"𝐴𝑙𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ 𝑤𝑒'𝑟𝑒 𝑎𝑙𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑦 𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑟,
𝐼 𝑠𝑒𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑜𝑛 𝑚𝑦 𝑟𝑒𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑎𝑠,
𝑖𝑡 𝑐𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑒𝑠 𝑚𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑚𝑦 𝑓𝑟𝑒𝑒𝑑𝑜𝑚"
❛ 𝑴𝒊𝒏𝒉𝒚𝒖𝒏𝒍𝒊𝒙
❛ 𝒕𝒘𝒔: 𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒎 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒂 𝒑𝒂𝒏𝒊𝒄 𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒂𝒄𝒌
❛ 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒔: 1284
***
"Hyunjin! Wait the fuck now!" he hears his friends screaming behind him. He keeps walking forward, speeding a little without turning back.
The suffocating feeling inside him is swallowing him. It's getting hard to breathe, hard to think. Everything is so fucking hard.
There's an itch under his skin that didn't go away when he cut earlier, deep into his own skin and flesh. It felt good. So fucking good. It didn't help the itch, the urge to rip his skin open again and again and again. Until he bleeds to death.
There wasn't enough crimson. It didn't sate him enough. It felt good but only temporarily. Like it always does.
He needed to stop since his hands started to shake uncontrollably and got too weak. Tbe blade dropped onto the floor and stayed there.
Until his friends found it there, in the puddle of red.
Hyunjin could never forget those faces. He could never erase them, replace them. He could never. The faces of his friends at that moment are going to haunt him forever, make their way into his nightmares.
He wants to close his eyes so he couldn't see them, see anything. He wants to scream his heart out, until his lungs burn for air.
He wants to be gone so he couldn't feel anything.
He keeps walking with sore legs, burning even more. He heads towards an unknown destination. He just wants out here, out of his skin, out of his body.
"Hyunjin! Come on, where are you going?" he hears Felix shouting.
Why do they care? Why are they so caring, so friendly, so... He doesn't understand. Why are they so perfect? Such good friends? He can't fucking understand.
Why do they care about him? Why do they do this?
Something inside of him snaps and he finds himself losing control. The control of his mind, his body, his surroundings, the reality- it all slips through his fingers.
He stops in his steps sharply and turns around. His two friends reach him in no time, panting and out of breath.
"Hyunjin, what the fuck? What's going on?" Minho, his older friend, asks as he breaths heavily.
"Yeah, you're scaring us. Is everything okay?" Felix continues.
They're both looking at Hyunjin. Hyunjin can't stand looking back at them. He can see the worry, the confusion, the unanswered and silent questions in their eyes.
He sees red.
"What is going on? What is going on!? I'll tell you what is going on! I can't fucking stand this! This!" he motions around with his hands. "It's all fucking too much! Everything is too much! I can't fucking stand myself, I feel so disgusted!" he can feel the unshed tears burning his eyes. He blinks them away angrily. "Everything isn't fucking okay, okay? Nothing is okay! Look at me! I'm so disgusting! I hate myself! I hate everything! I want this all to be gone" his voice quietens down.
His out of breath. He feels terrible. Why is he even alive still?
He turns away, he can't look at the two right now. Not right now. Can't they just go away? Why are they still here?
"Hyunjin..." he hears Minho calling quietly, unsurely. Hyunjin sniffles and wipes forcefully the tears away from his eyes. He wants to apologize. He needs to say sorry because he is sorry. He feels fucking terrible.
"W-we didn't know... that you've been feeling like this... we're sorry" he can hear the tears in Felix's voice. Why is Felix crying? He hasn't done anything. Felix is always so sweet, so kind, so perfect... And now Hyunjin has made him cry.
Hyunjin feels the hatred growing inside of himself. The suffocating feeling is weighing down on him, squeezing him.
He can't find his voice. It's gone. He tries to take a deep breath but it cuts short.
"Hyunie, can you tell us what you need right now? If you want to be alone or... maybe talk to someone? It's up to you though" Minho offers.
"Yeah, whatever that would make you feel better, I don't- we don't want you to h-hurt yourself" Felix adds.
Hyunjin hesitates. He turns around slowly, facing the other two. They look hesitant as well, eyeing their tall friend carefully.
Hyunjin feels the distress storming in him. What does he need? How could he fucking know? Die? Be gone? Tear his skin and bleed to death? Pain?
Does he want to be alone? Yes. Yes, he does. But he also craves comfort. Deep inside him is that little boy crying for someone to comfort him. To take the pain away.
If he doesn't do anything, he knows he'll panic. He already had a panic attack earlier today, pulled his newly dyed hair and fisted his tights as hard as he could.
It feels like whatever he decides, whatever he does, it all makes him even weaker than he is now.
He inhales and exhales. "I-I don't know. I honestly don't know" he mumbles. "I'm sorry" is all he's sure about right now. He isn't sure what kind of an answer the others even expect.
"Don't say sorry, Jinnie, it's okay" he hears Felix reassuring but it doesn't make Hyunjin feel better in the slightest. It's sort of funny.
They act as if Hyunjin is the victim here. He isn't. He's a monster. Minho and Felix should be running away, leaving. They should be scared, disgusted.
They shouldn't be friends with Hyunjin. How can they be with a person like him? Hell, Hyunjin can't even stand himself sometimes, so how could someone else do it?
"We could go home? It's getting late..." Minho offers and Hyunjin finds himself nodding lightly. It sounds okay. He could do that. "You don't have to explain yourself to us, Hyunie, if you don't want to... please take the time you need, there's no hurry, but I do recommend you to still talk to someone" Minho continues and he's right.
Minho's always right and Hyunjin should listen to him more often. He nods, suddenly feeling guilty and embarrassed. He's such a mess.
They head to their shared apartment. Nobody says anything. At the same time Hyunjin wants to open his mouth and tell them more. He wants to express himself better, wants to find the right words and phrase them in the right way. He wants to be understood.
He wants to understand himself.
At the same time though he wants to shut up and disappear, run away. He wants to bury himself, to just stop existing.
At some point Hyunjin feels Felix's fingers brushing against his own and he lets the younger intertwine their fingers. The contact feels a bit uncomfortable, almost like caging. But as they're walking hand in hand, with Minho walking behind them, Hyunjin feels safe and sound. Something he isn't familiar with but something he admits he likes.
The suffocating feeling, the panic, the stress, everything, is slowly but surely clearing away. Making space for clearer thinking and the control again. The superficial and momentary itch bubbling under his skin is easing. It never lasts for long and is actually pretty shallow in the end. Hyunjin hates that feeling but right now he tries and focuses on other things.
He doesn't know what is wrong with himself. Maybe he'll never know. He just has to try and control himself, get himself collected and built back up again.
Maybe that's why he has friends, not to pity him but to just be his friends. Hyunjin lets them.
