what now? | outerbanks

• eighteen •

/FLASHBACK/

    "Get in, bitch!" I tuck a piece of my curly hair behind my ear as I walk down my grand driveway to Sarah's car. The windows are open, and the sun is piercing through the sunroof.
    "I can't believe you convinced me to come to this party," I tell her, rolling my eyes and leaning my head against the headrest of my seat once I'm buckled and situated. "Actually, remind me again why I agreed to this."
    "Because you love me," she hummed in her sing-song voice as she batted her eyelashes elegantly, never actually taking her eyes off the road.
    "Mm, no, that wasn't it." I laugh at myself as Sarah hits me on the arm, the car jerking a bit when she does so.
    "And because I told you there would be a keg."
    "Ah, yes. That sounds about right." School has been killing me lately, so this Kegger is exactly what I need. "I just hope I won't have to see John B. and them. I'm so sick of their bullshit."
    "Don't let them ruin your night, Kie. It's not your fault they can't handle you being rich. I mean, sue you for just trying to live your life." She taps her fingers impatiently on the steering wheel of her shimmering new car as we wait at the red light. "Plus, you know Kooks have more fun." She turns to me and winks in an exaggerated fashion, missing the light turn green, so I have to motion for her to press the gas.
    When the car stops, we've arrived at the figure-eight boat launch, and Topper is watching us park with his hands on his hips.
    "You said you'd be here like ten minutes ago. I've been waiting." He says, hands still on his hips and face without emotion.
    "Sorry, Top. But I'm glad to know you've been waiting." She has flirtation in her voice, and she walks over to the tall boy, snaking her arms around his waist and kissing him on the lips. I just about vomit in my mouth. I've never liked Topper, and I don't think I ever will.
    "Get a room." I say, disgust almost tangible. "Let's go. You said it yourself, Top, we're going to be late." I don't wait for Topper and Sarah but instead get in the boat myself, hopping smoothly from the dock to the Grady-White.
"Wait, you guys didn't stop to get anything? We're going to a party; we can't show up empty-handed." Topper throws his hands down at his sides, and my insides boil at his childlike tantrum. This time, Sarah doesn't look past his nasty attitude and confronts him.
"Okay, what's your deal? You didn't tell us to get anything, so, no, we didn't." She gets in his face before turning to join me on the boat. I raise my eyebrows at her, but she can't be bothered to interact. "I'm so sick of you yelling at me all the time. Aren't you the one who asked me out?" The girl's voice is impressively raised at this point, and I can't decide if I should jump off the boat or just kill myself right here, my being flamed with awkwardness. Topper smugly walks to his place on the boat and then grabs Sarah's jewelry-clad hands in his.
"Alright, babe. I'm sorry, okay?" He puts on this fake tone that I can't help but cringe at. To my disbelief, Sarah's eyes instantly soften, and it's like she wasn't just yelling at him. "Let's just have some fun tonight, okay?" He kisses her passionately again, and she doesn't even hesitate.
Impatiently, I walk to the helm of the boat and start it myself, steering the boat away from the dock and towards the boneyard. Sarah trips a little backward when the boat takes off, not expecting it to move so suddenly.
"Hey, this is my boat," Topper tells me.
"I know, but it wasn't going anywhere. I just want to get to the Kegger."

