Four Letter Word

Im Back

Kyra POV

Brr Brr Brrr Brrr

I awoke to my cell phone vibrating on my night stand. Its 6 a.m who calls this early ? -_- 

Again it was an unknown caller.  

"Hello?"  

"Goodmorning beautiful" 

I shudder at recognizing that voice.

"Roshawn?!" 

" Thats right baby and I'm back in Atl so let's make it a date."  

" You have some nerve calling after what you made me go through! I don't want you to ever come towards me! Leave me alone!!" I yelled at him through the phone.

With that I hung up. This is just too much in two days! 

First Darnell now Roshawn?

....

Dear Diary,  

Roshawn Jennings. Aka my former boyfriend is now back in town. Six. He would have been six. My son. I cant write any longer. I feel the pain returning... Four years since I visited his grave. Its not that I dont love him but because I felt guilty.... 

A heartbroken, 

Kyra.

* * * *

Roshawn Jennings. I know the Bible says to love your neighbors but I dislike him with a strong passion. He was a monster and I regret I realized too late and got caught up in his roller coaster.

I met Roshawn at a charity event being held by my church, Hezekiah Baptist Church in 2003. He seemed like such a nice man and nowadays those were hard to come by.

He stood at 6'2 and 260 Lbs of muscle, smooth chocolate complexion with chiseled features.  

The brother was on point!

After running into each other multiple times her finally mustered up the courage to ask me on a date which I hastily said yes. Six months later and we became an item. From the start of the relationship there was not a day where he wouldn't ask me to lay with him. Always my answer was no. Sex outside of marriage is considered sin and I wanted to live a holy life. Roshawn was an advocate church goer and you would think that he would understand about my wanting to stay a virgin until marriage but I guess he disregarded the fact. Wolf in sheep's clothing.

The night of our three month anniversary he took me out to a lavish restaurant named Moonlight Paris. I could see the lust in his eyes and bluntly said "No. Roshawn you know how I feel." he just smiled and shook his head. "Relax hun, I just want to treat my lady right today. Why don't we just enjoy the evening and food?" I smiled and noded a yes.

He kept suggesting I have more wine and after about the fourth glass I began to feel out of place.

"Shawn can we please go?" 

"Of course baby girl."

I slept through the ride to my house.

He carried me to my bed and started to undress me.

"Roshawn... pl.. please... stop." My words coming out slurred.

Breathing hard he said " You really think I'm not gonna take you? Baby you dreaming. You always on my mind and tonight it's gonna happen."

I tried prying him off and he landed me a punch in the stomach, knocking the wind out of me.

I woke up remembering what took place and cried.

Blood. I sore and bruised. I couldn't bring to look at myself in the mirror. I cleaned up the best I could to remove the dirty feeling I had but couldn't shake it. Tomorrow was going to be Sunday. How could I bring my unclean, filthy self into God's temple? Felt like God was looking down at me in disgust. I wanted nothing more than to shrivel up and die. What purpose did I have in life anymore?

I shunned myself from everyone around me. And tried my best to forget Roshawn.

Three weeks later I started having morning sickness and strange cravings. Then it hit me. There was another human being growing inside of me. I was.. pregnant.  

I received confirmation from a doctor that said I was four weeks along. I cried and fat ugly tears stained my checks. I needed to be strong and pull myself together. For us. My child and I. Determined to be a better mother then mine was and raise my child with the help of God. Although brought up by an unwanted circumstance, nonetheless this child was going to be loved. No way was I allowing Roshawn to be in any part of my baby's life but I did want him to know that he was going to be a father.

I planned that my telling him about my child would be closure.

Kyra Amaree Joseph, little Ja'Nai or Jonathan and Trinity. That's all the love I need!