Crash Into Me (Into Me Series Book One)

Chapter Twenty Five - Need

Jet's POV

The sound of the door of the on-call room opening startles me awake. Instantly, I'm confused. Once someone badges into an on-call room for the night, it locks it to all other badge swipes except for security or in case of an emergency to ensure privacy and so no one barges in on you sleeping. I remember locking mine, so why is the door open?

I flip on my side, squinting at the bright light flooding in from the open door. I tuck the blankets around my bare chest. Like I've said before, I sleep naked. What time is it? I feel like I've only slept for maybe an hour. My eyes fall on the tall shadow in the doorframe. I recognize his silhouette almost immediately. I groan and flip back over on to my side so my back faces him as he closes the door behind him, locking it.

"What do you want, Jackson?" I grumble.
He doesn't respond. Rather, the sound of him undoing his belt, unbuttoning his pants, and taking off his clothes responds for him. I sit up abruptly, the covers sliding down off of my bare chest, and glare at him. "What the fuck do you think you're doing? And how the fuck did you get in here?"

Jackson still withholds a response, pushing the covers back and getting into bed with me, despite my efforts to keep him out. His arms snake around me and pull me into him so that my head is resting on his chest. He kisses my forehead and sighs, relaxing into the tiny ass twin bed beneath us. I'm too exhausted to fight him right now and after all the shit I saw earlier in the ER, I need a safe place to feel my emotions out. But I also currently fucking hate his guts. I'm so confused.

"I'm sorry," he whispers.
I look up and him and notice that he's crying, my heart shattering as the pit in my stomach grows, "I know."
"That wasn't me and that wasn't fair to you, I said things that are completely unforgivable," he says in a hushed tone. "I- I will never forgive myself for what I did to you. I'm such a fucking idiot, Jet. I- I- I want a life with you and I destroyed any chance of that happening."
"Yeah... you said some incredibly hurtful shit," I agree.
Jackson nods, "I know. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry Jet. I'm so fucking sorry."

He buries his face in my neck, pulling me as close as he can to his body as he sobs, repeating "I'm sorry" over and over again like a broken record. Our bare chests touch, the familiar warmth of his body melting away the anger I feel. I look down at him and see the broken boy I fell in love with, not the angry, spiteful man I came home to the other day. Tears begin to build in my eyes. I tighten my grasp around him, kissing the crown of his head. For some reason, this makes Jackson sob even harder, his tears running down my neck.

I grab his face and make him look at me, our eyes locked. His soften just a little when they find mine like they always do. I'm so fucking confused. Everything is tangled. I love him but I hate him. He's noble but he's ruthless. He's brave but he's cowardly. He's strong but he's so incredibly weak.

But then again... isn't everyone?

"Jet, please, say something to me," he begs, voice hitching.
"I- I-" my voice falters, the words getting stuck in my throat. I take a deep breath and try again, "I hate you, Jackson." I watch as my words settle on him. A conversation within himself takes place in his eyes as he searches my face. I keep him inches from me, watching as he tries to make sense of what I said. "Does hurting me make you feel good or something?" I ask.
"No, Jet-"
"The way you spat your words at me, like you meant them with every cell in your body, I just- I mean- FUCK, Jackson." I rub the tears from under my eyes aggressively. "What is going on, Jackson? What hurt you so badly?"
"I- I don't want to talk about it-"
"No! Fucking tell me! I deserve to know!"
"Jet, I'm fine!"
"No, you're fucking not. You fucked up the good thing we had going, you destroyed it within a five-minute conversation. Just fucking talk to me, Jackson! Why won't you let me in? Why don't you trust me enough to let me in?"
"It's not that I don't trust you, Jet-"
"Then what is it?!"
"I- I don't know-"
"What, do you think you're being strong? Do you think you're protecting me? I'm not some delicate little flower, Jackson. I don't need protecting."
"I know that-"
"I'm not sure who taught you that love comes with limits and conditions, but that's not the fucking truth, Jackson, not when it comes to me. I see that you're in pain. I see that you're hurting. You brushed me off once and I fucking let you and it wrecked both of us. So just fucking tell me what's going on!!!"
"What, you think I want you to swoop in on a white horse every time I'm hurting and fix everything for me? You think I like being the little bitch that runs to his girlfriend every time he's hurt? You changed me, Jet. You made me into this person that relies on other people and trusts them and cares about them. I can't get you out of my fucking head! If you hate me so much, why are you holding me?!"
"Because I can't live without you, damn it! I need you! I am fucking miserable without you! I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't breathe when you're not with me! You are everything to me, Jackson."
"Then let me love you!"
"I fucking hate you!"