And What If I Were You

Chapter 1 - Part 5

Friday, March 18, 2022

British Airways Flight 269

Heathrow to LAX

9.15pm. Still somewhere over the North Atlantic...

Louis disconnects from the WiFi, the six emails from Harry sitting unopened in his inbox that he steadfastly refuses to go near, making his phone feel like it's like a lump of burning coal in his hand. He can't do it. He knows he's not strong enough, not yet. Maybe in the weeks to come he'll muster the courage to crack them open, to hear what Harry has to say, but for now he needs to put more distance between them.

He'd hated the sneaking around, deceiving Harry in the way that he'd had to as he'd created a whole new parallel life for himself, disconnected from his husband, from the man he thought he would spend the rest of his life with.

It was the only way though. Unplugging himself from his old life and moving on with a fresh start; a different bank account, a new phone, and hiring an assistant, Justine, to come to the house when Harry was at the film set to assist him with packing and settling his affairs in secret over the last couple of weeks.

She had been there this morning too, helping him disconnect his old phone, finalising everything, and arranging the car service that would take him to the airport and away from that existence forever.

He hadn't just disappeared off the face of the planet, of course, he'd left Harry a printed note explaining why he was leaving, just not where he was going to. In what was perhaps an overly dramatic move, he'd placed the note in an envelope along with his wedding ring and stuck it to his final, unfinished artwork, the same one that haunts him even now.

The note felt like the closure Louis needed and Harry deserved an explanation. After everything, he'd owed him that at the very least.

He'd also provided Harry with a new email address, one that Louis could keep separate, should they need to be in contact for anything financial or legal, or any other urgent matters. He knows none of the sixteen emails can be about any of that, so they can wait until Louis is in a better headspace once he's at his destination.

Maybe it was the coward's way out. Maybe he should've given Harry the courtesy of telling him in person. Maybe he could've handled it differently. But he didn't. This is the path he's chosen and now, over the North Atlantic as the miles between them increase, he's sure it was the right decision.

When the idea had been presented to him by one of the women in his support group, Raya, Louis had dismissed it out of hand as no more than a ridiculous flight of fancy that he barely gave any consideration to at the time. It had stayed in his mind though, niggling away at him, festering, until it grew too big to ignore anymore.

He and Raya had become close over the preceding months, both of them with similar levels of vision impairment resulting in them gravitating towards each other. Raya was a lovely girl, in her mid-twenties and adventurous by nature. She'd led a gypsy existence, exploring the globe and ticking items off her bucket-list like a woman on a mission. Her condition had hardly slowed her down at all, more of a blip of inconvenience than an actual roadblock.

Over tea and cake after one of their sessions, Louis had been bemoaning his lot in life, the unfairness of it all, and the cruel hand he'd been dealt. He felt like he could open up and share his real thoughts in a way he wasn't comfortable doing anywhere else or with anyone else and Raya had been a supportive ear for his complaints, sharing her own experiences and listening to his in return.

As they'd started on their second cup of tea, they'd moved onto a quick-fire round of favourite things; favourite pizza topping, favourite Boy Band, favourite childhood memory, favourite smell, the game went on and on like some bizarre friends version of speed-dating.

The question that brought the game to a halt however, was their favourite holiday destination. Until then they'd stayed safely in a lane that didn't require him to differentiate the before and after of his glaucoma, but as far as he was concerned, holidays were a thing of the past. He couldn't fathom how he could enjoy travelling to a destination only to sit in a hotel room. Participating in adventures was just off the table for him now, it was as simple as that, no matter how much Harry had disagreed. It was just another way that Louis had disappointed him, and left him feeling like shit as a result.

Louis had tried to dismiss Raya with a self-deprecating quip about how it didn't matter how beautiful Niagara Falls might've sounded, with its true marvel being found in its visual beauty it would be lost on him. She hadn't let it go though, instead she'd kept on and on about all the wonders of the world and how there were more ways to enjoy them than just looking.

His patience had been wearing thin and was about to head home when she'd started talking about this tiny island in the South Pacific that she'd visited a couple of years prior to losing most of her vision. She'd talked about it so enthusiastically that Louis couldn't help but be drawn in.

He couldn't have known then what a massive impact that conversation would have on charting a course for the rest of his life.

Louis presses the call button and then adjusts his seat to lay almost flat, shoving the small pillow behind his head and draping the blanket over his legs, using his toes to drag it down over his socked feet.

"Hi, Louis. What can I do for you?"

Louis turns towards Giselle's voice as she arrives to answer his call button. "Oh, hi. I was wondering if you could bring up the in-flight movies for me?"

"Certainly, Louis. Would you like me to read out the titles for you?"

"No, thank you. I have an app that can do that for me, I just can't get it to the right starting point."

"Of course," she says, moving into Louis' Business Class pod and crouching down in the space between Louis' extended footrest and the aisle, tapping on the screen. "There you go."

"Thanks, Giselle."

"No problems at all. Just give me a shout if you need anything else."

She gets up and leaves Louis to select a movie. It might seem like an odd choice, given he can't actually see the screen well-enough to watch what's happening, but he actually enjoys listening to movies he's watched before and has enough memories to make it worthwhile.

He pops his other earbud back in and brings up the Seeing AI app on his phone, tapping on the text reader function and reaching out his arm to hold it up. The familiar voice that guides him through his daily life starts reading what's on screen, but his breath hitches in his throat when a familiar title catches his attention. Love Actually.

Louis' heart clenches, images flooding his mind without his permission. He closes his eyes tightly, shaking his head to try and clear them away, but it's pointless. He doesn't want to forget anyway, not really. Not at all.

It'd been a bizarre sequence of events that had led to the moment where he and Harry had watched that movie together for the first time, a favourite for them both. Snuggled up on the couch at Harry's country home and full from the dinner Harry had sumptuously prepared for their fourth date.

Louis taps on the screen, settling back into his seat and raising up the footrest as the familiar voice of Hugh Grant starts talking about how love, actually is, all around.

He'd very much like to tell Mr Grant to go fuck himself, but as Louis is obviously intent on punishing himself, he just closes his eyes and replays the movie in his head while the audio track plays in his ears.