The boat ride isn't but a couple of minutes, and it's not long before we can hear the music and commotion. Kelce, one of Toppers friends, helps Topper wash his boat onto the shore since the peninsula is without docks. I help them stake the anchor into the packed sand before Sarah grabs my hand and leads me to the drinks.
"You know, you should really try to find something you like about Topper." She tells me, side-eyeing me from my right.
"I promise I try, Sarah. I just know you can do so much better."
"You just don't know him like I do."
"Fine, I'll believe it for now. But one mess up and you're done." I hold my pinky finger out to the girl, and she hooks hers around mine, each of us kissing our thumbs before holding them together in a promise. "Where is he anyway? Shouldn't you be with him?"
"Eh, he stopped to talk to Kelce. They'll be occupied for a little bit." We make it to the keg, and I internally shudder at who's working it: John B. I was super close with John B., Pope, and JJ all throughout middle school, but my parents hated it and moved me to another school for high school so that I'd only be with Kooks. Then they pretty much banned me from seeing any of my old friends, so I had to restart my whole life. I got sure close with Sarah and her family, but as for the Pogues, I've sort of completely ignored them.
"Princesses." The brunette boy tips his head and salutes us. I roll my eyes.
"John B," Sarah greets begrudgingly, pursing her lips.
    "Did you come to say hi? Or..."
    "Just pour us our drinks." I tell the boy, looking anywhere but in his direction. He fills two Solo-cups with beer and hands them to Sarah before we walk off to find more people.
    "Asshole." I mumble with a snarl, just loud enough for him to hear. The sand kicks in my face as the blonde girl walks in front of me, and I squint my eyes to avoid the specks. We walk over to a group of girls we know from school; not really my friends, but they are Sarah's. The two of us make small talk with the other girls who hold empty cups and speak slurred words. Soon enough, my cup is empty too, and I hear feet shuffling behind me.
    "Sarah," I hear. It's Topper. "Come dance with me, babe." He presses up against her and wraps his arm around her shoulders, kissing her temple softly.
    "I would love to, Top, but I can't leave Kie-"
    "No, you're fine. I was gonna go grab another drink anyway. Don't feel attached to me."
    "You're sure?" She asks me, eyes truly full of love and compassion.
    "I'm sure, Sarah. Go have fun." I grab her hand as she walks away and her fingers slip gracefully from mine, her eyes lingering in mine for a second before she spins around. "And be safe!" I walk in the opposite direction of the couple, away from the ebbing waves and towards the Keg. Now, instead of John B., JJ is manning the machine. I almost turn around, aborting mission, but I'm no wuss.
    "Huh, funny seeing you here," the blonde says, an ever-present gash on his top lip.
    "Sarah invited me." I hand him my cup, hoping he'll fill it right away and set me free.
    "Figured." He looks away, concentrating on my cup and the liquid flowing into it, but once it's full, he keeps it and drinks out of it himself. "I mean, I know I didn't." He chugs the cup dry, and when he's done, he crushes the cup flat in his fist, the golden drink spraying all over me. I wipe my eyes dry.
    "Okay, seriously, what is your problem?" I scold, trying not to attract too much attention.
    "My problem? What's your problem?" His bottom lip flattens out and he licks the corner of his mouth, two tics I've known to trigger when he gets angry.
"You just- you thought you could just ignore us forever? Well, surprise, Kie. We're still here. While you've been off getting high on Kook weed with your Kook friends, we've been here. I mean, shit- John B.'s dad is missing and you haven't done so much as to call? Fuck you."
    Now, I'm not worried about the attention being on us. I'm too mad to care. I feel the pink rush to my cheeks and red-hot tears brim my waterline.
"No, fuck you, JJ. You don't get to put that on me, alright. Things change; people change. But don't make this sound like it's all my fault." I can feel the piercing stares from the people who are watching us fight, and after glaring at the boy for a moment more, I storm off, tears escaping from their haven down my cheeks and into my gaping mouth.
    "Kie!" I hear a boy's voice yell from behind me.
    "No, JJ. I'm not doing this."
    "Stop, Kie." A firm hand grips my forearm and I try to twist out of it before I turn to see a head of curtain bangs: Rafe. "Hey, calm down, okay? It's me." I continue to release myself from his grip, but I don't leave the boy. Instead, I plop down on the decaying log below us, hanging my head in my hands.
    "What was that all about?" He asks me.
