The Last Time

53

Because Of You - Kelly Clarkson

I thought the angry stage had been and gone, but it's definitely come back. I'm so angry. How could Scott just up and leave without saying goodbye. This is going to be his longest time working away to. Three months Alison said. Three whole months and he didn't think he should say goodbye. That just shows that all of this was a lie. He probably just wanted sex. Well I guess we are both disappointed then.

Liam can leave me alone, too. I rang the police station and asked what he had been charged with. Sexual assault and Grievous bodily harm. I can't say I'm surprised. But this whole time. He's clearly been seeing somebody else. I'm pregnant with his child. For god sake. When is this shit going to end?

And my mother to, she doesn't even know I'm pregnant. She doesn't know anything about my life now or how I'm trying to do better. She hasn't even tried but when I woke this morning I had already decided that I'm going over there. While I've got this anger in my belly I feel a little brave and whether she wants to see me or hear what I've got to say doesn't matter because I'm going to tell her how I feel. I'm dressed in Scott's hoodie. It still smells of him, and a ping of sadness spreads through me. But I shrug it off. The closer I drive to my mothers the more nervous I feel. The anger seems to disappear.I pull onto her driveway. Her car parked perfectly in the space. Tim's isn't here. That's one good thing I suppose. I stand in front of the front door for a few seconds before daring to knock, she answers quickly.

"Kallie? What are you doing here?" She steps aside and I walk into the house I hate.

"We need to talk" I walk all the way into the kitchen and she hesitantly walks behind me.

"What do we need to talk about?" She puts the kettle on. I assume for herself because she knows I can't stand hot drinks.

"Everything" I take a seat at the dining table. My hands are sweating and I swear the baby knows I am nervous as hell because it's kicking my ribs like a football right now.

"Kallie you're clearly in a mood. I'm not going to sit and argue with you" She pours the hot liquid into her cup. The smell of tea hits my nose and I instantly feel sick. Please not now baby. At least let me tell her about you first.

"Really? That's how you're gonna start this conversation? How about how are you? How about that? Well I'll tell you shall I? I'm terrible mum. My life is a shit show. My mother couldn't care less that I nearly died. My ex-boyfriend is in jail for god knows what. I'm living in a tiny house alone whilst nearly five months pregnant. I have no support. I don't know how the hell I'm going to parent a child when my own parents barely parented me!" I'm breathless by the time I finish and then I realize I've just told her everything I was going to build up to and her face has gone very pale. Her knuckles are white from gripping the cup she's holding so tight.

"That's not how I wanted to tell you. That just came out...I'm sorry" I put my head in my hands. She still hasn't spoke or moved. Has she gone into some sort of shock?

"You're pregnant?...With that monsters baby?...How? How did it survive after what he did?" Shit! I didn't think about the logistics. Of course she would ask when and how and why.

"Does that really matter? Why didn't you care? I was alone and scared and nobody came" My voice breaks on the last word and she crosses the kitchen and sits opposite me.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is as a mother to watch your daughter repeatedly make the same mistake. You hurt yourself just as much as he hurts you Kallie. You will understand soon enough when you're a mother yourself. I can't keep watching it." She takes a sip and continues.

"You're so different. I raised you as this strong independent, young lady with the world at her feet and within weeks of you going to college you get in with the worst kind of boy possible and everything changed. You were so against us. So sad. We couldn't make you see sense. You had to do that on your own" She's tearful but she holds it together better than most. She's never been one to openly show emotion.

"You can't honestly blame me for the man I was drawn to. I grew up around the same kind of man remember. That's familiar to me" I feel mean bringing Tim into this but it's true. I've realized over the last few months that Liam was exactly the same as him. An angry, nasty man.

"Oh here we go. I wondered how long it would be before Tim was to blame. Grow up Kallie. You made those choices nobody forced you to stay with him. Tim is not to blame for your choice in men" She's so delusional to how fucked up their relationship was.

"Tim was a drunk. A violent drunk who beat you in front of us multiple times. I grew up scared. Scared that he would kill you or us. I couldn't wait to leave this house and when the first opportunity to leave came. I took it" She slams her cup down on the counter and I jump. Tea spills over the top and she quickly mops it up with a towel.

"Stop it! Tim had issues. I agree but he sorted himself out. You girls always came first for me. Always! You were safe. My relationship is none of your business. He's not like that now and hasn't been for years!" She's angry. The truth hurts.

"We came first? What a load. We begged you to leave him so many times. We always had to do what he wanted. Whether you want to admit it or not we never came first. I'll never put my baby through what we had to go through" I'm sobbing now. She always makes me feel like I'm wrong. Even as a child. My feelings and views never mattered.

"We will see Kallie. I give it a month after that baby is born before your back with him. Motherhood is hard. You wont be able to cope on your own trust me! That's if you don't go back before. Why did you come here today? To blame me for the fact you're stupid enough to get pregnant with a man who will never love you?" I stand to blow my nose. I don't know why I came. She's never wrong and I was never going to get any comfort here.

"I just wanted to let you know that you're going to be a Grandma and it might be too late for us to have a relationship but you could do right by your grandchild. I walk out of the kitchen and through the front door. I sit in my car for a couple of minutes sobbing hysterically. I can't stand how she makes me feel.

I notice her coming towards my car and I prepare for round two. I roll down my window and she leans down to my level.

"Please come inside" She opens my car door before I can respond and I follow her in.