Beginning//5sos ✔️

10.

"i-i just don't know how i'm going to do this without her. she's supposed to be here with me." i sobbed as i clung onto ashton for dear life.

"i know, and she will be. give her time scarlet." ashton spoke calmly as he rocked me back and forth.

a couple moments later, i heard the door open and a red-faced calum run in.

"what's wrong?" calum asked as he walked up to us.

"she had a panic attack in the hall." ashton spoke softly.

"sweet girl." calum sighed as he opened his arms.

i gently left ashton's and fell into his.

"it's too m-much." i mumbled.

"not for you. the world will only give you what you can handle." ashton spoke.

"i don't know i-if i can do this." i stuttered.

"you pull the strings here love. we aren't going to make a decision for you." calum replied as he held me close.

"i-it's not about the baby. i want the baby. i-i just don't know if i can do this." i whispered as i slowly backed away.

"do what exactly?" ashton asked slowly.

"i can't do this if my mom won't remember me. i-i don't want to do this if she won't." i replied.

both calum and ashton stayed silent for a moment before calum spoke up, "if you're going to do this, it has to be for you. it can't be for your mother or anyone other than you. you are going to be this baby's mom, not mavis."

i slowly nodded in reply.

he had a point.

"i've had enough hospital for a day." i spoke as i wiped the remaining tears away.

"i'm on my lunch, i'll drive her to our house and let her get situated." ashton smiled softly as he led me out of the room.

i quietly thanked him before saying goodbye to calum and heading downstairs to the car.

"i'm sorry." i rushed out as soon as we were driving.

"sorry for what? you have absolutely no reason to apologize." ashton replied.

"i'm sorry for freaking out in the hallway." i spoke.

"i don't know a single person who wouldn't have. what happened was extremely stressful. you had every right to break down." ashton replied as we pulled into the driveway.

ashton and i hopped out of the car and he brought me upstairs where i had a few of my clothes that i forgot at his house.

"i need to head back to the hospital, but do you need anything before i go?" ashton asked as he looked down at his watch.

"no, i'm good. have a good rest of the day at work." i replied with a tiny smile.

ashton chuckled and waved goodbye before walking down the stairs.

as soon as i heard the door shut, i laid down on the bed and sighed.

this was only the beginning of my new life.

i decided i was going to take a shower and quickly went into the restroom and turned the water on.

TRIGGER WARNING

i looked down at my wrist and saw the reminder of when life became just a little too hard.

i didn't attempt suicide, but i coped with my pain in a way no one could possibly understand.

the only difference is that i only did it once, and it left a nasty scar.

i tore my eyes away from the scar until i locked eyes with a familiar shiny piece of metal.

i gently picked up the razor and pried the blades out with a pair of scissors.

i held it in my hand as i stared down at my wrist.

one cut couldn't hurt. it's not like i could become addicted from one cut.

i slowly slid it across my wrist and felt that sting before i set the blade down.

i watched as the white underneath turned to red before i held my wrist under water.

it wasn't that deep. i would be fine.

i quickly hopped in the shower and grabbed a bandaid and put it on my wrist.

i cut my self shaving.

i changed into a baggy t-shirt and sweats before heading downstairs on the couch.

i decided to turn on criminal minds while i waited for the boys to come home.

after a couple hours, they came through the door looking exhausted.

"i'm judging by how you all look, pizza sounds good?" i chuckled as i grabbed my phone.

"pizza sounds amazing." luke groaned as he plopped down on the couch.

i nodded and quickly called in 2 pepperoni pizza's before sitting back down on the couch.

"how's my mom?" i asked as i looked over at calum.

"she's doing good. we're sending her back home tomorrow." calum spoke with a smile.

i nodded.

"you guys can go up and shower, i'll get the food." i smiled as i motioned for them to go upstairs.

that's all it took for all but ashton to go sprinting upstairs.

"whats up?" i asked slowly.

"what happened here?" he asked as he pointed to the inside of my wrist.

"shaving accident." i shrugged.

"you were shaving the inside of your wrist?" ashton spoke slowly.

maybe that wasn't the best excuse to use...