And What If I Were You

Chapter 2 - Part 26

Friday, November 11, 2016

On the A6

Between Buxton and Chesterfield

5.15pm. On the way to meet Louis for a romantic weekend...

The setting sun filters through the trees, autumn clinging on to the last few precious weeks before the long winter will take hold. Leaves in yellows and oranges and auburns blanket the landscape in a vibrant patchwork, kicking up and swirling with each passing car before fluttering back to the ground.

The road twists and turns as Harry makes the familiar journey deeper into the Peak District on his way to the lakeside cottage. For a long time he thought he'd never return to this place, once such an important part of his rebirth from his failed career in the bright spotlight to some sense of normalcy and functionality in the normal world.

It feels right to be coming back here now though, the distance he's put between who he was and who is now having given him added perspective on those dark months spent wallowing and recovering and trying to find a way out of the depth of his misery. It's like a rite of passage, the final closure he needs to shut the book on that chapter of his life.

His return will be a triumphant one. He's no longer that broken man born of naivety and denial, who fell victim to the fragility of his success and how easily and quickly it could be ripped away from him.

He understands it better now, both the industry and himself. He's stronger and wiser, appreciative of his hard won success, and with a greater understanding of the fleeting nature of fame's beast. It's a high wire act and those who operate without a safety net are fools, and while he can acknowledge that he had once been firmly branded with that label, he isn't anymore.

He's thought about coming back to the lakeside cottage before, but the time had never seemed right, plagued with insecurities and uncertainties, worried that one misstep would see his career falter and he'd spiral once again.

Now though, as he is embarking on a new chapter with Louis by his side, the time is right, and it's Louis who is awaiting Harry's arrival at the cottage.

Harry knows Louis is aware of his struggles, of course, especially with so much of it available via a simple google search. They have spoken about some of it, although not in any great detail. He suspects Louis has questions and would like to delve deeper, but up until now he's been cautiously respectful, and Harry appreciates it.

He's been thinking a lot about what to share, how much of himself and his dark times to reveal, and while he does want to share some, he's not yet sure how open he wants to be. It's not that he wants to withhold anything from Louis, he loves him more and more every day and he knows in his heart that Louis is it for him, it's just... hard.

Harry feels like a different person from the man who spent those six months by the lake back then, when he'd spiralled out of control and had to reset his mind and body.

During the first few days he could barely muster the energy to get out of bed. Gradually though, he progressed to sitting by the fireside wrapped in a blanket and his own filth while he wallowed and bemoaned the unfairness of his lot in life.

By the time he'd finally managed to drag himself outside to sit on the dock and brave the sunshine, two whole weeks had passed, and his days became occupied with looking out over the water in the vain hope that the answers to all of his problems would magically materialise. They didn't of course, and he knew all too well that the answers he sought were inside of himself. He was so consumed with regret and disgust at the things he'd done and how far he'd sunk, but at least he was prepared to admit his failings, if only to himself and the ducks that would glide across the still surface of the water.