what now? | outerbanks

• thirteen •

Sarah

It is after dark now, and we're all in need of a good night's sleep. Pope took Cleo back to his place; he said he'd try to convince his dad to let them stay. It's been a few hours since then, and Heyward is a sweetheart deep down, so I'm guessing it worked. JJ and Kie put up a hammock that they found in the rubble, and that's where they're sleeping. I doubt they're actually sleeping, though, because I keep hearing Kie wake up from nightmares. She's told me about them before; when we first met, she had just started getting them. They would show up randomly, not as a response to anything. She's been dealing with them ever since, but after Kittyhawk, even though she was only there for one day, they've gotten worse. Replays of being taken from her home by the hands of her own parents; memories of being betrayed. They broke her. I'm grateful she has JJ with her; he's the only one who can truly calm her anxieties.
For me and John B., on the other hand, the Twinkie will have to do. There were some extra clothes in the back that we've laid down for cushion, though they do very little, and we lay close together for warmth. In his embrace, I feel myself start to cry. I don't even know why, but John B. notices and wipes the tears from my cheek.
"It's over, Sarah. The chase is over."
"Mhm." I nod through my tears, but the words mean nothing to me.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Nothing, it's just- it's never really over, you know? I can't help but wonder, what now?"
"Sarah, 'what now?'? We can do anything we want now. Remember that surf shop you wanted to build?"
"Mhm. Big surf shop on the water, live bait, good food, big garden, all of us working together." It's true, ever since I started hanging out with the Pogues, ever since that night hiding out with John B. this is what I've been dreaming of.
"Yeah, so let's do it. We can get JJ's place back and turn it into whatever we want. Buy a charter boat and some good traps. This is it, Sarah. This is everything we've wished for." He smiles at me, and although he means well, I can't smile back.
"You can't say that."
"What do you mean? This is a good thing, Sarah."
"No, John B. You can't say this is everything we've wished for." I'm starting to get mad, and I can feel my tears turn to lava. "The surf shop is great, yeah, whatever- but this, all of this? Getting shot? Your dad dying, my dad dying? The chateau burning into ruins? This isn't everything we've wished for, not for me at least. I never wanted the gold, it was never about the gold." I look him in the eyes, and I can tell that he's getting angry too.
"Of course it wasn't for you. You've never had to worry about money, Sarah- you're a Cameron; a Kook. But for me, this gold is the most important thing."
"Oh, is that right? The most important thing? And what about me?" He stops at my words. I've stunned him, shot him down.
"Sarah, you know that's not what I meant. I just-"
"No, no. I'm gonna- um, yeah I'm gonna go. We can talk about this in the morning, but I really cannot do this now." With that, I get up out of the van, shut the door behind me, and walk aimlessly. Kie must see me because she calls my name, standing up from the hammock.
"Sarah? What's going on, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, it's okay." I don't even look at the girl when I say it; I just walk past her and onto the dock. I can see her in the corner of my eye, and she doesn't follow me, not at first. But once I'm seated on the edge of the dock, feet dangling and tears searing, I hear her footsteps. "Kie, I said I'm fine."
"Sarah, I know you well enough to know that you're not fine." She sits next to me on the dock but leaves me some space. "John B?"
"Kind of."
She scoots closer to me and wraps her arm around my shoulder. "What did he do?"
"Called me a Kook."
"Well, were you being one?" She laughs and I give her a nasty look.
"What? No."
"I get it. I do. JJ used to be like that, super untrusting because of my background. It took a lot for him to really admit it, that he loved me."
"John B. has already admitted to it, though, there's just something holding him back."
"I think it's like that for both of them, though. You know, they've been living in their world for so long that it seems suspicious for people like us to love them. It's a big leap for them. This gold is a big leap for them too. He really loves you, Sarah. I know."
"I guess so. It was just never about the gold for me. It has always been about you guys, this group dynamic. Ever since Midsummers, I have longed to be a part of this, and now I finally am. But I can't pretend that everything is perfect now. I mean, as bad as Ward was, he was still my dad. I've known him as a hero longer than I've known him as a villain, and that really hurts." At this point, I was crying again; and even harder than the last time.
"I'm sorry, Sarah. Really." She wraps me in a big hug and I can tell she isn't going to let go until I do. But, we're soon interrupted by the sound of JJ's voice.
"Kie, are you planning on coming back, or what? Cause like-" He stops when he sees the two of us. "Oh, I am very sorry. I did not see you here, Miss Cameron, I will just see myself out now." He salutes in his awkwardness and, gratefully, makes me laugh.
"It's okay, JJ. You can have her back." I lift my hands in a "she's all yours" manner.
"Nah, you can keep her for the night. I'm guessing this is about JB."
"Yeah." I'm almost embarrassed to admit to fighting out loud. It's like, after everything we've been through together, you'd think we'd be inseparable.
    "Should I beat him up, or is it not-"
    "No, that's okay." I laugh out loud. "Thank you, JJ."
"I can totally go shack up with him if you guys want the hammock. It's really no problem." He says this to the two of us, but his eyes never leave Kie. It's like he's entranced, hypnotized by her every being.
"Thanks, Jayj." She tells him. He blows her a kiss and says goodnight.
"I think he likes you." I joke, nudging my shoulder against hers and winking obnoxiously.
"I know." She looks down at her twiddling thumbs and smiles; and even in the dark night, I can still see her cheeks turn to blush.