face. I part my lips to try and take in a deeper breath, but it doesn't work. I shake my head quickly back and forth, even though he definitely already knows something isn't right.
    This isn't my first panic attack.
He doesn't think twice before he pulls me into a tight hug and places his lips on my forehead.
I don't know how to explain it—why Kie's hug was too much but I somehow melt right into John B.'s.
"You're okay, baby," he whispers, lips moving against my skin.
I almost believe him. My breathing starts to slow. My eyes flutter shut in relief when oxygen finally fills my lungs.
Then, I feel my body starting to go weak.
I try blinking away my tears. I look around frantically as everything becomes more intense. Nothing sounds right anymore, either muffled and imperceptible or loud and ringing. Nothing looks right either. Everything is bright all of a sudden, previously clear shapes now blurry around the edges. Everything starts to close in around me.
Then, nothing.

John B.

Just as Sarah is safe in my arms, finally starting to calm down, her body goes limp. She slides out of my grip, knees hitting the ground with a sickening crunch.
Kie is the first to notice. "Holy shit! Sarah."
"Help!" I shout.
As a group, we lay Sarah on the ground.
There's sweat beaded up above her top lip and around her hairline. Her cheeks are hot and flushed. I shake her, but it doesn't do anything.
I tap her cheek, holding her chin with my other hand so it doesn't hurt her. "Wake up, Sar. Hey, baby, you gotta wake up."
My eyes survey her whole body to check if I'm missing something.
Was she shot?
Did she somehow get shot in the crossfire?
I get sick just thinking about it.
Not again.
My eyes fall down to her shoulders, where I realize her bare skin is pressing into the sticks and rocks. I lift her slightly to cradle her in my arms. I don't want her to be uncomfortable.
"Can't lose you again," JJ mutters. He sounds stressed.
They used to be enemies, him and Sarah. Now, they're basically siblings. Sure, Sarah already has an older brother, but not one she could trust. Not one she could turn to without flinching.
Pope says something too, trying to offer some possible causes. Or maybe he's giving a solution. I can't tell.
Cleo quips back then, explaining why something he said isn't accurate.
Kie yells at them to focus.
Everyone is talking at once. I can't take it anymore.
I slam my fist into the ground. "Everyone just shut up! Please." They listen. "She has a pulse. She's breathing. Let's get her somewhere safe and see what happens then, alright?"
JJ nods. "Yeah. Sorry."
"I'm just as scared as the rest of you, but you guys are making it worse."
"You're right. Sorry, man," Pope says after a moment of silence.
I pick up Sarah carefully, one arm under her shoulders, cradling her neck and back, and the other slotted under her knees. I readjust when I notice the position is causing her shirt to ride up too far.
I slowly stumble down a hill to where the boat is parked below. It's a difficult path but I won't let it stop me from getting Sarah somewhere safe. The others stay back staring at me in shock for a couple seconds. Unsurprisingly, JJ is the first to follow behind.
"Hey, John B. do you want me to carry her or something? Today's been a lot, and you look like you're struggling," he offers, his voice laced with genuine concern.
"No, I've got it," I grunt, not turning around.
He jogs further down, putting his hand on my shoulder in an attempt to stop me. "Are you sure man? I'm just a little worried that—"
I snap, turning around so quickly that Sarah's feet swing into his side. "I said I've got it, okay? Just leave it be."
"Yeah, okay, um—I'm sorry man."
I get Sarah into the boat and lay her down on her back across the stern.
As soon as everyone else is loaded onto the boat, JJ speeds off away from the island, away from the gold, away from Ward's lifeless body.
None of us has any idea where we're going. It usually comes to us, and this time, I'm really hoping it does.
We're on the water for what feels like an eternity, and I'm by Sarah's side the entire time, hand on wrist, at her neck, monitoring her heart as if I have any real idea what I'm looking for.
My mind flashes back to the first and only other time I've had to check Sarah's pulse. Seeing her on that table, pale and lifeless, felt like the end of my life. Those few moments, where I truly thought I had lost her, were easily the worst moment of my life. I thought I'd never live again, never lose the guilt of leading her into that.
She's promised to me a million times that it wasn't my fault.
But wasn't it.
Wasn't I the one who introduced her to the Pogues? To the gold, and the hunt, and the danger.
I was.
I was the reason she was in the mess in the first place.
I'll never forget the moment that monitor started beeping again.
She's been through too much.
My eyes get watery, and I lift her hand to my mouth, placing kisses along her bloodied knuckles.
"You guys hear that?" Cleo asks, looking around.
"Hear what?"
"No, yeah. Is that music?" JJ hears it too. He stands and walks to the bow, eyes scanning the horizon.
I let out a breath of relief.
"Oh, thank God." Kie moves toward us, kneeling beside Sarah and taking her hands. "We're gonna get you safe, pretty girl. It's gonna be okay." Tears start to fall from her eyes. "It has to be okay," she chokes out. She places her head on Sarah's chest and begins to sob. I glance towards JJ, signaling for him to help.
JJ walks over and soothingly rubs Kiara's back. He slowly moves her away from Sarah and pulls her onto his lap where he rocks back and forth until we reach a local boat launch.
Pope steers us to a dock, and Cleo immediately jumps out to tie us off. JJ helps Kie out before holding his arms out for Sarah.
Reluctantly, I pass her over and follow suit, leaving the boat behind.
"We need to find somewhere for her to lay down and rest," Pope says, already searching. "I think it's probably just exhaustion. Maybe dehydration."
"Leave it to me," Cleo says, taking charge. "I got it." Honestly, we don't give her enough credit. Without her, we'd probably be dead.
Following Cleo, the six of us weave in and out of market booths, tourists, and sketchy deals on the street. Sarah is still limp in JJ's arms. I feel guilty that I'm not the one carrying her.
In what feels like record-time, Cleo has found a hostel for us to crash. We rush through the doors.
I take the initiative and run to the front counter. "Um, excuse me, ma'am. Do you, um—do you have any rooms? A bed? Anything?" I ask frantically.
Her eyes move slowly from me, to JJ and Sarah, then to the rest of the groups. She looks like she genuinely could not care less. "Well, not for free, if that's what you're asking," she says apathetically. "We have policies here, it's not just some pigsty off the side of the road."
I run a hand through my hair, taking a deep breath so I don't completely snap at this old woman. It doesn't work. "Look, ma'am," I argue, "I'm really not trying to inconvenience you, but, quite frankly, I don't give a shit about your—"
Cleo steps in front of me, turning her head enough just to glare and whisper, "Not helping," before turning back to the old woman. "Hi, ma'am. All he's trying to say is that we really need a bed for our friend." She gestures to Sarah. "She's sick and this was the first place we could find to stay. I apologize if this doesn't totally stick to your policies, and we really don't mean any trouble, but this is our best bet. We will pay you as soon as we can. I promise."
The woman behind the desk looks at Cleo with a slight look of empathy. Then, she looks at me with a look of disgust. Finally she says, "Fine. But one discrepancy and I'm kicking all six of you out."
We waste no time scrambling down the hall to find a room.
"What a bitch," Kie blurts out a little too loud.
"I heard that!" the woman shouts from her desk.
Kie is very obviously aggravated. "I know!" she quips.
Something you learn very early on with Kiara is how she deals with sadness. She gets mean. JJ nudges her shoulder once, sneaking a quick nod to make sure she's okay. She brushes it off.

