Crash Into Me (Into Me Series Book One)

Chapter Eight - Golden

Jet's POV

I am so fucking screwed.

I continue to stare at the part of my ceiling that I always seem to focus on. I have tried everything. Benadryl, melatonin, NyQuil, ZzzQuil. Nothing is touching me. I look over to the clock on my side table. 3:41am.

I am so fucking screwed.

They never tell you in nursing school or in orientation about how you will never forget some sounds, some feelings, some sights. They haunt you, following your every move, breathing down your neck and grasping the breath right from your chest the second you think everything is okay.

I'm not sure which memory specifically is keeping me awake tonight. I think it's sort of a mixture of mothers screaming for their children and children screaming for their mothers. Ribs cracking beneath my hands. Blood covering my shoes and soaking through to my socks. The light dimming from someone's eyes as they take their final breath. The grim reaper standing over a patient as I fight my hardest to keep them away.

I feel the tears start rolling down my face before I even have the chance to stop them. I'm fucking sick of crying. The amount of crying I have done lately is really starting to piss me off.

I turn on my side and see nothing but an empty space next to me. I pull a pillow into my chest, sinking my face into it. It smells very faintly of Theo's cologne, making me push it away from me.

"Clearly you don't have any fucking respect for yourself," Theo spat.

I close my eyes and will the thought to get the fuck out of my head. Just get out of your head Jet! I sit up abruptly, my breath getting quick and shallow. I swallow hard as strangling pain takes over my chest, making it next to impossible to get a good breath in. Breathe Jet! I throw the covers off of my legs and run to the bathroom, turning the shower on as cold as I can. My breaths get even quicker and I force myself to jump in the freezing cold water.

My body scrunches up, a huge breath inflating my lungs as I try to get used to the cold water. The pressure in my chest begins fading as my breathing becomes more regular. I lean against the shower wall, closing my eyes, and try to focus on the feeling of the water droplets hitting my skin.

Why is something as simple as sleep so difficult? Why am I not capable of closing my eyes, shutting off my brain, and sleeping? Humans need sleep. I need sleep. I need desperately to sleep. I cannot continue on the way that I am without having a full-blown mental breakdown that leads to a hospital admission due to exhaustion. I just need to sleep. I can do that. I can sleep. I am capable of that. I can do difficult things, impossible things, genius things. If I can do all of that, I can also sleep.

I shut off the water and step out, grabbing my towel from the rack. I take off my soaking-wet clothes and drop them into the shower. My eyes catch my reflection and I look away quickly. I wrap myself up in my towel and walk back out to my bedroom. I find my phone and unlock it, searching through my contacts until I find Caroline's. I hit call and wait.

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring- "Hey this is Caroline, I can't talk righ-"

I hang up before it asks me to leave a voicemail. I scroll again and find Brian's. I'm about to call when I think of his four-year-old and wife. He's always exhausted, I don't need to burden him with my problems too. I huff and sit back down on the edge of my bed. I try Adelaide but get the same result as Caroline. My finger hovers over Theo's contact, desperate for human contact. I decide against it. I hit a contact and bring my phone back up to my ear.

Ring, ring, ri- "Jet?" a tired voice asks, "What's wrong? Are you okay?" Dr. Evans asks.
This was a mistake. "Yeah, I-I'm fine. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have bothered you, go back to sleep-"
"Jet, what's going on?"
"Nothing, I'm fine, I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking, just go back to sleep Dr. Evans, I'll see you in the morn-"
"Jet." I swallow hard and try my best to not break out into tears again. "What's wrong?" I open my mouth to respond but he beats me to it. "And don't say nothing, cause something clearly is."