As you have gotten this letter in your hands and are now reading this, you most likely already know what this is about.
You don't have to read this through. You're allowed to shred and wrinkle this paper into a ball and throw it to trash. You're allowed to burn these messy lines of ink. You're allowed to do whatever feels the most right.
I can't ask you to read this, no matter how much I'd like to beg and plead you. I wish, from the bottom of my heart, that you'd be able to understand though. You don't have to though if you don't want to.
I understand.
I understand how you must be feeling right now or what you must be thinking about. What you must be going through right now, I understand it. Not completely, but somehow.
Please, don't view me as a cold hearted or selfish. I could still empathize and feel so much for you – with every single of those emotions being positive and positive only.
You're allowed to hate me. You're allowed to erase me, replace me and forget me. You're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling. You're allowed to wish you never knew me and you don't have to forgive me. Ever. I can't ask you to do that.
I can't ask you for anything. Not when you're already given and granted so much for me.
I could never thank you enough for everything. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you.
It's not my place to except you to stay, move on or do anything. You still have a possibility to do whatever you want to. Feel free to chase your dreams and live life to the fullest.
I don't have that possibility anymore.
I did care. I cared so much it broke me. But it was worthy. For you, everything is always worthy, even though I lost myself. I couldn't see myself anymore, recognize myself anymore, feel myself anymore. The light, the will, the dreams- they all ran down the drain.
In the end, I realized, I wasn't living for myself anymore. Only for others, for you.
I don't regret it.
I loved you. So much you don't even know. One thing I do regret is not showing you, letting you know, making sure of it.
N̶o̶w̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ I̶'m̶ d̶e̶a̶d̶ I'm most likely gone as you're reading this. I wish you could keep on living though. I couldn't but I wish you could.
This is me apologising. For everything. This might sound pathetic and utterly stupid. You don't have to understand or grasp a thing of this. You don't have to recall these scrawled words ever again. This is me apologising though, from my heart.
You don't even have to recall me or us ever again. It might hurt and I don't want you hurting. Or it might not feel like anything specifically. Those memories might be just a blank paper.
You're allowed to do whatever you want with them; treasure them, abandon them, whatever.
I was dead inside for a long time. I apologise for not opening my mouth sooner. It's too late now. But I was utterly drained, unable to feel anything anymore.
Please know I did plan this carefully, thinking through every step. This was what I wanted the most, from the bottom my heart.
I was so exhausted.
Please know that I loved you through everything, till the very last heart beat of mine. In the end, you were the only one who mattered. I apologize for not trying enough. For you. Seeing, trying doesn't always lead to succeeding and failing felt too disappointing and exhausting.
It sounds egoistic, heartless- like I gave up. I did give up. You're allowed to view me as a loser but I wasn't heartless. You're allowed to feel bitter, hatred, anger- whatever. You're allowed to cry. I know it isn't easy nor simple for you.
I wish I didn't break your heart too bad. You don't deserve it. You deserve to love and to be loved, unconditionally, naturally and truly. I apologise for being unable to do that.
You deserve everything good that comes to you. I apologise for not being good enough.
I apologize.
Your beloved, Jisung
P.S. Please, remember to take your meds daily and feed the cats. I wish you were able to wake up and get out of bed every morning even without me. I couldn't do that.
Please, don't give up in work or cut contacts with your colleagues, friends and relatives. I know how important they are to you. I know I wasn't as significant.
Please, smile. Your natural, glowing smile is one of the prettiest features of you. It's a healing sight.
You know I don't believe in heaven or anything supernatural like that so don't except me to be waiting on "the other side". Don't think I left you behind in any way.
