And What If I Were You

Chapter 2 - Part 27

Sunday, April 17, 2022

Fiji Airways Flight 903

Fiji to Pandanus

9.30am. Somewhere over the South Pacific Ocean...

Harry stares out of the window, the brilliant blue of the South Pacific ocean reflecting up into the clear skies above, completely unimpeded by cloud cover. It's a different blue to any other he's known, richer and fuller, deeper, and beautiful in its perfection. Of course, Harry considers himself a connoisseur of blue, having spent hours upon endless hours staring at the most stunning blue in all of creation that can only be found in one place; in the eyes of his husband. Louis blue.

His journey is nearing its end and it can't come soon enough. He's on the final leg from Fiji to Pandanus and currently crammed in next to a very large islander man who is taking up more than his fair share of space. The plane doesn't have different classes so it's an assault on his senses to be in economy after travelling in the comfort of first class on the rest of the trip. But the man beside him, Esava, has been lovely and chatty, apologetic too, and he has no idea who Harry is, which is nice. Besides, the flight is only a short hop, so it's hardly that much of an inconvenience.

Graham had gotten him to the gate and then they'd bid each other farewell for now, with Graham waiting in Fiji for Harry's return with Louis in a couple of days. Ever the adrenaline junkie, Graham has some adventure activities planned to occupy his time while Harry is on the island, and Harry has been sure to put him up in a 5-star hotel on a pristine white sandy beach, so he'll be comfortable and definitely not bored while he waits.

They're only around twenty minutes from Pandanus and a nervous knot has taken up residence in Harry's stomach, twisting and turning and churning, making him feel queasy. Or perhaps it's just the exhaustion, drained from the hours in the air and transfers on the ground. He needs a fucking shower, and a bed, but most of all he needs to see Louis.

Yes, he's angry and wants answers, and he's hurt that Louis left, but more than all of that, he just misses him. It's like a part of his heart has been ripped out leaving a gaping black hole that continues to pull in more and more of his lifeforce with every passing day. While Harry loves a good rom-com, he's never been one for applying the cliches to his own life, but it honestly feels like Louis completes him and nothing and can fill the chasm-like void that he's left.

Harry's not stupid, and he acknowledges that they clearly have a lot of work to do to repair things between them, although he's not entirely sure of exactly what those problems are. It's just really hard to do anything when Louis is on the other side of the fucking planet, refusing all of Harry's attempts to speak to him.

He sighs and leans his head back against the headrest, closing his eyes and letting the chatter of the passengers envelope him. He tunes into the conversation Esava is having with his wife, Florina, who is sitting on his other side. They've been married for over forty years and are returning to their home on Pandanus after visiting some of their family in Fiji. Listening to them talk about their family - which includes eight children, twenty-six grandchildren, and four great-grandchildren - both warms Harry's heart and breaks it a little bit too. He and Louis had talked about starting a family many, many times. It had been a constant in their future plans, an assumption, a when not an if. That was until Louis lost his sight.

Harry didn't see why that had to change anything. He wasn't ignorant enough to think it would be as easy, but Louis being blind is just an additional challenge for them to navigate in the overall process, not a complete road block. It's not like Louis' condition is hereditary or anything and he just didn't understand why it was such a big deal. More and more though, talk of their future family had become a source of arguments, and then of Louis shutting down, retreating further into his own world and out of Harry's reach.

It had been a gradual process, but looking back now, the signals were there. Perhaps Harry just didn't want to acknowledge them fully. Small things, tiny changes, a comment here or there, a smile that didn't reach Louis' eyes.

At the time, he'd dismissed so much of it as Louis just adjusting to things and needing time to build his confidence. Harry had done everything he could to make things easier for him. He'd brought consultants in to remodel the house and an interior designer to replace furniture and surfaces so that it was less dangerous for him to navigate. His assistant would ensure anywhere they went catered for Louis' needs as best as they could and Harry tried to spend more time at home, although that wasn't always possible. He encouraged Louis to continue his art, although that became a touchy subject when it was apparent Louis had no desire to go back to it, which is why Harry continues to be flummoxed that Louis has chosen this artist's retreat to disappear to.

The plane lurches as it goes through some turbulence and Esava gasps in surprise, grabbing onto Harry's hand reflexively.

They dip and dive a few more times before they pass through to clearer air and Esava releases Harry from his vice-like grip. "Sorry, sorry," he apologises. "Not much of a flyer."

Harry chuckles and he flexes his fingers to get the blood flowing again. "No problems. It's definitely not for everybody."

"Florina loves it," Esava offers.

Florina leans forward and looks around Esava at Harry, smiling and she shakes life back into her hand that Esava has obviously crushed too. "I do. It's like a rollercoaster."

She's a robust woman with an impressive chest that is almost spilling out of her top, grey and back hair pulled up into a tight bun, and a wide, white-toothed smile that pushes her cheeks out like the ripest of apples.

"Very true," Harry agrees.

"He usually just crushes my hand, so I'm glad you were here to share the load this time. Thank you," she says with a grin.

"You're welcome. I'm happy to be of service," Harry replies.

"Even after all these years, he still can't manage a bit of a bump," she teases.

Esava takes her hand once more, much more gently this time, and draws it up to his chest. "But you're my rock, my love, my anchor."

"You're such a romantic," she says and Esava leans over to plant a kiss on her cheek.

"I'll love you forever," Esava coos and Florina swats him playfully in the chest with her free hand, looking at him like he hung the stars and the moon.

Harry's heart thuds in his chest, painful and laboured, as Esava's words ring in his head. The same words that are imprinted on his brain. The same words Louis had used to end his note when he'd walked away from their life together and left Harry adrift in a sea of confusion and loss.

I'll love you forever.