Breath love - adopted by Elizabeth Olsen ✔️

9 - Days before the holidays -

Credits for the title goes to:
Manon5799 :) <3 thanksss

The last few chapters were kind off shittie. Hope this one makes up for it a little <3

2841 words :)

TW: ED ; losing weight 'heavily zoning out ; panic attack ; thinking about suicide ; depression ; self-doubt ; dark thinking ;

(sorry about all these heavy topics in one chapter. It's a ride)

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A few days have passed and I'm on automatic pilot. I go to school, work, and sleep. Lizzie texted a bunch but I haven't responded. I'm not worth her time. Anyway, it's Christmas next week. That means that school is busy wanting to get too much done before Christmas break. I have to do Christmas shopping for the younger kids. I hate it.

I sit in my bed. I need to get out. I need to get to school. I need to train today. I need to do this. I just keep staring at the wall. I don't hear Brooke calling me. I don't hear the kids. I don't hear Brooke entering my room. I don't see her trying to talk to me. I don't see her waving her hands in front of me. I don't feel her shaking me. I keep staring. I keep crying. I don't see Brooke giving up. I don't see that the day is passing by.

I don't notice Lizzie texting. I don't notice her calling. I don't notice anything. I just sit there. Against my headboard. Hugging my knees. Water leaving my eyes. Walking down that stairwell. Heading off to yet another rock bottom I didn't know existed. The stairs vanish as I step further down. No way back up. No way back to normal. No way back. No way. No.

Nothing left. I ghosted everyone. I have nothing left. It's just me. I don't want to be alone. I want to be with them. With the only ones who ever cared about me. With the one who died because of me. No one will care. No one will notice. No one. No.

I haven't eaten properly in days. I haven't eaten today. I lost weight. Again. I should be happy about it. But it's never enough. They still call me fat. They still say I need to lose weight. I still believe them. I know better. But I can't stop. I want it to stop. I want people to stop judging. I want the voices to stop talking. I want my stomach to stop screaming at me. I want my head to stop screaming at me. I want the hurt to stop. I want my heart to stop. I want... I want to stop.

I can't stop it. I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to do it. I want to make them proud. I don't know how to do that. I want to go home. I can't. I want it to stop. I can't. I can't control anything and yet everything is in my control. Everyone expects me to have said control. But I don't have it. I can't take control. I'm being controlled. Controlled by other people. Controlled by myself. By my own mind. By the voices. The voices in my mind. I can't get past it. I can't live. I can't breathe. I can't stop crying. I can't do anything. I can only let it happen. Let myself go past that point. Let myself fall deeper into that dark hole. Into the bottom. The bottom of rock bottom. The basement of a basement. The place no one should ever visit. The place no one wants to visit. It's dark and lonely here. It's not quiet though.

Everyone always says that it's quiet but it's not. All I can hear are voices. Voices telling me stuff I know isn't true but I can't help to believe it. I can't help but think I'm fat. I'm not good enough. I'm nobody. And nobody wants me. Nobody likes me. Everyone is just pretending. Faye is pretending. Lizzie is pretending. My parents were pretending. Brooke is pretending. Pretending they care. Pretending.

I play pretend. I pretend everything is all right. I pretend I have eaten. I pretend like I don't know what rock bottom is. I pretend not to miss my parents. I pretend I don't want to die. I pretend to want to do this. I pretend to be happy. I pretend to be smiling. I pretend a lot. I pretend I can function. But I can't. I am so tired. I'm so fucking tired of everything. I'm done. Done with everything.