Lost Soul

Ultraviolence

Sometimes he felt that his soul was trying to leave his body. His soul was burning like he couldn't describe it. He couldn't breathe.He got out of bed. Louis was still asleep. How could he sleep? How did he manage to sleep peacefully when Harry couldn't even breathe?

Six months ago they married. The wedding was much more impressive than Harry could have imagined. But Harry still knew very little about Louis. He was learning slowly, he was in no hurry.

Being careful not to look at any of the mirrors in the room, he opened the window and let the cold air hit his face. No, he didn't want to see his own reflection anymore. The person in the mirror was not him. That reflection belonged to someone else.

He hugged his morning gown tightly as the cold air made him shiver. The sun was just rising, painting the sky with the most beautiful hues on God's canvas.

Harry, on the other hand, felt very foreign to this place. As if he didn't belong here. As if he didn't belong here, in this life, in this body... He felt like he was watching from a vital screen. He had no effect on his own life, he was just a spectator.

When he agreed to marry Louis, he thought  he would feel better day by day, but he was wrong. The spaces between him and his life're getting bigger and bigger with each passing day.

He tried to explain this to Louis. But Louis didn't care. Just like he had said at first, he didn't care about Harry's feelings. At the beginning of their marriage, he regarded Louis as God. He was almost adoring him. All he wanted was Louis. He didn't need anyone else. He didn't even need himself. But he also knew very well that he was an idiot who only believed in simple lies. He had been deceived. He had been deceived by life, just like other stupid people. He was not the first to be deceived by life, and he was not the last.

He could no longer escape. He didn't want to run either. It was hard to escape, it took courage. Harry was a coward. A coward with nowhere to go. A coward who is well aware that the person he belongs to is the same person who destroyed him. A coward in love. A coward who still loves.

He trembled when he felt Louis' hands on his waist.

"Good morning my love."

Louis was treating him well. He chose this life. He couldn't blame Louis. He was the coward one. It was he who gave his soul to another. He was the one who gave himself completely to someone else. It wasn't Louis' fault.

"Why did you wake up so early baby?"

I can't sleep.

"I like watching the sun rise."

“Do you know the story of Icarus, my love? Some say that he came close to the Sun because he was too arrogant. I disagree. Icarus was in love with the Sun, baby. He loved the Sun so much that he knew it would tear him to pieces. The Sun hurt him, and Icarus allowed it. Because he also knew that the Sun had nothing else to do. Sun couldn't hold Icarus without killing him. Sun could only love him like that, couldn't be gentle with Icarus. It was against the wild nature of the Sun, which had deadly explosions in it. The Sun was too big, too angry, too rebellious, too strong, too wild... So every time the sun touched Icarus, it brought him closer to death. It was an eternal love. It was a love so sublime that not everyone could understand. It was a great love."

Harry knew exactly what he meant. Louis was the man who saved his life and ended it at the same time. Harry didn't die like Icarus. Harry's death was much slower, much more painful...

Louis was a thief. But what he stole wasn't money. It would be pretty ridiculous to say he's stealing hearts. Louis was stealing souls. Louis was taking people's past and future. Harry didn't wanna live. He didn't want to die anymore either. He just wanted to be Louis's.

Sometimes it was reassuring to be here, completely belonging to the man he loved. He knew what was going to happen to him.

He would win awards, he would be applauded, he would walk the red carpet, he would make new movies. Louis would kiss him and tell him how proud he was. And Harry would thank the owner of his soul who had torn him to pieces. Sometimes people would call him Harry. He would shudder when he heard that name. This name lost in the dusty pages of history. Harry Styles... It would sound like a stranger's name to him. While all this was going on, Louis would always be by his side. While all this was going on, Louis would always be there, while Harry was losing his soul more and more each day...