After trying four locked doors and walking in on one very unhappy patron, we find a vacant room. JJ carefully places Sarah's body on the bed, adjusting her head so it's comfortable on the pillow.
I immediately pull a chair to the edge of the bed, stroking her hair. Her face looks so peaceful. There are no creases in her brow, no frown at her lips. She hasn't looked this peaceful since... I can't remember when.
She looks beautiful. God, she's beautiful. How did I get so lucky? I think to myself.
I wish she would wake up. There's this sick, heavy, crippling weight on my heart that won't go away until I know she's okay.
I hear someone say something behind me, but I don't quite catch it. I turn slightly. "What?"
Cleo steps closer. "I said, she'll be fine."
She sounds confident. "She's just exhausted is all. The best we can do is let her sleep."
Pope squeezes my shoulder. "We'll leave you two in here. Let us know if you need anything."
Kie shuffles to my chair and opens her arms. I stand up briefly, and she wraps me in a tight hug. My best friend.
The four of them leave the room, and as soon as the latch clicks, I'm in tears. None of this should have happened.
Yes, we found the gold. Finally.
But we lost so much on the way.
I miss the days when we could be normal teenagers. I miss bonfires and surf days and nights spent at the boneyard getting drunk off our minds. I miss skipping school because we wanted to, not because we're on some deadly treasure chase. I miss being kids with my best friends in the world. With my family.
I miss being Val and Vlad, two goofy lovebirds who thought their mission was kept safe by the walls of some fancy library.
As my eyes trace her face, her eyelashes and lips, the freckles across her nose, I can't help but wonder: what if that day hadn't happened?
What if I hadn't been running from the cops. What if Sarah hadn't saved me? What if she hadn't offered to come with me to Chapel Hill?
What if we didn't kiss that afternoon on the dock?
Slowly, I lower my head down and place a kiss on her lips. Prayers fill my head as I breathe her in. Please, Sarah. I kiss her again. You're all I have left.
Two hours later, Sarah is still asleep. My eyes haven't left her once.
I know what Cleo said, and honestly, I trust her more than most people.
But still, I can't stop the worry that overcomes me. Is she really okay? Am I going to lose her this time?
Maybe she's not exhausted.
Maybe she's been feeling sick for days and I've been too distracted to notice. She wouldn't tell me if she felt sick, I think. She'd keep it to herself. She'd try to look strong.
Maybe I missed something. I check over her again, eyes and hands. I touch all over, lightly, making sure there's no blood, no wounds. It feels invasive, checking beyond the waistband of her shorts and under her top. I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I even stare at her scar for a few seconds longer. The scar from when Rafe shot her. I stare at it, convincing myself it looks the same as it always does, that it's not infected or opened.
It's not.
There's nothing.
I shift in the chair, trying to get comfortable. Nothing works. I lean forward on my elbows and rest my forehead on the edge of the bed.
There's a knock at the door.

oh who could it be?!? thank you sm for reading!! everyone leave ur predictions below and don't forget how much i loveeeeee you <33333333

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