The crow and the beast - Kaz brekker

chapter 20 - the things he lost

Kaz was pacing around his room when jesper entered is room. "boss, its been 24 hours now, she is not coming back."

"don't you think I know that?!" kaz snapped at jesper. However jesper did not even flinch as he saw the reaction coming from a mile away.

"wel, we need your expertise boss, the dime lions have been seen on our territory again." Kaz cocked an eyebrow.

"send inej to investigate" jesper nodded and left the room.

kaz hadn't slept. He had been pacing and thinking all night. he felt horrible, he regretted that he hadn't told Cara about his plan before. Everything could have been avoided. But on the other side she deserved better than ketterdam, she deserved a better man in her life then him.

he looked around his room, few things of her remained there. The picture of her and her mom and the wooden wolf on the dresser. Her clothes in the closet. His eyes landed on a book on the table. Of course her book! He walked towards the table and picked it up.

he decided to take the book with him to the crow club so he put it underneath his coat and made his way towards the club. He settled in his office and started on the paperwork. Completely forgetting the time it was almost evening by the time somebody came in to bring him dinner.

his mind wandered again and when he stood up to return his plate he felt the book underneath his coat again. He put his plate back down and took the book out of his coat again. Maybe it would give him a clue about where Cara went.

he opened the book at the front and quickly realized it wasn't just a book, it was Cara's diary. He should feel awful for reading it but at this moment he did not care. He quickly read the first pages. It told about her and her mom, how she hated language lessons and how she loved to observe people and even help them without them knowing.

at some point the diary had a time jump and kaz realized this was the time she was held captive in the pits. His stomach turned when he remembered how heartbroken she had looked.

he turned more pages and his eyes fell on a paragraph of text that was written a little different than the others, he also saw some smudges of what were most likely tears.

'I understand why everybody wants my kind dead. We really are monsters. I killed mom. I wanted her to kill me, I saw her eyes in that pit and I knew she did not recognize me. The guards made sure it was known to be a fight to the death so I wanted to die. I did not want to kill my own mother, she was the only thing I have left.

but I killed her. I remember her blood on my claws, I remember her whimpers. I remember when she stopped fighting me and instead tried to get away from me. I remember the snap of her neck as I broke it. I remember her lifeless eyes staring at me. I think she recognized me in her final moments.

I am a monster'

Kaz couldn't read anymore and slammed the book shut. He was angry at everybody that made her go through that but mostly he was angry at himself.

he felt a slight breeze go through the room and he knew. "what is your report inej?" he did not even look at her.

"kaz it's bad. the dime lions have formed an alliance with both the razorgulls and the black tips to get rid of the dregs. Now that Cara is gone they agreed the dregs are the weak link and should be removed to make room for their expansion."

Kaz let that sink in for a moment. This was indeed bad no this was a death sentence. There was no way the dregs could win. He felt hopelessness take over but he couldn't show that.

"alright I understand, find out as much as you can and when they plan to attack." He did not hear inej respond but he knew she was gone. He also knew that she was upset with him, she knew it was his fault that Cara left.

he slammed his hand on the table. Everything was going to shit and there was nothing he could do about it. But he wouldn't give up so easily and decided he needed to make as many preparations as possible. So he got up, put on his coat again, shoved the book inside and headed back to the slat.

once there he ordered some dregs to fortify the building from the inside, nothing should be seen from the outside, he also ordered to bring as many weapons as they could towards the slat. He knew that would be the first building to be attacked. He knew rollins would try to keep the crow club intact so he could take that over.

once he was done ordering people around he went upstairs and collapsed into his chair at his desk.

he took the book out of his coat again and put it on the table. It was still his only lead to where Cara could be.

he opened the book and immediately his eyes fell on a drawing she had made. It was of him in the warehouse when they questioned the informant. He was sitting on a crate with both his hands on his cane. All the text that went with it was 'the mystery that is kaz brekker'

before he could form any sort of emotions from it he turned to the next page. There was only a drawing on this page. It was of a crow and a wolf together. Kaz quickly turned another few pages until his eyes landed on another drawing.

it was a drawing of him and elvis. He was standing in front of the horse, one hand on his cane the other on the horse's nose. He was seeing the world through her eyes. There was a page full of text but his eyes went over it fast only lingering on a few sentences again.

'he wants everybody to believe he is a bad man, a cruel person that will stop at nothing to get what he wants. But today I saw a different man. I think I saw the man he hides underneath his armour. I admit I care deeply for him, some could even say I am falling hard for the man. I hope he someday he will open up to me.'

kaz remembered that day, she had asked him if he trust her. he didn't easily trust people but with her it was different, he had trusted her from the moment she had saved him in the streets. But he couldn't linger now, he needed to find her so he turned another few pages.

the next page he lingered on was a page where there was a drawing of him on a boat, looking out at sea. There was only one line of text next to the drawing.

'just for this view I would get on a boat with you again'

he smirked at that line and turned another page.

he immediately saw the drawing again. He was on elvis this time. The sea behind them. elvis stood proudly and he realized this was the day they had raced on the beach. The drawing was from cara's view again as he was looking straight at her, smiling.

that day he had managed to forget about everything and live right then and there, nobody had been able to do that for him and he felt truly happy.

there was another paragraph of text on the other page.

'kaz brekker, the man of many suprises. Who knew he could ride a horse that well, if I knew I wouldn't have raced him. almost every day he shows me something I don't know about him yet. And I love every single new thing I learn about him.

I realize now that I would fight till my bitter end for this man. He has gone through so much but is fighting so hard, I can see it in everything he does and I am so grateful for every little touch we have. I will cherish every moment with him forever.

he is both the strongest and most handsome man I have ever met and I am the luckiest girl alive to be able to say that he is mine.

note to self: never tell him I call him handsome because he will never shut up about it'

Kaz smiled for a second but that only lasted for a few seconds as he immediately realized that he had lost all of that. He turned more pages but it was blank. He shut the book and threw it away, it it the wall and landed on the floor below.

he screamed out of frustration. Where had she gone, where could she have gone.

"come on man think, focus for once I your life." He said it out loud. He looked around his room. Then he realized something, his desk had been clean when he came back. He was sure that it was a mess when he left. Could she have seen his note?

he quickly looked at the stack of papers on his desk and found the note sitting on top. Of course! That was it! She had gone to her uncle! She was safe.

he released a sign, at least she was safe. She was where she belonged.

suddenly his door flew open and in stormed inej. This was very unusual for her and kaz was immediately alarmed. "they are attacking tomorrow night." kaz's eyes flew open.

there was no time to prepare anything, they would die tomorrow.

jesper entered the room now to. As both him and inej waited for his answer.

"I have found Cara" he simply said. Both their mouths fell open. He explained to them the research he has done and that's he had gone off to her uncle.

inej was the first one to talk. "you should go to her." he debated it for a moment but shook his head.

"if I leave town now and any gang sees it they will attack immediately, I cannot leave."

"then we go get her for you." He looked up at them.

"she will never come with you, we broke every ounce of trust we had with her." he did not show it but inside he was fighting his emotions.

"let us try" inej said. Kaz broke and grabbed a piece of paper with the research he had done.

"you will never make it back in time, it's a day ride at least to even get there" kaz furrowed his brows. 

jesper smiled. "never say never"