"𝐵𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑑𝑒𝑒𝑝 𝑡𝑖𝑟𝑒𝑑𝑛𝑒𝑠𝑠,
𝐼 𝑘𝑒𝑒𝑝 𝑚𝑦 𝑒𝑦𝑒𝑠 𝑤𝑖𝑑𝑒,
𝑠𝑜 𝐼 𝑤𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑𝑛'𝑡 𝑠𝑒𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢"
❛ 𝑱𝒊𝒔𝒖𝒏𝒈
❛ 𝒕𝒘𝒔: 𝑱𝒊𝒔𝒖𝒏𝒈'𝒔 𝒎𝒐𝒎'𝒔 𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒉𝒆' 𝒔𝒂𝒅
❛ 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒔: 1083
***
It's different to miss someone who isn't here on this planet Earth anymore. To yearn from the bottom of your heart, with your whole soul. To yearn someone who no longer walks on the same solid ground or breathes the same thin air. It all is different. If one hasn't experienced that kind of paining yearning, it may be difficult to imagine that kind of a situation. It may be- no, it certainly is difficult, to try and empathize and feel that kind of pain.
Seeing, that kind of pain is so, so different. Why would anyone even want and try to imagine it? To try and feel it? Why? Just why?
Nothing and no one prepares one for it and once it comes, it hits you straight in the face and never misses.
Jisung would have never guessed he finds himself in this kind of misery, in this kind of pain. The images of his headstrong and undisturbed self feeling defeated this way, are painingly true now. And only now does he discover himself in a newly found way. Yes, in fact, he isn't as tenacious and strong as he thought he was. His mind isn't as tough and adamant as he thought it was.
It's scary too. How one thing, which can be small and negligible from the universe's point of view, is so crushing and shattering to a little human being.
Crying feels helpless. He's been doing that too much. In fact, it feels as much as if he's ever to feel tearful again, he'll get sick of it. It feels impossible at this point though. His eyes sting but he refuses to cry. He pushes the emotions and the feelings away.
Since that day, it has been as if a part of him is missing.
It's hard to explain it.
It's as if he's missing his whole body. It's as if he can't feel it physically or can't reach it emotionally. He can't get a hold onto it and keep it in his grip. At the same it's as if there was only a small but even more significant piece of him gone.
He can't feel where it hurts the most so he has accepted it hurts all over him. On his skin, in his soul.
His heart has bled dry. It doesn't bring him the feeling of living, functioning human being. He feels cold, bleak, hollow.
It's different, unpleasantly and hatefully. He hates it.
...
He's a shitty friend.
Felix came over to him a couple of days ago. The words coming out of his friend's mouth were like bullets shot straight to Jisung's chest, piercing his heart.
It hurt. He could nearly feel it physically too, the shock, the pain in his chest. The squeezing feeling left him speechless and taken aback for days.
Lee Felix- one of his dearest friends, confessed to him. And what to be exact? His crush on the day older boy.
It came so out of nowhere. How could one even react to something like that? How could one handle something like that? And in the correct, valid way? Jisung doesn't know. He wishes he did though.
His blond friend sounded so authentic, without any filters. He sounded and looked so truthful, with his eyes glossed and cheeks blushed. Even if they had both been in the house party and both of their breaths already smelled like booze, Jisung knew neither of them were too drunk yet.
And that is how he lost a friend he needs the most. And whilst Lee Felix is gone, so is the sun in Jisung's days and the moon is his nights.
Neither of them are in the terms to talk or even look at each other. There is this tension between them that could be broken by simply apologizing. Jisung is a coward though. He is physically incapable of gathering his courage and be strong right now.
Two days after is when he lost another loved one. Minho was someone on another level. On a deeper level and in a way that everyone needs to love and be loved, give and be in the receiving end.
However, he saw it right there, in front of him. Them. Minho and some other guy which definitely, without a doubt, wasn't Jisung.
The guy was taller, he had darker hair, and the way Minho was touching him-
It was the second Minho and Jisung had been in the same room, with only one meter between them.
He's a shitty boyfriend too. He sees it now as Minho found someone else and never even discussed them and their relationship with Jisung.
He ponders what is happening to him and his life. Since his mom passed, other people have been leaving from his story as well. He wonders who is next and if the missing ones will ever come back. He doubts it.
It's different to miss his mom though. The woman was a traditional lady but with kind and cozy vibes. Since he last saw her there has been this certain lullaby playing in his head, like a broken revord, over and over again. It's the same lullaby his mom used to sing him even after he became an adult. Now hearing it is different though.
It's paining to listen to it and not being able to turn it off. It hurts, knowing he will never hear it being sung by his mom ever again.
He is starting to forget what his mom's voice sounded like.
It's different. He doesn't miss his old friend or his ex in the same way he misses his mom. He still sees Felix in school, forcing himself to look away ashamed and awkwardly. He still spots Minho with his new other half in the cafe Jisung and Minho used to go together. Now Jisung can't go there anymore.
If he was granted one wish and it could be anything, he would like to meet his mom again. He is starting to realise that the hole in him, the void in him that is eating his emotions and feelings like a black hole, is his mom. He's lacking a safe space, a haven to which he could go and take a breath before continuing. He's lacking so much.
It hurts and it's so much different. Will it ever be the same? As it used to be?
