permanent price ✷ alex karev

040. a pearl

"a pearl"
by mitski

"  you're growing tired of me
you love me so hard and i still can't sleep
you're growing tired of me
and all the things i don't talk about
sorry i don't want your touch
it's not that i don't want you
sorry i can't take your touch
it's just that i fell in love with a war
and nobody told me it ended
and it left a pearl in my head
and i roll it around
every night, just to watch it glow
every night, baby that's where i go"

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

season 4, episode 2
love/addiction

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

in eleanor's opinion, the hardest part about kicking a habit was actually wanting to kick it. 

everyone she knew who had smoked cigarettes was always talking about trying to quit, but the second they got a whiff of one on a night out they were back to square one. because they liked it, and it was just too easy to fall back.

no matter how many times eleanor said she was trying, part of her was clinging to her self-destructiveness. part of her believed she deserved it--part of her couldn't let go.

it didn't matter how often reality showed her one thing, her brain couldn't grasp it. she could nod along and agree to be better, she could really try to savor the good moments. but then a day later, she'd start all over again. she'd lie, hideaway, and shut everyone out.

it was an endless cycle.

the worst part was that it came off like she wasn't trying at all, and every time she said that she was, seemed like a lie.

and the truth was that was probably the only part she wasn't lying about.

she was trying so fucking hard.

honestly, it was eating her alive.

she had locked herself in the bathroom that morning. izzie had been pounding on the door trying to get in, but eventually just giving up and begging meredith to use hers. that place was a fucking madhouse.

she just needed some peace and quiet from time to time. although, usually, that same quiet that she longed for only ever ended up making her feel worse. without the chaos, she was left to herself, and that wasn't always better.

she stared into the mirror, analyzing every part of the way she looked. that was her. the face that stared back at her was familiar. she looked like herself. it wasn't like that. she looked better than she did a month ago. her hair and face looked fuller. her skin seemed healthier. she looked better. but she didn't feel better. that was the difference. she knew the girl she saw in the mirror, she just didn't know how to get back to her.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

"are these all wedding gifts?" meredith asked as she an eleanor approached the nurses station that was cluttered with different appliances.

"yes. she's giving them away. i have dibs on the mixmaster." izzie answered.

"i'm not giving you the mixmaster." cristina laughed.