"𝐼 𝑑𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑛 𝑛𝑒𝑒𝑑 𝑚𝑦𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓,
𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝐼 𝑛𝑒𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑠 𝑦𝑜𝑢"
❛ 𝑯𝒚𝒖𝒏𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏
❛ 𝒕𝒘𝒔: 𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒅 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉
❛ 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒔: 974
***
"This number is not avai-," ugh, not again.
He's sure it's the correct one anyway. He doesn't just think so; he knows so. He wouldn't forget.
He has all his friends' nunbers learned by heart and stored well in his memory.
And well... Hyunjin's number as well.
Although Hyunjin was never really a friend. He was something else. Someone else.
He was special.
He was different.
He loved Hyunjin so much. And, he still does. Something deep inside of him yearns.
And after god knows how long, something unexplainable has been drawing him to the old memories. Memories of Chan and Hyunjin. Many, many years old memories that Chan thought he had buried already. They've swum back to the surface.
Now they're calling him back. And he's unable to let go.
He catches himself daydreaming daily, unable to fall asleep. And after he manages to fall into light sleep, he meets Hyunjin in his dreams and subconscious. And now he has no choice but trying to reach for the younger again. In real life.
It's more difficult and complicated than he expected though.
After calling the familiar number several times but only hearing it going to the voicemail, he gives up.
He calls Felix.
At least Felix has been in contact with Hyunjin; at least Chan hopes so.
It's not like Chan abandoned his friends back then. A lot happened. He got lost from the track and trying to find a way back on it cost him his family, friends, Hyunjin. Everything, really.
Sanity, heart, future.
He doesn't have any excuses. He doesn't have any reasons. He just wishes things could go back as they were. And if that's not possible, the bare minimum he can do is to call those people now.
He hasn't seen any of them in a long time. Especially Hyunjin.
Maybe he's being overly optimistic and unrealistically excited right now. He's determined though.
He needs this.
His sky already fell a few years ago, crumbled down like a sand castle. He's been living in the dust of it for years now.
He isn't even bothering to try and build it back up again. It wouldn't be the same.
Nothing is as it used to be.
Felix picks up after too long. Chan breathes out, relieved but surprised either way.
"Lee Felix," a voice says. It's a familiar voice. Chan missed it.
"Felix... It's me," Chan breathes.
There's silence on the other end.
"Uh, I'm sorry, who is this?" Felix asks and Chan gets taken aback.
"Um, it's me, Chan," he says, trying to keep his voice steady.
Felix doesn't... remember him?
Oh.
"Oh! Right. Chan, sorry, it's just... It's been so long, I didn't expect you to-"
"Nah, it's okay, Lix," he cringes a bit. It doesn't feel as natural using those nicknames as it did back then. He hopes the other doesn't mind.
"Yeah, okay..." Felix goes on. It's awkward. Strange. Well, they kind of are strangers.
But with the same history.
They used to be best friends.
"Why did you call?" Felix asks then.
"Well, no reason really, I thought that maybe I should check up on you?"
There's a sigh on the other end.
"Chan..." Felix starts. Chan is starting to fear for the worst although he isn't sure what that even is.
"I know why you called... It's about Hyunjin, right?"
Chan swallows. This is it. His throat feels tight and everything feels uncomfortable.
He's uneasy, nervous.
"Uh, yeah. Yes, you're right, haha," oh god, he's so awkward. They used to be so carefree, so friendly. "I just... I tried to call him but-"
"Hyung..." Chan gets cut off. He hears his pulse in his ears. "I... It's really nice to hear from you after... like six years or so, but..." Felix says but pauses for a moment.
"You shouldn't do this," he finishes. He sounds serious, not at all like Chan remembered.
He doesn't understand.
"But... But why? I thought-"
"I think it's just for the better."
"I don't understand-"
"Just stop, okay?!" Felix snaps at him. Chan's mouth closes. He can feel tears forming in his eyes, threatening to escape.
He doesn't want to crumble down now.
"Sorry, hyung," Felix says, voice a tad more lighter now.
Chan shakes his head. "It's okay, Felix." He continues. "You're probably right... I shouldn't have called... I should just-"
"Hyunjin's dead."
What?
The silence spreads and goes deeper and deeper.
A bird crashes straight to a window and the daffodils on the kitchen table wither.
And somehow the whole earth stops spinning.
"W-what? H-how?" Chan tries to stutter something out. There's a riot going on in his head, too much is happening.
It's like he has forgotten the language that was a second ago his mother tounge.
"Yeah... I'm sorry," Felix sighs again. "Channie, it was nice to talk but..."
"I really need to go now, I'm sorry it went this way."
Before Chan can say another word the line has been cut. He curses and throws the phone to the table in front of him.
Hyunjin.
Hyunjin.
Hyunjin.
Hyunjin is... dead? How is that possible? How- What-
He feels something wet sliding down his cheeks. He leans his hands on the edge of the table and closes his eyes.
Something inside of him cracks. He hears it, like a porcelain mug falling to the tiled ground. He feels it too.
Physically.
It's such a devastating thought. A destructive feeling.
His first love, his only love ever. Hyunjin's gone.
Felix wouldn't lie. Felix knows what's for the best.
He should take a deep breath and stop breaking down like this. Like an unstable lunatic.
He now realizes how sorry he is.
A sorry won't fix anything tho.
