101 reasons why I loved you // l.h // ON HOLD

week 6

reason #6 (your voice)

dear luke,

this is the sixth reason of 101 why I loved you.

your voice was like velvet, and when I met you, I longed to hear it, day and night. I longed to hear it in different ways, in the morning, in the night, when you were drunk, or when we made love.

I was lucky enough to hear it in all of those ways, and more.

in the morning, your voice was husky, and you mumbled incoherent words.

in the night, when you were really tired, it would be slightly more high pitched, and you would whine a lot until I helped you up the stairs and into the bed.

when you were drunk, your voice was gravelly, and you would stumble on your words. you would even sing to me as you dozed off. I actually loved when you were drunk, because that's when you would compliment me most.

when we made love, your voice was shaky, and your words slurred as you buried your face in my neck. you would whisper in my ear how much you loved me as you came undone, and you would whisper my name repeatedly, making my heart swell.

I even loved your voice when we would go to the movies and you would talk the whole way through it, soft whispers in my ear.

those mornings we lay in bed, just looking up at the ceiling, talking about everything, I loved your voice. I loved the emotion that was behind it when you talked about what you wanted to do after we got married. the excitement in your voice when you talked about having kids, moving into a new house, how many pets we would have.

then at the mention of our wedding, you would squeal and your voice would be high pitched, making me giggle. whenever you were excited about something your voice would go from deep and sometimes husky, to the voice of a 12 year old girl at her first concert.

I even loved your voice when you were sick in the hospital before you passed.

I came in every day, as I promised you I would, the rings on my finger a confirmation of the quote "In sickness and in health," I was there the moment you were admitted, to the minute the doctors rushed you away from me when I called for a nurse, saying that your heart monitor was slowing down.

I was there the moment the doctor came out, and told me, the cliché sentence that nobody wants to hear, that, they tried everything they could to save you, but they couldn't.

I screamed and cried and asked why the chemo had failed to take away the tumour in your brain, and the doctors brought me away to explain the issues.

you had a tumour in your brain, but also many in your spine, lungs, and stomach.

I screamed and cried at the doctor, asking why he wouldn't tell me and he told me it was because you knew you wouldn't make it, and you didn't want me to know.

you knew the chemo wasn't going to work anymore, and you would pass away. you were just hoping it wouldn't be when I was there.

the doctor informed me that you didn't remember who I was by the last 3 weeks I was visiting.

the doctors came in every morning before I did to explain who I was to you, just so we could have a conversation.

my heart broke in two knowing that you didn't know who I was for the last 3 weeks. You didn't remember every kiss, every whisper we shared.

you didn't remember that it was YOUR baby girl that was growing in me.

you had also taped a video for me to watch. I watched it 5 times in a row when I got home.

you said in the video,

"hi, baby. I'm so sorry you have to watch this, but I'm even more sorry that I'm gone. that I can't be there for you. I can't be there for our baby when she comes, that I can't be there to kiss away your tears. I've been told I'm going to lose my memory soon, and that's why I'm recording this now,"

at that point, you were crying, small sniffles coming from you as you read from a letter you wrote.

"I remember the first day I met you, and the way your eyes sparkled. you were, and are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my entire life. I fucked up our first date, but I was still able to keep you. our wedding day was the best day of my life, and when I go, I'll be thinking about how beautiful you looked in your dress. I remember 2 weeks after the wedding, you came up to me and told me you were pregnant. I cried for hours after that. and I was then admitted to the hospital only 2 weeks later. the thought that I've spent the last 8 months in the hospital, and that you're going to give birth in less than 2 weeks, and that I'm going to die in the next 4-5 days, tears me apart,"

I sighed as the tears rolled down my cheeks, running my hands over my stomach.

"I'll never get to see her grow up, or get to grow old with you. but I know one thing, Amanda Hemmings. I know that my love for you will always continue to grow. I know that I will always love you more than anyone in the entire world and you will love and cherish our baby girl so much while I'm gone. you promise to look over our photo albums every day, and watch our videos. I will physically forget you, but I know that my heart will always remember you, and the amazing 5 years you gave me with you. you gave me the best life I could've had, and I'll always love you so much. goodbye baby."

I watched it again and again after that, refusing to believe you were gone.

your voice, in the video, didn't sound sad. you sounded happy. happy that you would be passing away after a good life.

I would always remember you.

that was reason 6 of 101 why I loved you.

love, amanda