    "Wouldn't you like to know." I'm still seething, cheeks only getting hotter, but I try to not be harsh to the innocent boy.
    "I would, actually."
    "Would you really?"
    "Yeah. That's why I just said-" I cut the boy's sarcasm off and say the words I've been hesitant to say for the past few months.
    "Why do you care so much, Rafe?"
"You're a great girl, you know?" He sits next to me, adjusting a little until he's comfortable on the natural wood. He wipes a drop of sweat from his toned temple and brushes his bangs back. "It's their fault if they can't see it."
"You don't have to say that."
"Truthfully. I've never seen Sarah so happy. She's always had friends. I mean, she's Sarah Cameron. But her friends have sort of- well, they've all sucked. All they care about is money and drama. She used to be so drained all the time. Now, with you, she's happy. And that means a lot."
"I'm over at your house like every day. I have never heard you say anything nice about Sarah."
"She's my sister; she's blood. I'm happy seeing her happy, and it's because of you. It's great to have you around." Something unrecognizable flickers in the boy's eyes, and I try my best to decipher what it is, but it's unreadable. He lets out a small laugh, his eyes moving from my face to his wringing hands, and then he looks back into my eyes. "I like you, Kie."
The four words rattle in my head, thoughts blurred from a mix of surprise and the cup of beer in my hand. I've thought Rafe was hot for basically my whole life, but he's only ever been my best friend's older brother. Nothing could ever happen between us. Or could it? Maybe it's the alcohol, or maybe this is actually happening- I'm not sure, but I do what my heart tells me to do.
"I like you too, Rafe." His encapsulating gaze flickers from my eyes to my chapped lips, causing my stomach to flip and heart to race. He sets his cup down and digs the bottom of it into the damp sand before leaning in and pressing his lips against mine in a firm, exciting kiss. I break off for a second, surveying the situation and quickly calculating how bad of an idea it is, before succumbing to the pressure and kissing him back; more passionately this time than the first.
His calloused hands cup my face, and I scoot in close to his body, the warmth palpable.
"Did you come here with anyone?" He asks me breathlessly, eyes scattering around my face and chest heaving in and out.
I'm just as breathless as I quickly spit out, "Just Sarah and Topper. You?"
"Nope. Just me." I know why he's asking me this, and though the thought terrifies me, I'm strangely unable to say no. "Tell her you're leaving with a friend." He places another quick kiss on my lips, which are not chapped anymore in the slightest.
"You don't think she'll be too mad?" I ask, genuinely worried.
"Eh, she'll get over it. Find her and then find my boat. It's right over there." His hand brushes over my waist as I get up from my seat, looking frantically for my friend while coming up with what to say to her at the same time. I spot her laughing with her boyfriend.
"Sarah!?" I call as I walk closer to her. "Hey, I'm leaving with a friend, okay? Don't wait up on me."
"With a friend? Oh my God- Kie, you whore." She winks at me and gestures her hand towards me in a clawing motion. I stick my middle finger up at her and walk away quickly to Rafe's boat, stumbling a little on my way. "Safety first, remember! Hey- wait, is that my brother's boat?" Shit.
"No..." I say, and it's apparently not very convincing. I don't look back at the girl when I say it, but keep my eyes trained on the toned, tanned boy; one thought in mind.
"Screw you!" She yells to my back. I grab Rafe's hand as I enter the boat, and he speeds off seconds later, salt air blowing through my hair and cold wind biting my cheeks and nose. When we make it back to the dock at Tanneyhill, the two of us stumble our way to the back door, kissing against it in its safety.
"Upstairs?" He asks me, unlocking the door before I can catch my breath to formulate a response. I back inside the estate, slipping the gold sandals off my feet before running up the familiar stairs, skipping the creaky step as I make my way to the boy's bedroom. I rip the jacket I brought off of my shoulders and throw it aimlessly to the floor, the boy entering the room not long after, his shirt removed as well. I lie myself down onto his made and pressed bed, my chest rising and falling quickly as my eyes swim in his. He kisses me again and then breaks to speak.
"Are you sure?" I think about it. Hard. I really should weigh the outcomes, but I can't form any coherent idea other than one.
"Absolutely." With that, he pulls the string on his lamp with a click, dimming the room and setting an ambient space.

    That night would be full of firsts. And it would lead to more firsts and more loving conversations. But it wouldn't last forever; not in the slightest.