"𝐷𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝑔𝑜 𝑝𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑒,
𝑜𝑟 𝑒𝑙𝑠𝑒 𝐼'𝑚 𝑔𝑜𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑟"
❛ 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒍𝒊𝒙
❛ 𝒕𝒘𝒔: 𝑭𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒙 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒉𝒊𝒕, 𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒖𝒎𝒂𝒔
❛ 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒔: 1087
***
"Changbinnie..."
Changbin hears a low, quiet voice speaking behind him. He turns around instantly, his heart squeezing with worry. The voice sounded like it could break at any given moment.
A few meters away from him stands a small, shaking boy. His head is hanging low, tear tracks on his cheeks.
Changbin has seen Felix in such a state before, however, it never feels any less worse and heart breaking. He knows what kind of a head space the younger boy can get himself in without himself even noticing it. It's scary for both himself and his boyfriend, Changbin. They've been together for quite some time and Changbin has had many chances on the way to learn things. How to help Felix when he gets like this, how to make it better.
How to make the younger boy forget his past, even if it's just for a few hours. Managing to lock the demons away for a while.
He stands up quickly but Felix is right in front of him in a blink of an eye. He doesn't look at Changbin, eyes remaining on the floor.
Suddenly, out of the blue, he kneels before Changbin, on the floor. He puts his small hands behind his back and Changbin's brow furrows. He gets caught of guard, frightening even at the next words coming from Felix's mouth.
"Please... Hit me" the younger mumbles, eyes closed.
Changbin blinks in confusion. It turns into concern very soon though.
He knows Felix has a history with bad people, evil people. He has a story whose chapters are filled with violence, injustice, wrongdoings- things Changbin can't even imagine, doesn't want to imagine. He gets chills everytime Felix opens up to him some more about his story.
The younger grew up in an abusive household where Felix and his little sister were strictly banned from simply being human. That's the picture Changbin has created in his brain which he doesn't like in the slightest. There was no emotions allowed, no chance for their own opinions, independence or to even smile.
The image plaguing in Changbin’s brain visits him in his nightmares sometimes. If it's torture for him, what is it like for Felix?
Plus, Felix's past relationships have never been promising, secure or wholesome in any way.
Felix has been lied to, straight to his face outrageously and shamelessly. He has been betrayed, let down, harmed and everything by people he loved and trusted. He has been taught promises are meant to be broken and are eventually going to be broken.
He has been done wrong, failed, by nearly all the people in his life.
Until Changbin came along, and boy is he glad he did.
Changbin has had a mission to prove Felix wrong. To prove him that love can be true, real and feel good. Changbin has taught Felix in return; How much good life has to grant and how he deserves all those good things that come to him.
Changbin has some dark parts in his history as well but his demons are his own voice in the back of his head. He has struggled, however, now he wants to show others how life is worth living.
Showing that to Felix isn't always simple. So, Changbin continues to love him unconditionally, tell him over and over again until the other believes him.
They have been making process slowly but surely.
And now this. Changbin is unsure how to react but he should do something, that's for sure.
He kneels down as well, trying search for the other's face for signs. What might be going on inside his pretty little head?
He lifts his hand but hesitates. He doesn't know if touch is okay. It could either help the poor boy relax and offer him some comfort, or it could be contrary. Changbin doesn't want the poor boy to start spiralling even further, to start hyperventilating or worse.
"Hey... Lixie... Can you hear me?" he tries in a whisper, hoping the other hears and understands him.
Felix doesn't move, Changbin is determined to try and help.
"Lixie... baby... It's okay, you're okay" he speaks. They're sweet nothings but he doesn't know what else to say. He hopes they're doing something. "Breathe in and breathe out, it's going be alright, I'm proud of you, you're doing well" he continues, meanwhile having a close eye on the boy in front of him.
He has an urge to brush the fallen strands of golden hair behind his ears that cover his closed eyes now. He has an urge to touch him, to caress him, to love him.
"Lix... Can I touch you?"
That seems to do something. Felix's eyes flutter open, they're red rimmed and glistening. He lifts his head to look at Changbin. He's still but shaking so much it frightens Changbin.
Changbin just wants to hold him. Then:
"Please" Felix begs, in a whisper, desperately. "I need pain, please... do whatever you want, hyung, I can take it, just... just please" he cries softly.
Changbin’s taken aback. His heart squeezes agonizingly again.
"I'm not going to hit you, baby... I'm not doing something like that to you" he says, voice gentle but serious.
Felix sobs even harder. He buries his face in his hands and looks defeated, lost.
"Baby, can I hug you? Hold you?" Changbin asks instead.
Felix, hopeless ruins of a bright boy, nods, already leaning forward. Changbin takes him in his arms, holds him there.
He never, ever, wants to let him go again. If he could be a better savior, he would take him away from his past, from the memories and from the pain that comes with them. However, Changbin is just a human being himself.
Although, sometimes simple empathizing doesn't feel like enough. He has to do more, try harder.
If there is one concrete thing he can do at the moment, it is to hug Felix tighter and provide a sense of safety. He does just that.
Felix's painful, forceful sounding sobs die down and turn into small sniffles. The boy is limb but feels light in Changbin’s arms and eventually he falls into unconsciousness.
Changbin doesn't let go of him, even after putting him to bed and tucking him in. He stays with him, it's late anyway and it doesn't hurt to try to sleep early, beat the daily exhaustion.
He hopes this is enough for now.
