Lost Soul

For your love

This was one of those mornings when Louis opened his eyes alone. It had been sixteen days since Harry had been gone. 384 hours without Harry.

Louis wasn't hurt anymore. His heart was not scorched by the pain of longing, and the air he breathed did not cause him to feel pain in his lungs.

Of course, his heart was broken when Harry walked out. The last time Louis saw his beautiful eyes was when Harry was crying. It had been sixteen days since Louis heard the voice he loved so much. He had touched the body he adored for the last time sixteen days ago.

And on the other hand there was Dorian, of course. He had left Louis like Harry. Louis thought Dorian would never left him, but he did. Everyone would go, and Dorian was gone too. In fact, Dorian's leaving was more shocking to Louis than Harry's. Something inside him always said that Harry would left him, but no one had warned him that Dorian might go. Now Louis was afraid to look in the mirror. The reflection in the mirror seemed so foreign to him.

Harry and Dorian. Dorian and Harry. There was a thin line between them. Louis confused the two, sometimes wondering who he had shared a bed with for months. He was confused. Storms were brewing in his mind. He had hard time figuring out who he had lost. Harry was angry with him, he knew it, but he couldn't understand why Harry was angry with him. He couldn't understand why Harry had called him crazy. He knew only one thing: he had lost Harry.

It was heartbreaking to know all this, but the heartbreak didn't last forever. A few sleepless nights, empty bottles of expensive whisky, hurtful songs, and a pack of cigarettes were all it took to ease the pain. Time would mend a broken heart, and the alcohol running through his veins would minimize the pain in this process.

Yes, Louis' heart was no longer broken. After all those nights of watching the sun rise with tears, Louis' heart had turned to stone.

He knew that this much mourning was enough. He couldn't wait for Harry to come back for the rest of his life. Harry was gone, he had chosen to go. Louis wasn't going to beg him to come back.

After sixteen days, which seemed like a century to Louis, he had also decided not to file for divorce. If Harry was able to leave Louis ignoring everything they'd been through, then he'd have to deal with suing himself. Louis wouldn't waste his time to get a divorce.

There was also the movie. Many scenes with Harry had already been shot, the sequel could have been shot without Harry. Still, he didn't like the idea that Harry wouldn't be there to comfort him when he got angry on set.

Louis didn't know where Harry was right now. This uncertainty also bothered him. The idea of Harry being in the arms of a strangr now, drove Louis crazy. Harry wouldn't do it, one of his inner voices said. He wouldn't moan other men's names without divorcing you. But that wasn't the only voice in Louis' mind. There were other voices too, and these voices were whispering bad things to Louis. Besides, the idea of being cheated on wasn't the only thing that bothered Louis. Harry might be needing him right now. Maybe he was sick. Perhaps something far worse had happened to him. And in none of the scenarios Louis was there to save him.

While Louis was thinking all this, Harry's situation was far more different than he could have imagined. He wasn't cheating on Louis with men he didn't know in bar corners, he wasn't struggling with serious illnesses.

Harry was now in a cozy home with a woman who was lovingly caring for him. The motherly love that Louis had swept away had become Harry's refuge.

He was enjoying the soup that Johannah had prepared and he studying Louis' old photo albums on the other. Johannah was a very beautiful woman. Louis was such a sweet boy.

Harry found the little version of his husband so cute, he had looked every photo of him for minutes to be able to memorize them.

"He was such a cute kid," said Harry.

“He was,” Johannah agreed with longing eyes. "He loved me so much, he used to do all kinds of cuteness. Then he changed. I don't know why, I have no idea who made my son like this, but one day, when I came home, my Louis was gone and replaced by someone else."

"It must have been the day he met Dorian," muttered Harry. "They met after his performance at school."

"Weren't you Dorian?"

"I was. Louis wanted me to be Dorian. But his Dorian is someone different."

An angry expression appeared on Johannah's face, her eyes filling with tears. It was hard for her to hear the name of the person who darkened his son's life. It hurt to not be able to protect his son.

"Dorian," she said, disgusted by the name coming out of his mouth. "Who is this boy? Someone from Louis' school?"

"Actually yes," said Harry, not knowing how to explain the situation. "It's hard to believe, but Dorian is someone Louis created in his head. Louis gave his own reflection a name."

“What?” Johannah looked like she was going to fall and pass out in a moment. She was breathing heavily, trembling with fear.

“Years later, he decided to make a movie about Dorian. I don't know what he was thinking, but he started to turn me into Dorian. I was too weak to handle all this. I couldn't stand being Dorian. I walked out the door, leaving Louis alone in such a difficult situation."

“I gave up too,” Johannah muttered. "I had to helplessly watch my son walk away from me, forget about me. Louis is such a different person. It's very difficult to reach him. It's impossible."

"I thought so too, but it's not. I think I know how to reach Louis, how to get his attention."

Louis might seem complicated to someone unfamiliar with Louis' relationship with Dorian, but Harry had learned to be Dorian. Although he was tired of being Dorian, he knew how Dorian thought. He knew how to be Dorian. It would be Dorian again, but this time he would not surrender himself to Louis. He would be Dorian and save Louis.