permanent price ✷ alex karev

039. andromeda

"andromeda"
by weyes blood

" runnin' from my own life now
i'm really turnin' some time
looking up to the sky
for something i may never find
...
if you think you can save me
i dare you to try
...
we all want something new
but can't seem to follow through
something's better than nothing
or so that i thought
now i know it's just one dream
all these others gonna tear me apart
...
crazy guy
i think this is deep
think it's meant to be
more than anything i can think of
i'm ready to try
...
let me in if i break
and be quiet if i shatter
gettin' tired of looking
you know i hate the game
don't wanna waste any more time
you know i been holdin' out
love is calling
it's time to give to you
something you can hold onto
i dare you to try "

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

season 4, episode 1
a change is gonna come

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

it had been 17 days since eleanor had last been in the hospital, it had been 17 days since what would've been cristina's wedding, and it had been 17 days since everyone but george had found out they passed their intern exams and would be becoming residents.

alex and eleanor had spent the majority of the last 17 days together. the break was nice, and much needed.

she had enjoyed the time she was able to spend with alex away from the hospital, but with all the free time to think, her mind began to wander into darker places.

eleanor had spent so long resenting mark and addison, even alex at some points, too, that she forgot what it felt like not to be angry. she'd been doing well for a while, she'd let go of that anger and it seemed like it was helping. but now, every time she felt bad, she didn't have anyone to blame. she was just stuck with it. and she didn't know how to deal with that any other way than hating someone for it. except now, that someone was herself.

it was hard being so angry all of the time, but it was even harder having nowhere to place it except on yourself.

because what do you even do?

someone asks you how you are, and you say you're shitty and they ask why and you say what? i don't know? no reason? 

you say you hate yourself and they ask you why. i don't know? no reason?

because you don't know the reason yourself, and you certainly don't know what to do or say.

and so you can't talk about it, because all people will do is tell you that you're great and you just can't bare to hear it.

so you just lie all the time, and that makes everything even worse.

you have 17 days off from work that you get to spend with your amazing boyfriend that you love.

but the thought of how much you hate yourself is in the back of your mind the whole time.

that was where eleanor was at.

she hoped that now that they were all back to work, the distractions would fill her mind and drown out those lingering feelings, but that didn't exactly feel promising.

she was happy to officially be a resident and have her very own interns to torture, though. or at least she was trying to be happy about it.

the thing was, she was always trying, it just wasn't always working.