The Last Time

23

Wrecking Ball - Miley Cyrus

Over the next couple of days. I drive myself insane. I don't have my phone. I don't have anything and I know this is the best course of action. A complete break. A new fresh start. No way to contact my old life, but why do I feel like I could physically scratch my own eyes out with frustration at not being in touch with Liam. 

After everything he's done. After every bruise, why am I still pining for him? I don't get it. I really don't. He's never been that great to me apart from the start and those days didn't last very long at all. He's all I can think about. His eyes. His mouth. His body. The good days. Why is my brain torturing me like this? I think about all the memories. All the little moments that made me fall in love in the first place. My chest feels like it's burning in response to my thoughts. I miss him. I miss him so much and it's killing me thinking about him locked in a cell. I don't want him to go to jail. No matter how bad he's hurt me this time, I don't want that. The police came and interviewed me and I told them the same. They told me they can decide to press charges without my consent and it's panicking me. Will they tell him that it was me? Will he think I betrayed him, that I told them everything, I hope they just tell him it was them, all them.

Mrs Riley has been here. Everyday. Feeding me all sorts of homemade goods. She gossips about the hospital food with me and she listens to me drone on and on about Liam, never judging. She never tries to force her opinions on me. She some how understands everything I'm feeling and I love it when she's hear because it makes me feel safe and heard and really understood. I've taken her offer on the living space above her garage. I couldn't say no. A place I can really sit and think about what I'm going to do. I should be able to leave soon. Everything is healing nicely. The bruises are still bad and the two splits in my bottom lip still very sore. The ribs will be painful for a while and I'm on bed rest even when I'm home but I'm feeling better every day. On the outside anyway. On the inside I still very much feel like I'm falling apart. 

My mum hasn't been. Nobody but Mrs Riley and that hurts me but I also understand. I've involved everybody so much and I've always gone back to him. I've always hurt them to stay with him.

I decide to write Liam a letter which proves quite difficult when my right wrist is out of action in a cast but I push through it anyway. Taking my time so he can actually understand what I'm writing.

'Liam, I don't know where to start. We really made a mess of things didn't we. I just wanted you to know that I didn't tell them anything and I won't okay? I love you so much and I always will. Nothing will ever come between my love for you'

The tears are flowing and at first I think it's because of my love for him but then I realize that's not it at all. It's because I've decided what I need to say next. It's time to say goodbye or at least try to live a life without him and the thought makes me not want to go on from here but I have to.

'But I think we both know we're no good for each other and it's time to say goodbye. I'm so sorry that it's come to this. I hope you find the help and happiness you deserve. I love you, I'm sorry'

Now I just need to figure out how to get this to him.