"𝐼 𝑤𝑎𝑡𝑐ℎ𝑒𝑑 𝑦𝑜𝑢,
𝑎𝑠 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑤𝑎𝑡𝑐ℎ𝑒𝑑 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑏𝑜𝑑𝑦 𝑒𝑙𝑠𝑒,
𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑟𝑒𝑝𝑙𝑎𝑐𝑒𝑑 𝑚𝑦 𝑝𝑢𝑧𝑧𝑙𝑒 𝑝𝑖𝑒𝑐𝑒,
𝑖𝑡 𝑑𝑖𝑑𝑛'𝑡 𝑓𝑖𝑡 𝑤𝑒𝑙𝑙"
❛ 𝑯𝒚𝒖𝒏𝒍𝒊𝒙
❛ 𝒕𝒘𝒔: 𝒓𝒆𝒇𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒅 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉, 𝒈𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒇
❛ 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒔: 583
***
I get down on one knee before Felix, facing him. I fish the little black, silk box from my back pocket and open it.
He gasps. He looks at me with crystal tears in his wide eyes, shining until they're flowing down his cheeks. My hands itch to wipe them away. I hope they're out of happiness and not out of disappointment, embarrassment- anything negative.
In that case I might cry.
He pauses, frozen in place, out of shock. I can't help the dumb smile from forming on my lips. I hope I'm not reading his reaction wrong. That'd be awkward and there's nothing more awkward than misunderstandings.
This is something huge, something serious. There's no hesitation or uncertainty in me. I've been thinking, planning, preparing for this exact moment for years. All my fears have been left behind.
I'm glad we understand each other though, better than anyone.
I ask him those words that sound surreal but genuine. I skip all the long ramblings and prattlings.
It took hours, days to come up with right words phased right- but right now, right here, they all sound unnecessary to me in my mind. So, I decide to get straight to the point. Honestly, boldly, without a fear of stuttering and messing up even if it were unintentional.
Suddenly, everything around me starts to fade, like disappearing into the thin air. It panic a little and try to look at his face. Soon enough it fades away as well, his whole body, his whole being following.
There's no shiny silver hair, freckles that resemble star dust or a pretty smile in front of me anymore.
I stand up and the box with the silver ring falls from my sweaty hand to the ground. I look around for him but it's all just white light, like I'd be surrounded by a thick cloud.
He's no longer there, there's no trace of him. Even the natural scent of him that he carried with him everywhere is gone. As if it was never even here.
I feel wetness on my cheeks and the squeezing pain in my chest.
I've lost him, once again. And it happens over and over again. Still, it always feels the same, ends the same.
I never even get to know what his reaction truly was. Did he accept me? Did he reject me? Those memories are blurred. This dream never takes me that far. I shoot awake before that.
This dream isn't real. The confusion, the heart break the grief- are all real though. I hate it. I hate to feel so real when I know he's not.
Pitifully, cowardly, I'm afraid of the death. It took him from me and it was painful. I hate pain. I hate that it happened. I hate myself for letting it happen.
I hate myself even more knowing I miss him, long for him, cry for him even still. However, I couldn't end my own life for him. It hurts to live and only meet him in my dreams but imagining death, imagining dying, freaks me out.
The death is so powerful and in front of it, I'm just a child.
I look forward to meeting Felix over and over again, in the same pain filled, desperate and tragic dream.
It doesn't differ much from the real world after all.
