what now? | outerbanks

• twenty-six •

Sarah

    "I really missed you, Wheeze," I say, stroking her hair. We brought her back to the house after Rose left with Shoupe, and I sent her to my room while I discussed with Rafe.

/EARLIER THAT DAY/

    "She can't stay here, Rafe," I said, dropping my elbows into the counter and holding my head in my hands. Running my fingers through my wavy locks, "There's no room for her here, and none of us are in the position to take care of her, you know that."
    "Okay, so where does she go then?" The boy was yelling, and I flared my nostrils at him, looking back slightly to the hallway behind me.
    "You need to calm down. She can hear you."
    He pivoted on his feet and ran his fingers over his eyes. "Look, uh, Nanny and Pops are still down in Charleston, yeah?" I hummed in response, already anticipating the boy's continuation. "She can stay there; she'll be fine."
"Rafe, that's like an eight-hour drive; we can't just abandon her there. I mean, we haven't seen them in forever," I argued, shaking my head and desperately trying to make the boy understand. I couldn't leave her again.
"Well, if you don't like any of my ideas, I might as well not help at all." Rafe slammed his fist down on the dining table and angrily walked out of the house, grabbing his jacket with a heavy hand. I flinched at the commotion and watched nervously as he paced back and forth on the porch.
"I'm sorry," I heard sheepishly from the living room. It was Sofia, who I had quickly forgotten was even there since she kept quiet and hidden amongst our latest fight. "I don't know why he gets like this." She frowned and walked over to where I stood in the kitchen.
"Don't apologize; it's not your fault." I observed the girl's face, and for the first time, I took her completely in. She was beautiful and had dark, tanned features made of what could've only been magic. She looked kind and true and like the kind of person who waved at babies. We stayed there in silence for a moment, but her sweet voice broke out eventually.
"Okay, this is kind of crazy, and you can shut me down right away if you want, but my parents' house is only twenty minutes from here, and I have my own little sisters," she was wringing her hands anxiously, and her rambling was a telling sign of her perceived awkwardness. I knew where she was going, but I didn't want to jump to conclusions.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is: I'm sure they'd let Wheezie stay there, at least for a little bit while you figure other arrangements out."
"Oh, no- I can't let you do that, Sofia. That's way too generous, but thank you." My mouth twitched a smile at the girl, and I looked back into the hallway for a second, making sure Wheezie wasn't awake and listening.
"No, I'm serious. It's not where you guys come from, but it's a good house, and she'll be fed and well taken care of; and plus, she's already met my sisters. We introduced them a couple of months ago." Her voice was laced with a serious tone, and I could tell how much she cared. "Sarah, please?"
I bit my cheek until I could taste the slightest hint of metal, and then I picked at my cuticle until that bled too. I was nervous, like this was my only responsibility and I would fail completely if I messed it up.
"Fine. I'll talk to her, and you go talk to your parents." I pictured a sleeping Wheezie in my head and was almost brought to tears. She was painted so peacefully and childishly, despite the horrors happening around her. Noticing a change in my face, Sofia hesitantly took me into her arms, rubbing my back maternally. "Thank you, Sofia."

/PRESENT/

    "I didn't know if I'd ever see you again," Wheezie lets out, silent sobs racking her chest. I pull her closer to me and lay her head on my chest, placing a kiss into her frizzy hair.
"I know, but I'm here now, okay?" She sniffles and nods her head as I speak. "You know, I'm so sorry about everything." Now I'm crying too, and my tears blur my vision as they run like rivers to the corners of my mouth.
    "No, it's okay."
    "It's not, though. All of this- and I mean all of it- happened because of me. If I hadn't started on this- this adventure, we'd all be okay. Dad would be alive, we would still be living in Tanneyhill, we'd be the same old family."
    Wheezie removes herself from my embrace and sits herself up against the headboard. "I don't want that, Sarah. That same old family was my nightmare." I look at her with a questioning face and try to make sense of her words. "It was never about me. It was always Rafe and his drugs or you and all of your princess glory. Hell, Dad knew more about Rose than he did about me. I've been running to get out of that hell since the day I was born. Now, I finally escaped." She stares at me with wide eyes, and I stare right back. I pull her into my arms again and rub her back.
"I didn't know you felt like that," I murmur as I try to sift through memories for signs of the girl's hardships. I had no clue. We sit like that for a while, the sister relationship and familiarity of our blood holding us together in a magnetic embrace. Wheezie's voice is raspy and hollow as she talks again.
"What happens now?" She asks me brokenly, and my heart aches as I think about telling her. I know deep down that she's better off with actual adults and not a house full of teenagers, but I can't help but feel like I'm failing her. Tears continue to flow down my freckled face, and I cradle my sister's head I shake my own back and forth. "I can't go back with Rose, I can't. I just want you, Sarah."
"I know, baby, I'm sorry." I kiss the top of her head, and my hair gets stuck across my face in my tears. "I wish you could stay; I really do, but I can't take care of you, you know that. Sofia said you met her parents and sisters over the summer, yeah?"
"Mhm," she nods sadly, and I have a hard time looking her in the eyes.
"She said you can stay there with them while we think of something better. I know it's not ideal, but they're nice, and it's only twenty minutes away. You can come here whenever you want, okay, Wheeze?"
    She doesn't respond, but only hides her head in her knees. I smooth her hair one last time before getting off of the bed and walking to the door.
    "Get some rest, please. I love you." I flip the lights off, leaving the room lit only by the rays of sun through the cracked window, and leave the girl by herself.
    I let out a large gasp when I turn from the door, almost running straight into John B. He grabs my shoulders, stabilizing me and calming my nerves.
    "How did it go? How is she?" He asks before he fully scans my face, and when he does, noticing my swollen eyes and snotty nose, he changes his demeanor. "Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry."
    "I just feel so bad," I sob, walking to the living room, hunched over a little. He sits down on the sofa with me and rubs his thumb affectionately over my bare thigh. "I wish we could keep her here."
    "I know, baby, but you know that can't work. We have to work every day, and we have no business taking care of a teenager." He wipes tears from under my eyes, and the calloused tips of his fingers sting a little on my bruised cheek. "We can give her a job at the surf shop; we'll get her enrolled in school. Sarah, you're doing the right thing by letting her stay with Sofia's family. I've met them; they're nice. I know it's hard, but you have to let it go. It's not your fault."
"You've met them?"
"Yeah, her parents were friends with mine and Pope's. I remember Sofia being a couple of grades above us in school when we were younger. They're from out here."
"You really think she's going to be okay?" My tears, though few and far between now, still fall slowly.
"I know she's going to be okay," he assures me in his ever-stoic and protective attitude, one that I appreciate more than anything. I snuggle into him, and his steady heartbeat calms mine. I kiss him lightly on the lips as I drift away into an evening nap.
"Thank you, John B," I mumble as my eyes blink their final lap, closing finally in slumber.