And What If I Were You

Chapter 1 - Part 9

Sunday, March 20, 2022

Fiji Airways Flight 903

Fiji to Pandanus

9.30am. Somewhere over the South Pacific Ocean...

The plane is noisy. The engines, which Louis guesses are propellers and not jet engines, are vibrating through the floor of the plane and rattling his bones. There's a bustle in the cabin, a cacophony of sounds that assault Louis' senses; chatter in languages he doesn't understand, babies fussing and being soothed by parents, everything feeling much more claustrophobic and crammed in than he's used to. It's the last leg of his journey though, so his anxieties about his impending arrival at his new home are probably not helping matters.

The final transfer hadn't exactly gone smoothly either, so his stress levels were already peaked before he boarded. He was supposed to disembark from the last flight first, but his escort had been delayed with another passenger, so he was eventually guided off the plane by the apologetic cabin crew and left to sit at the gate long after the flight had cleared. He'd felt abandoned and with no knowledge of Fiji's Nadi International Airport, and no airport or airline apps available to utilise there. His panic had risen to the point where he was a nervous wreck. Time had been ticking away, concern growing that he'd miss his final connection to Pandanus Island, one of only two flights per week, when his escort, Tatum, finally appeared. She had been apologetic too, but didn't really seem to understand the scale of Louis' fear.

It became clearer as they made their way through security and to the next boarding gate that she was a fill-in and hadn't had much training in how to assist passengers with a visual impairment, but they miraculously made it there without major incident, he just felt uncomfortable and on-edge the entire time. It had highlighted even more how long this journey was and how relieved he was going to be once he reached his final destination.

That general lack of understanding isn't new, he experiences it often when he's dealing with people outside of his sphere. At first, it had added to the isolation he was experiencing, piling-on until he felt he could barely breathe, but as he'd retreated into his own, carefully controlled world, it became more manageable. Every new barrier he put up, every new outing he avoided, every person he cut off or ghosted, was to protect himself, at least that was his justification. It was just easier.

But not everything could be avoided.

There were the visits to the eye hospital for check-ups, physio (because apparently the cane changed the way he walked), the community support group, and then there were the never-ending stream of events. The glitz and glamour of Harry's life, and the ensuing functions and parties, were relentless. He'd never felt entirely at ease in that world before he lost his vision and afterwards it was almost unbearable.

Harry had tried so hard to make things better, easier, ensuring that special arrangements were made to accommodate Louis' needs, and while Louis appreciated his efforts, all it did was draw more attention to his limitations. He felt like such a burden and he never enjoyed himself, although he tried to hide that as much as possible, plastering on smiles and trying to join in with conversations. It was all such a performance when all he wanted to do was withdraw into the background, but when you're with Harry Styles, that's easier said than done.

Louis also found that people who wanted to get close to Harry started to do so by getting close to Louis, making a fuss and highlighting how much they were helping him like he was a charity case. It was patronising and disingenuous and he hated it, but he wasn't in a position to tell them to fuck off either.

On the other end of the spectrum were the assholes who treated him as if he was deaf as well as blind, invisible almost, and Louis still isn't sure which was worse. Industry types blocking him out to sidle up closer to Harry, women and men alike thinking that the Harry Styles couldn't possibly be happy with someone like Louis and offering themselves up on a silver platter for Harry's taking, being excluded from conversations either overtly or because the communication was happening without words.

Harry has always been too polite for his own good and at industry events he also had to factor in not pissing off someone important; 'Today's junior prick, tomorrow's senior partner!' as Sigourney Weaver's character in Working Girl wisely said. It just all added to Louis' sense of exclusion.

He'd begun opting out of events, initially making up excuses, and then not even bothering. Harry continued to cajole him, encourage him, without pushing too hard or too far, but Louis knew deep down that Harry was giving up more and more because of Louis.

It's not really a surprise then that the final straw, the one that was the trigger for the life-altering change that's currently playing out in real-time, was because of this very issue.