***
Tears are sliding down Minho's hollow cheeks. They're silent, always. He doesn't know how to cry in a way that isn't silent, silently painful.
Jisung always cries loudly, in a child like way. It's cute.
Minho's hands are shaking. His whole body is shaking as he holds a piece of paper in his hands. The black ink has smudged up in some places where the tears have fallen down on it.
He doesn't care. He already read it through. He read it all.
He had gotten the news already and he was aware of the fact that his boyfriend was- gone. Ringing of a doorbell had been what woke him up. It was a friend of his.
Minho has been shaky and silent since then.
When he was left alone again, the tears were already making their escape.
He has found the letter, neatly folded, on the kitchen table. Beginning to fear for the worst, his fears came true soon as he read the certain paper through.
He sinks down onto the kitchen chair and looks at the black on white, as if it all would magically disappear or tell him this is a joke. That this isn't real.
He knew Jisung has a history with some sort of mental health issues. He was aware of his anxiety, insecurities, depression- all that. However, he could have never guessed it was this bad. That Jisung had come to this point. That Jisung didn't see any other options or ways out than to-
Off himself.
It sounds mockingly stupid and unbelievably surreal.
They have both dealt with all sort of issues and hardships. Minho has had his own battles; he knows what it can be like.
Minho's always been a logic, rational and a straightforward guy. Emotions, fears and all the things inside him don't usually take the control over his brain or body. He usually handles them well, silently, without making a big deal out of them.
One: he isn't familiar with them. He has tried, went to therapy, chatted with different people. It just so crazily difficult to grasp a concept of emotions. He's aware how people may view him when they don't know him; he isn't a cold hearted freak though.
Although he at times feels like a stone- cold, insensitive and lacking emotional skills. He isn't like that. He often hides under his hard shell to avoid the pain and everything negative. Plus, revealing his true, personal self sometimes makes him feel bare, naked.
He wants to feel safe. With Jisung, he always feels safe, at home.
Two: Jisung has always been an open book, the beating heart of their relationship. His feelings and thoughts are so easily readable on his face, in his tone, in everything he does. Jisung always gets Minho and Minho doesn't have to explain himself with words.
They're different like that but work incredibly, unbelievably well in sync.
Not well enough though.
Minho doesn't hate Jisung for this. So what is Jisung implying in this letter? Minho is confused, yes. He is mad, yes. He is going nuts, yes. But hatred? He could never hate Jisung, because who could?
His mind is a mess now, but he doesn't put the blame on anyone else but himself.
The words the letter holds are a blurry mess by now, not making any sense or having any meaning. Minho understands though. He never needs words to understand Jisung and vice versa.
He understands, not utterly but somehow.
He takes a deep breath, feeling the painful calmness of acceptance and understanding. It hurts nonetheless. He's able to feel his heart shattering.
He's a realist though.
At the same time he craves more answers and Jisung here with him, to explain everything himself and not these stupid words on the paper. He craves Jisung. All the time.
He's a realist and he knows he has to- he must let go. Put the paper down and go on with his day. Maybe call in sick? But definitely take his meds and feed the cats still.
What is done permanently, can't be undone. What is given, can't be returned. Not in this case. That's how death works.
What is Minho exactly going to do? Now or in the future? He has no fucking idea. Jisung always has such genius ideas, he wishes he was here.
What is Minho exactly going to do without Jisung? Jisung wasn't just a boyfriend. He was a soulmate, his other half, a beating heart, a functioning brain. Minho's world, his universe.
What is Minho exactly without Han Jisung?
Nothing. Only smokey air. His heart's on fire.
Jisung is gone.
Jisung is gone.
Jisung is...
...dead.
Is he okay? Is he in pain? Where is he exactly? In what kind of a form?
Minho hopes it didn't hurt. That Jisung didn't hurt himself further. Does dying hurt? Jisung was already in pain, carrying around scars but he was such a strong soldier, crumbling down at times, however, always getting back up.
Minho hopes the pain has ended now. Jisung doesn't deserve such pain. Jisung deserves only good things, positive things. Jisung deserves to smile.
Jisung deserves a second chance, another option that isn't leaving Minho behind.
Minho knows though. He understands. And maybe Minho isn't left behind or Jisung moved forward. Maybe they're just in different places, unable to meet ever again.
Only in desperate dreams.
As much as Minho craves to believe that the pain ends, tell himself to hold on, that isn't always the case. Sometimes the pain is with you till the last beat of your heart. It may never leave.
Jisung was exhausted of it. Minho sees that now.
He understands.
There's nothing he could do to get Jisung back, in here, in his arms, alive and well. He is gone forever.
