Lost Soul

He was sunshine, I was midnight rain

Filming had begun. Harry thought he'd have a hard time acting like Dorian, but no... It was all pretty easy. It was quite natural...

He liked the way Louis looked at him with loving eyes when they got home. He enjoyed talking to Louis, spending time with him, sharing the same bed with him…Harry didn't know if Louis loved him. He wasn't thinking anymore. Dorian or Harry, he wasn't giving a fuck about names anymore. The body that Louis adored, the soul he wanted was his. That was enough.

Sometimes he would wake up when the entire city was in silence. He thought involuntarily then. He didn't understand how he could be so weak. He didn't know why he let a man control him. How could he give another person the right to tear himself apart? How could he let someone use him like a toy? How could he just let a man who didn't even bother to say "I love you" destroy him? He didn't understand how the first person he saw when he looked in the mirror started to turn into Dorian, but it was happening. He was starting to lose himself. He was starting to hate himself. He's feeling like he shouldn't have born as Harry.

But in the morning, all these bad thoughts were giving way to love again. All evil vanished in Louis' arms. So he made himself believe the lies. Late at nights when nobody was around, he closed his eyes and told himself very quietly that he was Dorian.

⚓️

The incoming wind blew the curtains slightly. The sun didn't rise yet. Harry was looking like a work of art, with his hair scattered on the pillow and the marks on his neck proving what he had done last night. He was asleep.  Louis, on the other hand, was sitting on the floor in front of the mirror. He was sitting with Dorian.

"I've been confused lately." he said to his reflection. "Harry... He confuses me so much. I'm losing my fucking mind completely. It destroys my will, he breaks all my walls. Sometimes he makes me forget you. In fact, when I'm looking at him, I forget about you. I don't know how it's possible. How can he be so enchanting?" He sighed and looked at Harry, who was lying on the bed in all his glory. "I want him... In fact sometimes I want him more than I want you. And I don't know what to do. It's like there's an earthquake in my brain. I can't understand. For years there was only you. I thought I could only love you but here we are. His gaze penetrates my soul. The place he touches catches fire. I feel more at peace with him than I have ever felt. But I hurt him. Not on purpose. And I hate to hurt him. I hate myself for hurting him. But that's who I am. I'm a asshole who breaks his lovers heart. He is the only one who loves me and I'm not even able to love him the way he deserved. Sometimes I feel like a little defenseless child. I have his precious heart in my hands. And I don't have the strength to protect him. I'm not mature enough to appreciate his love. I don't want to believe this. I don't want to believe that someone could change my life like this, make me forget you. I don't want to forget you. But everything is getting out of my control. I'm losing my mind. I'm losing myself... I'm losing Harry... I'm losing you... I'm losing everything."

They were deceiving themselves. Both Louis and Harry. Everyone was fooling themselves. They believed their own lies. They even got so caught up in these lies that they thought they were God. They were starting to act like God in their own little world. Sometimes they took themselves to the top, sometimes they buried themselves in the ground. They fully believed that there was no one else who could do all this things to them. However, life did not consist of one's own little world. One day someone would come into their life and cause earthquakes, floods, storms in their world. Someone was coming out and stealing their hearts ,which they forgot existed, and tearing them apart. One day, someone was coming and tearing their souls. That's when they realized they weren't gods. And it was causing them unbearable pain.

Hi

The last paragraph was actually something I wrote in my diary, but I wanted to write it here as well.

What do you think of Louis, Harry and Dorian???